Friends adopting - how can I help?

[boozebarge]

Hello! My beautiful friends are in the adoption process and have already been matched with a potential child. I haven't had time to book on to the family and friends training their adoption service uses, and while I am a mother to a toddler I obviously have no experience of what adoptive parents go through. The little one will go to them at 3 months if the match is found to be suitable, and I’m trying to think what I can do practically to help out.

Does anyone here have any suggestions as to what they’d have appreciated at the time they took in their child?

I’ve been thinking of offering them to use my slings, I’ve already offered them the baby stuff we have knocking around, I can do freezer meals or meals on wheels. I don’t want to encroach too much but I also think they might not reach out even if they need sth so I’d like to have some sensible things I can offer.

Imagine as if they had biologically given birth and what you would have done … and then let that be your guide as to what you do

Oh I’m doing that, but I’m aware that there are pressures and expectations on adoptive parents which there aren’t on those who give birth, IYSWIM. The last thing I want to be is an extra burden!

Honestly, i really would approach this as you would in any scenario with a close friend having a baby.

because really… it is

I really disagree with this, it isn’t the same.
OP your friends will probably spend some time ‘funnelling’ in the first few weeks. This means keeping their child’s world small and not introducing them to new people. It may be some time before you get to meet them so be prepared to go at their pace and don’t invite yourself round. When you do meet the child, try and stay hands off and let the parents do all the caregiving e.g. soothing them if they’re unhappy, feeding (depending on age), cuddles etc. Don’t ask questions about their background - it’s no-one’s business but theirs.

The ideas you have re food, slog and toys all sound lovely. The best things my friends did for me was just be at the end of a phone/text when I had a low day (and they will happen, bringing an adopted child into your home can be very scary and stressful even though you’re also very happy about it).

You sound like a lovely friend!

But that’s exactly what many new parents who have birthed do!

As evidenced by the thousands of threads started by new parents on this very site!

But yes

no questions about background

@Goodgrief82 Are you a parent via adoption?

Auntie

you?

Ah you are.

The best things my friends did for me was just be at the end of a phone/text when I had a low day

exactly applies however you become a parent.

all I am saying is that if the op thinks what she would do with a friend who had birthed, aside from probing about background, how is this different?

The things you have suggested are lovely. Freezer meals most definitely. If they have a dog offer to walk it. Take in their ironing and drop it back. Your friends will be cocooning and getting to know their baby so anything you can do to give them maximum time is wonderful.
I really appreciated people cooking for us.

Err no, it’s quite a lot different, actually. So sorry to be argumentative but I cannot stand these adoption = same as birth babies threads. No, it blinking isn’t. And if you’re an aunt by adoption, then you should be more clued up?

@boozebarge , your friends may or may not be aware if their baby has been exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero, they will probably not be able to determine as yet if their little one has developmental delays. Along with feeling like they don’t know what they’re doing, they will be feeling the stress of the scrutiny by the adoption and the child’s social workers, plus the independent reviewing officer. Also, the baby is very tiny so I’m wondering if it is a foster-to-adoption placement, in which case there could be ongoing direct contact with one or other of the birth parents?

If they’re good friends, then can’t you ask them how they would like you to support them? Maybe it’s a lovely card and gift recognising the arrival (it’s amazing how even the closest family members get tied up in knots about how to acknowledge the arrival of a baby or child not by ‘natural’ conception). Or it could be a delivery of a casserole on the doorstep with no expectation of an invitation inside while your friends are trying to attach/bond with their new arrival with no external interruptions. Anyway, I have my thinking cap on and I will happily report back on how my nearest and dearest could have helped while I welcomed my two - non-consecutive - adoptive children into my home.

All of those things sound great! To be honest, we are in the middle of the first few weeks, and meals on wheels from the inlaws with real vegetables was fab, as was a delivery of stuff we had run out of like bread and milk with a couple of extra puddings thrown in 😉

Also, when relatives popped by early in the morning to fix something without expectation of seeing the child, and also messages even if they weren't answered straight away were really helpful!

