Refused Stage 1

[FeelingRejected333]

After 5 years for unexplained infertility we were finally ready to say yes to adoption.

We had our home visit that went really well and the lady said she could see no issues on us progressing.

Had a phone call today with the agency, who have said because my OH is under the dietician (type1) and thinking about a gastric surgery we can’t move in to stage 1.

He’s with the dietician for another 6 months before it goes to panel and for a decision as to whether he can have it. Then a 2 year waiting list. Although he is over weight he’s still active, can do long walks, walks the dog, plays with our younger nephew. He just struggles to lose weight being diabetic.

They have said that they would prefer for him to have the surgery and recover before going through with it, that could be 3 years away.

Anything can happen to anyone at any time, someone could adopt then need unplanned surgery, at least this (if even approved) is planned in and can be facilitated, family live 15 minutes away.

I don’t see why this has to be a bad thing.

Please be kind I’m obviously gutted and haven’t stopped crying since being told.

That seems a really harsh decision. Can this be appealed?

@StrongTea tbh anything after her saying she thinks we should wait was a bit of a blur.
she said to take a few days to think about things and get back to her with any questions.

she was strongly advising we don’t go ahead now because we wouldn’t pass medical or panel.

Hope you can get some advice from others, not surprised the conversation was a blur. Write down questions to discuss when you phone back.

Did you look at more than one agency to start with? I'd have a chat with other agencies, who might be more open to you starting sooner. It might still be a no but there is no harm in asking. Being overweight will always be flagged because of long term health implications as well as the impact on a persons ability to parent, however if you can show a serious plan and demonstrate any changes that you are making with the help of the dietician (even if the progress is slow) that is a positive. Any condition must be shown to be managed appropriately. Although the process is supposed to be six months to panel it can take longer and I completely understand why you don't want to wait.

@StrongTea my OH is going to ring today and explain the process to her, if he gets approved it will be around 3 years away, but can be pushed back/rearranged if we need more time for the child to settle. Plus it can be managed because we know a time in advance rather than something unexpected.

@Kindee there are a few in the area we looked at but never spoke to. So I’ll see what happens today and if it’s still a no I’ll give them a call.
I totally understand the weight issue, but as you say I thought if we could show we were taking it seriously and changing habits then it wouldn’t be an issue.

I think you should wait. Adoption is very hard. The child deserves parents who are in the best possible place to help them. Not ones whose needs are set to take precedence at some future point.
You're focused on what you want.

@FeelingRejected333

Im sorry to hear about your difficulties, and I understand the disappointment you must be feeling.
Its probably no consolation to you buy its not an outright no, its a not at this point in your lives.
Every adopter goes on a journey, mine was not straighforward, many of us have to wait a while before we get going. I had to wait two years or so because as a single adopter, my finances weren’t quite in the right place and I definitelt needed a job that didnt entail working away overnight.
Adoption is really a service for children, not for adults. Social workers have to balance a great deal, and look at the overall risk to placements.
Weight is always a tricky area, Ive always been overweight and my agency insisted on some additional tests for weight related conditions before they approved me.
But if your husband is under a dietician and surgery is being considered then to be honest it does sound like there are more serious issues.
Yes you are right, anyone could have an illness at any time, but SWs are looking at the balance of probabilities, thats why there are medicals in the first place.
Your OH has identified issues now, not potential ones, so the agency has exercised its judgement.
Agencies do take different approaches so its always worth speaking to a couple.

Anything can happen to anyone at any time, someone could adopt then need unplanned surgery, at least this (if even approved) is planned in and can be facilitated, family live 15 minutes away.

I’m sorry you’ve been disappointed, it’s hard to hear you can’t go ahead right now.

While anything can happen to anyone, going into the process knowing there’s a significant chance of surgery isn’t ideal, particularly something as emotionally complex as weight loss surgery. It’s not unusual for the patient to have complex feelings around losing weight post surgery, the speed of the loss, changes in eating patterns and their sense of self. That’s a lot to cope with when you have a small child to care for.

The adoption process can be quite lengthy, it’s not unreasonable to think you could be relatively early in placement while your DH is going through the preparation for this surgery and then having the surgery itself. While you can make plans, you don’t know yet how any child might cope with family members caring, they may have particular needs that mean they need you close/need a lot of your time and attention. It can be hard to anticipate how much your life changes with a child, how little wiggle room you might have.

Exploring weight loss surgery suggests a significant amount to lose, with associated health risks - no judgement here, I’ve always been overweight - but if they anticipate your DH won’t pass the medical they wont take you through assessment just now. Different agencies have different thresholds though so worth checking others out but in any event it’s a serious consideration to have planned surgery while also planning adoption.

I’ve had time to calm down and digest everything now.

I can understand where the agency is coming from. They did say that if he wasnt doing that route then we would be fine to continue.

My OH probably has about 5 stone to lose, I know everyone is probably picturing some morbidly obese person, who struggles with daily life etc but that’s really not the case at all. He doesn’t have any issues with cholesterol or blood pressure, it was his choice to go to a dietician.
He’s decided against the surgery but continue with the dietician, change his eating habits and join the gym instead.

We are also looking in to other agencies.

In my experience if you can show consistent lifestyle changes and a steady weight loss many agencies will be happy to approve you. I had to lose weight during the assessment process - they weren’t looking for a perfect BMI so much as healthy lifestyle choices, I was still about 3 stone over when my kids were placed (and still am 🙄).

I can see that weight loss surgery would be appealing but he could loose a couple of stone in 6 months and be in a place to continue without waiting 2 years for surgery. Gradual weight loss teaches new habits and gives him time to psychologically adjust to his new body weight too.

Good luck going forward, it’s a rollercoaster but so very worth it.