Breaking the ice during intros

[WittyUsername123]

We are knee-deep in intros with LO(3) at the moment. We have had some really positive meetings but today was our first meeting at FC’s house- and it was a bit different.
He was a bit poorly today which affected his mood, but he was very anxious and didn’t feel he could separate from FC at all.
We know that this is understandable but just want to see if we can find any advice on strategies to help him feel as relaxed as possible! Thanks.

I wouldnt try to force anything, just make sure he sees you relaxed chatting with fc and let him get comfortable watching you? When he is comfortable with you being in the house just playing on the floor with his toys till he chooses to come over to you before too much interaction etc? Wearing/carrying something of a favourite tv show or character maybe? Just chatting to fc about said tv show, something he can listen in on no pressure. Take it real slow and be down at his level, sit on the floor etc? Have you got a good long time for intros? if not ask to extend it? Time will help.

As an adopter and a foster carer it is important not to overwhelm him. Intros for him may just have to be slower and longer. Some children take to the new people in their lives quite easily, others it takes longer. He will get there in the end.

let him lead the play, sit in the floor at his level but a comfortable distance away and parallel play until he is comfortable to join your play. Bubbles are a good thing for getting him moving around, straying further from the foster carer. Jigsaws are also nice for doing together.

we moved a two and half year old on recently to adoption. Intros involved four full days in our house with us close by before they moved to the adopters house but with us fully present for the first day. The child needed that for reassurance. Gradually around day three we were able to withdraw from the room. I work from home and the little one was happy to play with his adopters but every now and again needed to come to my office to touch base. When they took him out to the local soft play on day four my husband went in the car with them so that his first trip in his car was not alone! He was able to leave them at the soft play and walk home.

The day we moved to their house, I brought my laptop and set up office for the day in the dining room - I stayed around for the first couple of hours then withdrew to the dining room and he spent the day checking in with me. The next day they were able to pick him up and he went happily to play in his new house! He would not have been ready for this any earlier! In all the intros took almost two weeks! He needed every minute of these.The intros were much slower than would be normal in our LA but absolutely right for the child. The final move, his ongoing bond and transfer of attachment has been really good.

just take it at his pace and he will get there.

Our intros were nice and long at that has been really really good, please do ask to extend if not feeling long enough. Ours was 2 weeks of face times first, then 10 days of play dates in their local area and fc home, then a week at ours and then 2 more weeks of facetimes back to fc. We had no pressure and could extend if felt we should, and has worked really well. So thought I should say dont rush it, dont worry, take the time it can help alot.

Thank you all for your advice! We have two weeks left- we aren’t able to extend further because after that FC has a medical issue which means he either comes to us or goes to respite, so I think this has introduced some pressure into my mind about the whole thing!
I’m trying not to focus on that and just work with him as though we have all the time in the world.

Ah youl be good with 2 weeks still to go, thast great! Just let it happen, it will be ok. Bubbles are good especially when out and about, and spend good time chatting to the fc so little one can see you are trusted. talk to them about anything you know the little one is interested in so they can really hear the chat and be interested. Good luck!

Completely normal behaviour for any three-year-old. It would be much more worrying if he was wanting you when he was poorly after just meeting you. Just play alongside him, chat to his foster carer etc. Being in the room with him is enough at that stage and you still have plenty of time during intros. Good luck with your new family