Also having loud, bright and open conversations with mutual friends or colleagues about how of course you wouldn't expect to see them for a few weeks, and of course you won't post any photos on social media because any fool who knew anything about adoption knows that, and of course you will be sending them a nice card just like you would with any other new parents... etc really helped to take the emotional burden off us having to be the only ones who had to outline the expectations- if they have any tricky friends or family that you could run interference with, that's sometimes the gift that keeps on giving!

I genuinely appreciated one of my friends sending me adoption/social worker memes when the process was annoying me, but that's just my sense of humour I guess.

Offering to do practical stuff like keeping on top of the garden or collecting parcels that when postman has tickled the knocker with a feather, all that sort of stuff was helpful for us as well.

3 months old is quite young, so I'm assuming they are doing early permanence, but the FC routines might be tricky to adapt to. Offering to being open to accepting texts or stupid videos in the early hours about is this normal for them to xyz was also helpful for us.

We have a very active toddler, and we started rhyme time playgroups with him quite early because he was used to going to nursery, so offering to be a buddy at those slightly later on might help, especially if they are feeling a bit nervous about attending. One of our friends did that and it meant we could chat with her whilst also not being quite as mortified that we knew none of the songs or anything like that.

I've not had a birth child, so I can't say what is normal for that, but I can say adoption is a very strange experience- there is a lot of anxiety about the child, especially because they are still looked after until the paperwork is signed, which adds a lot of complexity For example, our child is exploring our local parks and subsequently getting a fine array of bumps and bruises, but I am hyper aware that we have weekly social worker visits and it feels quite vulnerable to allow him to do that. For your friend they may have heightened anxiety about the child feeding or sleeping right as they will be being monitored quite closely by various social workers and professionals above and beyond the typical ones at least to begin with. I have one friend who is able to hold that space for me and recognise that for me which is incredibly helpful.

We also didn't know what we needed until they arrived- it will be a bit easier with a baby because they are usually relatively similar sizes etc, and you never know what the FC might already have for them but offering to do a last minute dash for colic drops or a specific brand of nappies or the magical antiseptic sudocrem would probably be very helpful.

Aside from that, plenty of cakes and tea is always appreciated.

Congrats to your friends and they are really lucky to have someone like you to support them!

Again, everything you have suggested by way of things the op could do is precisely what a close friend would do if her close friend had birthed a baby. The casserole, the gift and card etc

i am not saying the situation isn’t very different. For the parents. Not for friends. Friends are friends are what they can do in this situation is the same irrespective of how the baby joined the parents

i am not saying the situation isn’t very different. For the parents. Not for friends. Friends are friends are what they can do in this situation is the same irrespective of how the baby joined the parents

It is different in that you’ve noticed had the pregnancy with all that entails to help with bonding with your baby, and to prepare you psychologically for becoming a parent. Which means the early days/weeks can leave you feeling like a fraud. And it’s very difficult to complains about normal parenting stresses because everyone treats you like you’ve won a prize.

All of the practical things suggested are helpful, I’d also hold off on giving advice unless asked, and avoid saying “all babies do X and Y” when your friend expresses concern about their little one - the developmental outcomes for babies in early placement is very uncertain for all the reasons @Torvy said and they are likely to be hyper vigilant.

Also try not to give “enjoy every minute” type advice, the early months are very hard indeed - and different to parents who have birthed their child. I got pissed off at people telling me to enjoy while I was hardly keeping my head above water and couldn’t tell anyone because I should be enjoying every minute. Remember too that they may have a very quick move to parenthood, so little adjustment time, a quick leaving process at work. Life literally changes overnight and new parents can loose themselves very quickly, while dealing with a very scared infant.

Give them space and time, listen without judgement or trying to fix things.

And send flowers - new parents get flowers 💐

To be clear I said adopting is very different for the new parents

but my point is… not for friends in terms of what they can do to support (aside from not asking about background)

@Goodgrief82 I have fed, cuddled, comforted, changed and babysat babies of friends in the first months of their baby's life. On three occasions, I have even lived with friends in their homes for the first few weeks after birth and supported them. None ever suggested to me that I should give instructions to other people on how to behave (eg. send a card, don't ask about the background, respect the need to funnel). None of the babies were grieving, so they were easy to care for. On all occasions, we could share the care. Yes, there is a lot of overlap to caring for birth children, but there are extras. Extras, many people are either unaware of or do not want to acknowledge.

