Friends adopting - how can I help?

[boozebarge]

Hello! My beautiful friends are in the adoption process and have already been matched with a potential child. I haven't had time to book on to the family and friends training their adoption service uses, and while I am a mother to a toddler I obviously have no experience of what adoptive parents go through. The little one will go to them at 3 months if the match is found to be suitable, and I’m trying to think what I can do practically to help out.

Does anyone here have any suggestions as to what they’d have appreciated at the time they took in their child?

I’ve been thinking of offering them to use my slings, I’ve already offered them the baby stuff we have knocking around, I can do freezer meals or meals on wheels. I don’t want to encroach too much but I also think they might not reach out even if they need sth so I’d like to have some sensible things I can offer.

@InTheFourthAtMalloryTowers , thank you so much for sharing this very important family memory.

As someone who is currently a few weeks into placement with my LO, I’d like to echo the above posts about how unique and unusual the position of new adoptive parents is. It is lovely how some people who have not adopted, like OP, seek to understand from this board rather than chose to die on the hill of ‘proving’ other people wrong about their own experiences 😉
I would just like to echo the other posters who have mentioned feeling low and like they should not complain, because they need to project this idea of being overjoyed by everything. I am petrified that, if I tell them of my current struggles (no sleep, tantrums, the occasional smack from LO) my family/friends will secretly think that I have made some kind of terrible mistake and judge LO for it- he is a dear little person, and I couldn’t bear for him to be judged based on this most confusing and stressful moment of his life.
All of the above is to say, try to be non-judgemental and focus on how your friend can feel negative about their current experiences whilst also NOT regretting them in the slightest!

@Goodgrief82 You claimed that there were no differences for the friends of adoptive parents. So I have outlined all the things I have done as a friend for people who had children by birth. I could not have done any of the things I listed for an adoptive parent. There are differences, like it or not.

Thank you so much everyone, some really insightful posts here that I appreciate ever so much.
I’m going to be especially mindful of the points about not wanting to share if finding it hard and especially the "we should know what to do" thing.

When it comes to a rough time if baby doesn't sleep in the early, funnelling days, and is crying a lot, how can I best help? Can I go into their house (eg. To do laundry/dishes, obviously not to see baby) or is that not permitted? I don’t quite know what the boundaries are!

I will definitely offer meals on wheels as that was sth I found really useful when I was just postpartum - but my parents used to bring food round and then look after my baby while DH and I ate, and that is one thing I won’t be able to do for them.

If any friend had offered to come and do the washing up in the early days (though older children) I would have cried on their necks with gratitude!

I would offer, making it clear you are happy to come and do chores and it's not a 'baby' visit, and that you won't be offended if they would rather you didn't. Then your friends can decide whether or not it would be helpful to them.

It's not so much specific things are permitted/not permitted, but the underlying principle of the baby/child forming a connection with the new parents.

@boozebarge you sound amazing! We are a couple of months in and it was astonishing how much more washing up we've ended up with - if your friend is comfortable with that I'm sure that'd be a big help. You seem very clear on the boundaries, so if you explain that. Presumably the little one could be in a different room with one or both parents (if your friend is part of a couple).

If your friend says no you are welcome to come round here and do some washing up.

Thank you again for the replies! @ScottishBeth I hate doing dishes so it takes a lot to get me to offer 😆😆

I’m really glad I posted here as I have a sense of personal boundaries, from the perspective of a new parent whether by birth or adoption, but I wasn’t sure whether adoption agency guidance (especially around the early bonding period) might be particularly stringent.

Gosh I’m really praying that my friends are the right parents for this little one. They will be amazing parents and I can’t wait to find out whether they’re going to go ahead!

@boozebarge what a lovely friend you are !

What I will say is PLEASE PLEASE be there for your friend.

My group of friends of 25 years plus all let me down and disappeared.

When I asked them for help (to message, ring, videocall) when I was going through weeks, months and then over a year of hell... excuses were made every single time. I couldn't go anywhere/do anything due to my child having far far more complex needs than I had expected.

My work friends on the other hand would regularly message me and offer much needed emotional support. It was EIGHTEEN months before I was able to meet any friends and they are still around.

Your friend's life will change enormously and very differently to that of a birth parent.

You really do sound like an amazing friend. I wish you had been my friend when my AS came home aged 4.

Update: baby is coming home with them this week 😍😍

I hope I haven’t already put my foot in it by congratulating them…I know they must be so anxious and emotional and maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do. Anyway I have a gift for them so I’ve offered to go over when they feel ready and will take a pile of ready to cook meals with me when I do.

I’m so excited though!

How exciting! I am sure that a message of congratulations isn't overstepping the mark - one of the difficulties in adopting is that people don't do the things they would for a birth child, such as congratulations.

You seem a lovely friend, and I am sure will feel your way forward with balancing giving space and offering support :)

I was thinking that when I said it - that they might not hear "congratulations on your baby" all that often, but then I got anxious that because they’re technically fostering atm I had hit the wrong note 🙈😆

Thank you for the reassurance xx

Legally it is more like fostering but it doesn't feel like that (assuming they're not doing foster to adopt, which I don't know about).

We've have our daughter for over 2 months and haven't yet applied for the adoption order, so legally aren't yet her parents. But it is very odd when someone official refers to her as a looked after child or something. Offering congratulations was perfect! It's very exciting for them. And a gift for the baby along with some homecooked meals sounds perfect!

I would send flowers a day or so after arrival (in water bubble) also

Quick update: friends have been managing so well and seeing them with their new baby is honestly magical! It's like they’ve opened up in a brand new way. They’ve had lots of support from family so we haven’t actually been all that much help to them, but it has been lovely to meet baby and to share in their joy.

Thanks for all the advice. Happy times 😊😊