Posting here for traffic - adoption.

[Sopharsogood]

Me and DH have conceived a few times but always ended in MC and can’t pour ourselves through it any more so considering adoption.
For those who have successfully or unsuccessfully adopted, what does the process involve and what’s been good / bad from start to finish?

There is an adoption board, you might get some helpful answers there. @MNHQ can move your thread if you ask them but as a foster parent I can say that the process to become an adopter/foster is long, very in depth and can feel intrusive at times (and for good reasons).

You have my real sympathy that you haven't been able to conceive.

But please think very, very long and hard about adoption - the really intrusive and drawn out process is only the tip of the iceberg. Adopted children don't come from 'nice girls who got into trouble and can't keep their babies' any more, the majority of children available for adoption have suffered neglect or abuse, sometimes even from being in the womb and as a result will almost certainly be very, very challenging to raise.

A very close relative adopted and several years later the child's very high needs and very disruptive behaviour now threatens my relative's health, sanity and marriage. My relative tells me how many other adoptive families they know who are in the same position as they are and that social services can be extremely economical with the truth at the adoption stage when it comes to a child's likely prognosis.

I worry about kids adopted by people who see adoption as the last resort after TTC doesn’t work for whatever reason

Just realised that I wrote 'haven't been able to conceive' in my previous post, which re-reading the OP wasn't entirely accurate and I hope didn't upset you OP x

OP...sorry to hear about your losses 💗💗.

Beat going over to the adoption board as this will get flooded with posts from people saying "adoption shouldn't be a last resort" "adopted kids will all try to kill you in your sleep" and other horror stories ;)

Briefly, the adoption process to become approved goes like this:

Telephone the agency...usually people go through their local authority...Google your council and adoption and it will come up

You will be invited to an information event where you can find out more about the process

Stage 1 of the process is medicals/finance check/references (work and personal), DBS checks

Prep training..usually around 3 full days

Stage 2 ...assessments visits with your social worker

Approval panel...where you go to panel and they approve you as an adopter

All of this aims to be done in 6 months but can take longer.

Wait to be matched with a child...this is how long is a piece of string.

Then matching panel.

Introductions with little one...roughly 2 weeks or so.

If your most recent miscarriage was recently then you will need to take a period of time between that and starting the process. That period of time will vary depending on your local authority or agency. In the mean time do a lot of reading on attachments and trauma in early childhood. Adoption UK is a good place to start as is the prospective adopters group on FB.

Best of luck if you decide to move forward 💗

It took seven months to get approved. Stage one was DBS, medical, training course, house visit, references. Stage two was a series of chats with our social worker and they put together a report on us, our lives our strengths, weaknesses what we'd be like as parents. That goes to panel. Once approved waited seven months for a match. We did foster to adopt. Fostered my son for a year until the adoption. The application process wasn't that bad. Waiting for a match was frustrating. Parenting my adoptive son has been harder than parenting my birth child. The love I have for both of them is the same. He's certainly not "damaged"!

Not sure what part of the country you are in but not true where I am, many babies come up but as explained elsewhere they may have suffered trauma. I personally feel it's the best thing we ever did despite the challenges, he is our world and we support him everyday. There are so many children out there without the love and support they need, if you are strong OP I would encourage you to open your heart to one of them <3

Just want to add that as potential adopters you will be asked to use contraception ongoing through matching etc which can be very painful for couples who have had fertility difficulties. I am so sorry for your losses.

There are lots of babies around (I'm a sw) but as others have said they will have early trauma guaranteed and have complex needs. Care proceedings take at least 6 months so newborn babies arnt a thing in adoption though foster to adopt is worth looking into bit that means you risk a baby being placed with you which is taken away again.

I don’t have personal experience but I know an ex social worker who has adopted a baby girl & fosters many many more. Literally always a new born baby - recent ones have been x2 relinquished at birth & then 5-6 that had been taken at birth or v shortly after where the explanation (although she can’t go into it too much I guess) was ‘the mum can’t keep them safe’. As soon as 1 gets adopted another baby comes.

I remember when she adopted her little girl (now 7) it took ages!

Just a gentle question, please feel free to ignore, but have you been seen by the recurrent miscarriage service & had investigations?

We finally has DS after 3 MCs and we had pretty much given up after the third one as it was very difficult. Our 2nd MC was particularly hard as took a long time to complete, & we took a break from TTC for a while as I just couldn't face it.

I was prescribed progesterone and aspirin by the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit (as I was still on a waiting list for the recurrent MC service) when the 4th pregnancy was confirmed.

Whatever the route, I really hope the future brings you your family x

@Sopharsogood the process was fine, parenting an adopted child is hard. Although lots of people come to adoption due to fertility issues (please excuse me clumsy language), I think it’s helpful to view adoption as separate from fertility. The question shouldn’t be “how do I become a parent?” But “am I the right parent for a child with significant needs?” All kids who are adopted, by the nature of it, have significant trauma and attachment and how that impacts on the child varies. I find the terminology of damage very insulting. the kids aren’t damaged by their early experiences, they haven’t had the opportunity to develop in a neurotypical way. Giving them the right opportunities to develop, may be enough to help them lead a healthy and happy life. However, there is a risk with adoption. Are you prepared to take on the risk for a child already born?

I found the start of the process easy- it starts with a phone call, and then learning about trauma, attachment, and adoption. Then all the intrusive bits. Then matching, which is hard, and intros, which is harder. And can be really difficult if foster carers and social workers chose to make it so.

The comes parenting. Which is really hard. And wonderful. Like birth kids, but more so. Much much harder, but also seeing a child who has had a difficult start blossom is very rewarding.

