Calling us Mummy and Mama

[Torvy]

We have just started introductions with our eldest son (3), and so far things seems to be going reasonably well.

One unexpected hitch is the names that we are being called. I'm supposed to be Mama, the other half is supposed to be Mummy. (I'll be the SAHM for the foreseeable, so the idea was that her being mummy would cement that relationship in other people's minds, and make it easier for him to conceptualise when she wasn't there because everyone talks about mummies but mamas are less common etc).

However, throughout our introductions, the names have become very confused for him. Partly the FC hasn't quite got it straight (no pun intended!) In her mind, and then keeps accidentally calling us Mama and Mary (names changed to protect ID!) rather than Mama and Mummy, and partly because we know they sound similar, and he has had a Mummy before but not a Mama. He calls us both the names interchangeably.

Its become an emotional topic for us because when he is distressed he shouts I want my Mummy, but doesn't really appear to have a concept of who that is. Introductions happened quickly after final contact, and we were told that he doesn't call birth mum Mummy, but we aren't sure that's the case, and we think he might be a bit distressed about the final contact. The SW said that he has not been explicitly told that this was final contact with her, and it quite emotional. Plus, we don't think there has been anything explicit said to him from a SW about the idea of new mummies etc- a far cry from any Blanket Bear reading SW seen in that BBC adoption podcast!

In addition, he has intermittently called the FC and her older daughter Mummy, and FC name starts with an M as well.

It all culminated the other day with him wailing I want my Mummy, and the 3 of us all trying to work out who he meant and him looking at us all not knowing. And if we didn't know, how is he supposed to know either? Poor thing.

However, it's obviously hard for my other half, because we have said we wanted to be Mummy and mama, and, well, that's just how we pictured it. We don't think it would be getting so confused by the FC if it was Mummy and daddy, which is hard as well. It feels hurtful to have what feels like it should be bonding time with our son taken away by worrying about our names.

So, the question is, do we soldier on correcting everyone so that it's Mummy and mama? Is the name Mummy tainted forever and linked to too much trauma? If we persist, will it just sort of come naturally once we are at home and the cognitive load of managing intros is lessened? Are we just emotionally overwrought because #introductions and we just need to get over ourselves?

Any advice, comments or experiences welcomed!

Congrats on the introductions!

Sounds like the issue of names (and who his mummy is) is really making things emotionally harder than they already are for all of you.

I haven't been there, so might be complete nonsense, but might it be possible to have a frank talk with the FC to explain clearly who's who of the two of you, acknowledging that this is a challenging time for everyone? And/or changing your partner's name to 'Mum' for now (assuming there's nobody else called mum yet) and then waiting to see if you all feel happy switching to 'mummy' once he's been with you for a while? Apologies if this is a rubbish idea!

Why can’t you both be ‘mummy’…for now? If your boy is three, then he is only just getting to grips with language. If an adult foster carer is struggling with the right terminology, then why expect a toddler to be able to master the nuances? It’s okay to both be ‘mummy’ isn’t it? I’ll bet you my house that the second your boy shouts ‘mummy’ across the park, you will both be sprinting towards him for dear life! Get him home, let him settle in, then you will figure out these things in a natural process of evolution. But let yourselves be guided by your son as he has the biggest life adjustments to make.

We use those names too. Our FC never really got the hang of it and just called us by our first names, which we found upsetting at the time. I dont know if it helps to say that, looking back, I don't think it mattered too much in terms of LO understanding who we were, but it did bother us at the time. Agree though that you could remind the FC how you'd like to be called and ask them to use those names.

After they came home, our LO also got them confused/used names interchangeably for ages, and we just persevered. Their language was still developing so lots of words sounded the same anyway.

@Confusernme that's true, his language is still developing, and it's heartening to know that others had the same problem to be honest. SW made such a big deal about us knowing what to be called and how we would deal with prejudice from other adults that we became quite set on it, and it's hard to know when to stick and when to fold!

. @EmmatheStageRat the word mummy seems to send him into a tailspin if he is dysregulated, so that's what we are trying to avoid. We knew introductions would be tricky for everyone, and so we are trying to make sure we pick the right battles and hold the right boundaries for him, and you might be right that names are not the thing we are focusing on now.