Sorry I found your post very confusing @onlytherain

Perhaps that is because you are not an adoptive parent and clearly don’t understand the issues involved, despite your insistence on telling us that we’re wrong. The experiences of a new adoptive parents are different from those of a parent who has just given birth. Therefore, friends may well need to behave differently than they would around a birth child/birth parents. This has been explained upthread, you’re just unwilling to listen or reflect.

Therefore, friends may well need to behave differently than they would around a birth child/birth parents.

aside from not asking about background

how so differently? Because everything detailed so far is the same

Amen to this!

@boozebarge , it’s a shame that this has turned into a conflict thread as there’s some very helpful advice from adopters here.

I’ve reflected on my experiences, both as an adoptive placement of a baby and a foster-to-adopt placement of a newborn (12 hours old) and I have looked back through my old diaries (I kept a log for my now-teen DD) and, in random order of importance:

• respect that your friends will be advised to ‘funnel’ so please don’t push to meet the new arrival.
• when you are introduced, please don’t push for any cuddles.
• accept that your friends will be very busy with potentially high levels of contact with birth parents. Please do not make any comments about this contact; it’s court ordained. It may seem ridiculous or confusing to you but it’s an essential part of the legal process.
• the elephant in the room will be the ‘what if’ possibility of the infant being returned to birth parent/s. Please don’t raise this discussion unless your friends want to talk about it. Please be aware that occasionally f2a babies are returned to birth parents.
• ask your friends how they would like you to mark the arrival. I’m from a very large close-knit extended family and not a single relative marked my teen DD’s arrival until my mum intervened and told everyone they could and should. I was wounded but it later emerged that while my relatives were excited and happy for me, they were scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.
• don’t expect high levels of contact from your friends; they will be tired and stressed.
• offer to pass on any high-quality equipment/clothes etc. Don’t pass on stained clothing! Don’t be offended if your friends do not take you up on your offer. It’s possible that the baby will come with clothes from birth parents and your friends will be encouraged to dress the infant in these clothes for contact sessions. Your friends may want to dress the baby in clothing they have bought on non-contact days and at weekends.
• NEVER bring up the subject of breast milk vs formula.
• Please don’t make any comments about the baby’s name, other than to remark positively.

You sound like a lovely, caring friend; it’s okay to make mistakes and get things wrong. Your friends will most likely be very anxious; I took umbrage/offence at some ridiculous things in the very beginning but I realise now that I had a bad case of PFAC (precious first adoptive child) as opposed to PFB!

This thread has been so helpful, thank you everyone. I was already on board with a few of the things (not asking about background, not pushing to visit until they’ve had the early bonding phase etc) but I have learned some new stuff and it's really helpful to see the perspective of adoptive parents. I think I can appreciate how the anxiety over a new adoptive child is distinct from that of a newborn - both are nerve wracking but in different ways. I will make sure lines of communication are open - I wouldn’t dream of passing comment about anything to do with the baby, but I’d like to be able to reassure them that anxiety over being good enough parents is universal whether birth or adoptive. I just hope I don’t put my foot in it! And yes, we will hopefully be able to provide meals and I will be there to join them in whatever they want to share. I’m really, really excited for them and I just want it all to go as smoothly as possible!

Maybe I can give a child perspective on how it is different to any posters saying it is the same/similar.

I was adopted and came home at 6 weeks old. For the first few days I did not sleep. My father walked up and down with me as I gasped for air and screamed and cried all night. I was grieving and my parents described me as very stressed and panicked.

Whilst parents who bring home their babies from hospital will also face sleepless nights their child will generally not be grieving and traumatized. Please never underestimate the feelings the child is experiencing or how this will impact their parents. Adoption is very different and it is a disservice to the child to suggest otherwise.

but I’d like to be able to reassure them that anxiety over being good enough parents is universal whether birth or adoptive.

One difference there is that adoptive parents have been assessed half to death before placement which can leave you feeling that you should be able to do it easily, with a smile on your face as you serenely care for your child’s needs. So when it all feels chaotic it can be very very hard to ask for help.