I haven't finished parenting yet, and think I never will, so can't tell you about the 'finish'. Good luck.

It took us 11 months from the start to our D.C. coming home. We adopted an 8 month old and all our friends have adopted babies too (I am mentioning this in response to the previous poster who suggested the babies do you not come up for adoption often. This isn’t true where I live).
It is absolutely the best thing we’ve ever done, and we have a wonderful child! Our little one is now six and thriving. They have no obvious issues, though there are things that we have to navigate to others won’t (meeting half siblings etc) but life is amazing.

We came to adoption via failed IVF.

We first contacted an agency 6 months after our final attempt, but then waited a further year before contacting a different agency and applying. We felt so much more ready after that extra time.

You need to grieve for the birth child you aren't having and come to terms with it, before proceeding with adoption (if you so choose, it isn't right for everyone.)

You have to accept that before the child came to you they had their first family first. Unless you are OK with that you shouldn't adopt.

I also recommend adoption UK's prospective adopter zoom meet ups,they are so helpful.and the a and f podcast is great.read lots,start with no matter what by Sally Donovan maybe.our process took 3 years,was fine but felt slow and we now have our wee one,was 1 when she arrived and is now 2 and is exactly as chaos as any 2 year old!good luck,it can be a wonderful way to make a family

Yes children who come to adoption have challenges, but it’s not all bad news. I know many in my circle of adopters who are doing well and have been for some time. My two were older (4 and 6) so their additional needs were fairly well known and there hasn’t been anything really I didn’t expect. They have additional support needs but aren’t remotely difficult to parent and are both thriving in their own way.

It is possible to adopt babies particularly if you go down the foster to adopt route, but their outcomes are less predictable because many issues don’t present until they are older.

My kids aren’t damaged, they have developed as you’d expect children with their life experiences to develop. They need support at times but they are perfectly themselves and I wouldn’t change them.

The majority of people adopting do so after being unable to have birth children.
Thats the way its always been.

Not sure why your so 'worried' about them due to this fact . may I suggest if its keeping you up at night maybe consider adopting yourself??

Very few adopters have known since conception that they wanted to adopt.

Some people look at adoption after trying for a biological child. Others realise at a point in their lives that they are not in a relationship that could lead to a biological family, but want to be a parent. Still others develop a caring relationship with a child, and when that child needs a permanent family they step forward. Or a sibling cannot parent their child, so they adopt their niece/nephew.

There's no right or wrong way to decide to adopt.

All of them require the adopters to let go of what 'might have been' if life had taken a different course, and make a positive choice about adopting. There is nothing wrong with making that positive choice after first trying for a biological child. That doesn't mean you will see your adopted child as anything less than just 'my child'.

After 3 losses we chose adoption over IVF.

We have been matched and will start intros with our LO's after Christmas.

At first we wanted a baby until we did the training. Partly due to uncertainty and party due to hearing how hard it is for older kids, siblings and even boys as they dont get as much interest. But it broke me and I changed my mind.

In a way because we are adopting 2 children, it removes me further from our fertility issues and allows us to have this separate life rather than it ever being a last resort. We had also fully accepted never having kids at all which helped.

Nothings ever going to be easy with adoption but I absolutely cannot wait to get to know our kids

My husband and I have just adopted. Its a long process but I really recommend it. We started in April last year and our DD joined our family last week - but we wanted a baby/toddler which can take much longer than older children. Children are up for adoption for all kinds of reasons. You’re not limited to severe medical disabilities and older children like people think - but you do have to accept that you may have to wait slightly longer.

I suggest you read up on the First4Adoption website which explains the process and also has a search function for finding an agency near you. Do a couple of open evenings to help you choose the agency who feels right for you as they all operate slightly differently. In all cases though it’s a fixed 6 months to get you approved to be an adopter and then after that it’s a case of playing the waiting game looking at profiles until the right child comes along.

If you are keen to adopt a baby I suggest you do some research on something called Foster For Adoption (aka Early Permanence), where you are the child’s foster carer initially to minimise the transitions they have to do. It’s a good way to increase your chances if it’s something you’re willing to do.

Good luck. If you have any questions feel free to message me. xx

Are you an adopter? I don’t know where you’re getting your information from.

Babies do come up for adoption - I adopted two of them. Specialist support is available, funded by the Adoption Support Fund. I’ve benefitted from it.

And my children are not damaged. They are wonderful.

@4thdegree rarely would a couple ever be progressed to adoption stage without that being explored in great lengths. We are adopting after failed IVF and miscarriage and we have explored non stop with the social workers our readiness and mental grief associated with that loss. We are on stage 2 so in the serious part and we won't be moved onto panel if they have any sense we are doing this for the wrong reason. Your worries make it seem like adopting is easy and a plan B for infertile couples. You can't breeze through the adoption stages hoping no one cottons on you just want a baby to fill a void. It doesn't work like that, you are caught out at the first application form. There is a question specifically asking to explain yourself if you have had fertility problems .

I agree. Stage 2 is a fixed 6 month period where you go through lots of meetings and discussions to find out all about you and your past and how you see parenting/adoption, culminating in a 100+ page report being written about you for the many people involved in the decisions to read. If there is even an inkling you aren’t fully over your personal infertility they will offer assistance and won’t let you proceed until they are happy.

Similarly @Mischance there may well be agencies (probably underfunded councils) that don’t offer much aftercare support but that is why it is important to take your time in choosing the right agency for you. Ours is one of the voluntary agencies and they offer life long support including assistance from social workers and all sorts of family days and community groups. Never just go with the first agency you find without researching the others available.