@AKingdomForAUsername the FC suggested that we possibly both go by mama for now, which sort of makes sense in terms of reducing the stress for him, but I don't know if that might be more confusing in the future for him.

We have a break day today, so we will chat about it a bit more and make some decisions now that we've had a good night's sleep and some advice. We know that are knackered, so are definitely more emotional than normal, but it's officially our last ever 24 hour child free period, so we are going to make the most of it!

One half of a same sex couple here 👋 We’re mum and mummy. First, I understand why this feels so difficult and emotional for you all. Yes you could both be mummy but you’re not so other people will have to get used to it! I promise they will eventually.

RE intros I would suggest grinning and bearing it as much as you can as presumably the end is in sight? We labelled ourselves on our photos put up at the foster carers house which helped a lot, and we did the same in our son’s welcome book. Would a gentle/jokey chat with the foster carers about how it’s tricky getting the names right so you’ll add some labels help/be appropriate do you think?

We also always referred to the other parent by the chosen parent name even if others didn’t and encouraged family and friends to do the same. We didn’t usually correct people as they twigged pretty soon just from listening to us.

Our son called us other mum or mummy interchangeably for a while after moving to us and one day it just clicked for him. He gets very indignant now if the nursery staff say mummy’s here when I pick him up now and corrects them!

RE the word mummy being a trigger our son has about four mummies in his head at one point; birth mum, foster mum and us two. When he’s shouting for mummy he’s probably shouting for his strongest maternal figure at an unsettling time. Our son would often ask where mummy was early on and by the tone of his voice I could tell if he meant my wife or his foster mum.

I suppose I want to say I remember being exactly where you are now 9 months ago and wanted to say it will be ok. Intros was the most intense experience I’ve ever had and it can be overwhelming. Take a deep breath, count down the days and keep bonding with your son and the names will come.

Im not experienced as im just an adoptee, but thinking back to being a child and having two children, I’d avoid using the same term for both of you. Children often find two people having the same name odd and funny, so two peters in the class are always Pete and Peter or Peter L and Peter K. I think that carries over to terms, you wouldn’t expect them to call a mum and dad the same familial term all the time. I can understand why it’s tough and I’d want fo differentiate with a letter at least ‘mama a’ and mama ‘. Long term, he could get used to ‘mummy’, and I do think it’s more what the mum does and the way they are seen that causes the issue than the term, but a change might be easier with the confusion he has already. If you were going to change it then I think the earlier the better. Also, I wouldn’t panic too much re foster carer, though it would help if she could be more ‘on side’ and clearer, and (I’d have thought) it would have made the whole process smoother. It shouldn’t be that hard for her to grasp! You’re different people with slightly different roles in his life and something in me thinks that shouldn’t be lost.

Really hope the break went well and you got to chat things through.

Introductions are difficult and emotional! For everyone, especially for the child. We all ended up poorly, tearful and extra ‘reactive’. FC wouldn’t even refer to me as ‘mummy’ and just named me.

But, it was 2 weeks. Introductions ended and he was hope (he was 2 when he came home). After about 4 weeks, he called me ‘Mummy’.

I would just try and get through the next week, or however long you have left. The end is in sight. There is so much going on in his little life right now and it’s not going to be sorted in the next however many days. It will take time, routine, calmness. It will come!

We were Mama and Mummy through intros and then one day at home, my wife referred to me as Mamoo when she was messing around. It’s stuck! Our son was 3 when we adopted him and to be honest the word “mummy” held very little significance to him. It will soon work itself out. Just try and relax and hopefully you’ll never become a Mamoo!!

I absolutely love Mamoo; it’s like Mama crossed with Moomin! Big Moomins fans in this house.

@Torvy , how are the intros progressing? When do you get to take your boy home?

Sending you solidarity and all best wishes.

Honestly I’d take a step back from figuring out names just now - you’ve got enough on your plate with intros which are pretty emotionally charged. You’ve had an idea in your mind of how you’d like it to be, but your child may not be ready for that. It’s the first of many adjustments you’ll make to how you wanted it to be to support your child.

You’re two new people in his life and him calling you mum, mummy or mama might be a step too far when he’s only just met you and when other people have held those names in his life.

