Nervous about working away

[Coldfeets]

First time 40 something adopters. We have been matched and a LO toddler probably move in January/ early Feb. We plan 3 months both of us at home together then I will work part time with my DH being stay at home dad. Worry is -I have to work away sometimes and 6 months after LO arrives I need to be away from home for 7 weeks , coming home for 4 weekends during the time. anyone got any experience of this and could share their perspective? partly I have extra issues as I feel like a man going away to work and leaving his adoptive child at home with wife isn’t that big a deal compared to me leaving my DH. to stress he is a wonderful man with more childcare experience than me and he will have support locally. So although of course I will worry about him being overtired or stressed, it is more the fear of the affect on the child I am worried about. My husband is in a poorly paid profession so up to me to make the money in the partnership. Thanks for reading.

@Coldfeets Firstly congratulations on your match.

I assume your working away was discussed in your assessment, SWs and panel are aware of it and have approved you on that basis.
It's probably not ideal so early in placement but life rarely is.
You have a good chunk of time with them before you go, their primary carer will still be there. You can do facetime calls.

I agree that if you were the stay at home parent and male partner was working away no one would bat an eyelid.

Good luck !

thanks Ted. Yes it has come up in assessment and as you say, not perfect. thanks for the input.
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This happened to us. In his previous job my OH would work away on an ad hoc basis. Things that helped included regular video calls and video messages. He would bring her back something to show he was thinking of her. We got a photo cushion made of the two of them together which she would often hug, kiss and cry on. Sometimes I would let her fall asleep in my bed. Finally he slept under a bedspread on top of the duvet I slept under because we both sleep best at different temperatures, when he was away she'd sleep under it and with one of his pillows.

ifchocolatewerecelery-sorry I missed seeing your reply - thanks so much for the great suggestions. will try them out

Hi @Coldfeets congratulations on your match.

I work away leaving my son with his dad. Mine is a couple of nights every few weeks but not a set pattern.

Additonal to all said above, before going I talk about going away and what I will be doing for work.

We stick to routines as if I was there, I always do a morning and evening video call so he can see where I am and block our my diary to do so. The first few times I brought gifts back but he now has everything he would like. So have turned to making videos of me getting trains, trams and buses so he can see how they differ to our local transportation and send them to Dad for them to talk about during my absence. We then watch them on a loop the days after I am back.

I constantly tell him how much I love him, missed him when away and am glad to be back with him. It is getting easier each time and as he grows his understanding is also improving.

We did notice his behaviour at nursery dipped the 2nd day I was away so started telling staff and they would talk about where Mommy has gone and how I get there plus do extra nurturing throughout the days.
Not been such a problem at school, he started reception in September, so only a 3-4 month gap since transitioning plus he has had a birthday too.

Good luck, it will be hard and easy. I think of it as a positive benefit for us all when I start mithering.

Just thought of some more. We got photos of my work place , door, recetion, desk etc and showed him those in the run up as if we were in Intros again.

Due to his interest in trains and buses we showed him how I would get to work anchoring it to how we got around locally. "Mommy will take the no. X that goes past nursery and the park you love to xx Station. Then she will...etc".

The days after I am back I try not to have much work on as he only wants me and he is my shadow. So think about how the weekends you come back will work both in terms of attention on you and possibly reduced for your husband.

We also have leftover food days so that we can both support him. The days I am away, Dad who is a FT teacher is under strict orders not to cook or do washing, we will sort that another time. Conserve energy is what we go for as 40+ first time parents.

Deegeedee
tha nk you so much. This is so useful to read and you’ve really made me think about how to tailor support to the child’s interests. We are over 40 too so appreciate that angle too! Many thanks to you and ifchoc and Ted all 🙏🙏

Happy to help!

Merry Christmas all who read this board.