Crying for FC

[WittyUsername123]

Hi all,
We are just two nights into placement with LO (3), and I know this is very early days but I am uncertain and just seeking some common ground.
LO is a young 3, and placement was a bit rushed due to factors related to FCs health. I am worried that aside from us explaining in our electronic book, and then in person, no one else ever really explained to him what would be happening or why. As such, he is desperately grieving for his FC- he is crying for her, repeating her name over and over, and begging us to take him home to her.
This is all totally understandable but I guess I am frightened that I am not managing it well? I am trying to acknowledge his feelings, E.g. when he says “Jane’s gone!!” I say something like, I know darling, it’s very sad for you, and then I put in something about him being safe here.
I’m just worried I am doing or saying something which is making it harder, and I should be doing something else instead? I don’t know…

It's hard early days, especially in those moments. Being there for him is perfect. With our dc we reminded them that fc love them and will always be part of their lives. She wanted to look at photo albums and we had picture of her with fc in her room to show they're still important. Our fc were great too and would send a video message to say hi and see you soon.
do you have contact arranged? It is tricky as you say fc health issues so know that it can be hard whether they are able to offer support their end too. If possible to say you will try to see them soon that may help but only of course if that is possible.
Could you take photos of things in your day and choose one to send the fc together?
Would a book be helpful to help explain what is happening and why.
Reassure him he's not done anything wrong amd that you're his forever family.
I clearly told our dc that we're her mummy and daddy and love her forever and ever so much in the early days she would finish my sentence for me after a while!
Being there in the moment, hearing his feelings and allowing him to feel them will all help and part of his process. As you said it's early days and he will trust you more and more and as you go on that trust really grows. We are a year in with a 3 year old and looking back now its amazing that bond and trust that has built up now.
Hope some of that helps, you're doing a great job x
I also hope I make some sense on a Friday night at the end of a busy week

I made a little photo book on jessops to explain what had hapenned, really simply, such as "we came to know you, and love you" and ..."FC knew you would be safe with me..."kind of thing, really simple and short so could read it through with them. We also did a daily video call with fc for 2 weeks after placement. May help? (Or may not?)

Thank you, this is really helpful and I guess I was just seeking reassurance I’m doing a good (or, okay ish) job!
I think our FC, while a lovely person, is very emotional and he might struggle with too many videos but we will have her to visit in a week or two as part of the process.

Sorry this got cut off early, I meant to go on to say:
The majority of his crying and stress seems to be focused on bedtime: as soon as it’s time for his bath, he starts crying and asking us not to put him to bed. What he means, I think, is that he wants to go back to his foster carer’s house because as he’s crying, he says her name repeatedly.
We are just continuing to plod gently through the routine, and to explain what’s happening to him when he’s calm.

It sounds really hard,I guess it will be when he's at his tiredest so finding it all hard then.id stay with him all the way and just try to comfort him.maybe distraction may help?keeping routine too?Its such a hard time but hope time will make it easier.does he have milk at bedtime?you could have full snuggle with milk and night garden or something?it's really hard to know -maybe a photo of FC to sat good night too?hard to know really what would help or what would be worse,may be worth asking FC ?

I would chat to your sw about putting back visiting fc until he's abit more settled as you may end up back to square one. We saw fc about 8 weeks or so later as our first was cancelled whereas my friend did visits 4 weeks after but didnt cope very well with it & my daughter seemed to cope alot better with it.

Yes we did 2 weeks of daily phone calls which worked well then a visit at our home from FC for an hour which went badly and knocked out sleep etc.i felt at the time it was way too soon,but really it is hard to know if it was useful I the long term of grieving?she is really settled now so really hard to know.

In all honesty there’s nothing that can prepare a small child (or indeed his new parents) for the complex emotions of intros and transition. My DS grieved his foster carers for a long time, lots of very sore tears. We gave him space to cry, tried to name his feelings and answer his questions honestly in 4 year old language but really he just needed to work through it. Lots of comfort and reassurance but grieving is such a natural part of the process I’d not be trying to distract or move him on unless he’s really working himself into a state.

Maybe talk about his FC and his feelings during the day/when he’s not upset so he can get used to talking about them without distress? We had a disastrous first contact with FC so I’m not well placed to advise on that.

I'm not super experienced, our little one moved in a couple of months ago, and she is also younger than yours, so haven't had the same issues exactly.

I think you are handling it fine, it is always going to be tricky. But I would be doing similar to you. Also whenever our little one picks up the photo of FC, I say, yes that's Susan, she loves you a lot.

I think your little one crying and getting upset isn't a bad thing. It's obviously horrible to see, but it's a fairly healthy response. Within 2 weeks of our little one moving in we had seen the FC 3 times in our house. There was some dysregulated behaviour after that, but again I think this is fine. And I think it's helped her seeing the FC. Obviously if you don't think the FC did love your child, or wouldn't behave appropriately, then it'd be different.

Can you talk to your social workers and see if someone else can talk to little one about what's happened? Yoh kight not think its appropriate but just a thought. It sounds like it was a very difficult transition for him.

@WittyUsername123 Congratulations on your new arrival to your family.

from a personal point of view, I had no understanding about how much my little one would grieve for his foster carers. I expected some regression and tears but completely underestimated how difficult the move would be. I thought about the adoption from a logical, adult perspective. He needed someone to care for him into adulthood and his foster carers weren’t willing to adopt him so he needed to move but for my son, his world completely changed and I didn’t appreciate how hard that would be. I’ve no advice but only offer the hope that things do get better and over time, my son feels part of our family and although foster carers are thought of fondly, he understands now (after years) the role they had in his life. I suppose all you can do is be there for your little one and support him through his grief.