I’d let him decide how he tells you apart - by first names, nicknames or whatever - once he gets to know you he’ll likely naturally revert to a more parental name. In terms of who he means when he’s upset, it could be that he doesn’t know who to go to for comfort, actually wants the familiarity of his foster carer (but thinks he’s not allowed), or actually wants his birth mum. It’s a confusing time for him with huge losses and change - let him do whatever feels ok for him for now.

@Monkeybrains2017

mamoo is lovely ! and special because its personal to you

I seem to be referred to as Lump these days

Intros are really really difficult, for all of you. Let the small things go, and I know the names feels big to you, but it's a small thing. It sounds like LO has no idea what or who 'mummy' is, and so I would go with both being mama just now. Give it time- you've only just met, and intros are a short time. Don't worry about what FC calls you. This will all pass. Do you have enough treats in the cupboard to get through the first few weeks? That is the crucial question!

It'll all come. You're all strangers just now, it'll come together. One day, your teen will come through "mother- I love you- can I have £20?" and this will be barely a memory.

This is good advice.

congratulations OP. I’m a same sex adopter too and lots of people in ‘the system’ don’t really get it. Just get through intros, focus on your little boy and it will all fall into place in time.

Oh wow we will be Mama and Mummy. I wouldn't be having the FC not getting it right to be honest. This is introductions and his first experiences with you are important. Especially since the distress of final contact he is searching for stability and the repetition of mama and mummy is helpful when it's done right. Someone else said label the pictures with Mama and Mummy and doing language work with him when he is happy and settled throughout the day. We are in a group with new same sex parents who have recently done bridging and now have their kids home. Every couple has said that FC's were the biggest barrier to smooth identification because they put zero effort into getting the mum and mummy right or dad /papa.

I had such high hopes from adoption training about these saintly FC's but your experience and theirs have now made me anxious for what we are in for. we are mid way through stage 2.

Another couple mentioned straight up homophobia that the FC felt confident in telling them they don't agree with baby going to them because of their heritage that it would never happen in their birth culture/religion. Despite them already being match approved. Crazy. She is still fostering too. Reported and everything.

@fifteenohfour oof, the outright homophobia is very rough indeed- I like to give the benefit of the doubt wherever possible (call me optimistic) but when people make it so brazen that's really hard.

I think you are right, there is nothing quite like adoption to expose you to the fact that nobody is a total saint nor a total sinner, and those complexities are what make it so complicated (and yes, ultimately rewarding, but still complicated!). FCs are only human with all their own beliefs and ideals, and as adopters you don't really get to choose them either, but you still need to make meaningful connections for the child's sake. It's tough!

For a general update on the thread, we have him home now and the mummy/mama thing is slowly working itself out. The plaintive cries of mummy have been replaced by plaintive cries of the FC name mainly whenever we won't allow him icecream, so it feels more reasonable! He sometimes gets it a bit confused still, but it's not as painful as it felt in the days when he was calling us by our first name and we felt very much in thrall to the FC's naming strategies. We have been able to be more consistent, and over time it is helping.

To be honest, introductions were really tough, and I feel much better now that we are moving much more under our own steam. We have much more understanding of what the causes of confusion or trigger points are, and although they are hard, we have some elements of control and can make decisions about how or whether to correct and teach at that moment without it feeling time pressured or like you are criticising any other adults in the situation.

For anyone else in this situation, things that have helped so far included:

Pictures with names on them (great suggestion)
Clear inflections on the names and saying them in different tones- we say mummeeeeeee when we want something etc.
Putting mummy and mama into songs- so mummy on the bus goes sing sing sing, whereas mama on the bus goes drive drive drive etc
Being playful with "mama? Where's mama, she's not here! Did you mean mummy?"
Playing "who's got short hair/the tallest/a red jumper on" type games
Drawing pictures of mummy and mama together.
We also read the book mommy mama and me, and specifically referenced times when we did those things- do you remember when mama put you in the bath last night? As we read through it.

I'm glad it's sorting itself out! Congratulations on your little boy coming home :)

Wishing you a lot of happy days. Our ds called us Jane and Martin from the moment he arrived aged six, and still does now aged 27. Never once has he called us Mum and Dad or anything approaching it.