Contacting Ex step child's family

[southwestadopter]

Hello,

We are currently in stage 2 of the adoption process and it has been overall a very positive experience. My husband has been married previously and his ex wife had a daughter who he brought up from the age of 5 to 15 (when they divorced).

Due to the circumstances of their divorce (his wife had an affair and then moved in with the man she was having an affair with across the country) and the age of the step daughter they didn't for long carry on a step father / step daughter relationship.

He has however always kept the door open for her should she want to contact him. He has also maintained a really positive relationship with ex's parents (who I have also met)

During stage 1 they contacted his ex wife by phone who mentioned that her daughter no longer has a relationship with my husband (but she didn't mention the circumstances of the divorce). It has come out in our sessions since but obviously in a way where my husband didn't want to mudsling.

During this call and to us by text afterwards she then said she doesn't want to be contacted again but wishes us luck etc.

Our social worker is now saying she would like to meet with my husbands ex mother and father in law regarding the step daughter. We're a little worried this could be quite intrusive for their family and the step daughter in particular if it is mentioned to her.

My husband is going to chat to them both this weekend but is this normal? I've seen a lot of posts about ex's being contacted through adoption processes but has anyone parented a step child previously and had similar? We just feel its a bit much to expect his ex in laws to meet with our SW!

I can't help in terms of children/step-children but hopefully someone will be able to give you a better insight! My partner's ex was contacted during our Stage 1, she didn't want to provide a reference as she 'doesn't even know him anymore' and said not to contact her again. Fair enough. Our SW then wanted to speak to someone who was part of my partner's life during the time of that relationship. I think if your partner has a positive relationship with his previous partner's parents then they are good people to be able to confirm that nothing untoward happened with their daughter or grandchild. No behaviour/safety issues etc. I can't imagine it would be a long conversation. I completely understand how it feels intrusive - it is - I would maybe ask your social worker to provide a short explanation as to why it is important they talk to them so that you can explain it them? Hopefully it will put your mind at rest with what they want to talk about too.

Hi @southwestadopter

It's normal for SWs to want to speak to people where one of you have had a relationship involving a child. Your DH was dad to her for most of her childhood. Usually they would want to speak to the other parent and the child but they won't force that.
If he has a good relationship with the ex in laws the SW probably see that as the next best thing
Nothing really to worry about - but natural for people to feel a bit anxious about it