3 years on and its still so stressful

[SisterDragon5]

I have typed this out and deleted it a few times in the last few weeks but I always end up changing my mind because it feels so horrible to say but then I need to tell someone and I can't tell anyone in real life.

I'm just so tired sometimes it feels like as soon as we work through one problem another one appears and threes never just a time where everyone is happy and settled.

My 3 sisters came to live with me and my Aunt over 3 years ago when they were removed from our dad. They were 5,3 and a baby at the time. It was really stressful and of course the girls where really upset and unsettled. I was also angry with how it was handled (but that could be a whole other thread).

DS1 is lovely, quiet and funny but we believe she has autism and trying to get an assessment was difficult because everyone was just blaming the trauma she has been through and kept saying we should wait till she is more settled and to give therapy a chance to work. Plus COVID slowed everything down. They have now agreed that she does show signs of Autism and we are now going through the process but it takes years when if they had just listened to start with, we could have had a diagnosis by now.

We've also had loads of problems with her schooling and last year I had to collect her multiple times. Its been better this year so far but the lead up to Christmas changes all the usual school routines so she's starting to show signs of struggling again.

DS2 was very difficult when she first can to live with me. She used to tantrum constantly through out the day. Probably a combination of all the changes + being 3 but for a while it was really bad.
Shes now doing better. Shes very social and popular in school and her teachers say she is very kind, fair and empathetic while she is there. But at home she really struggles unless she is the center of attention. She is often mean to her sisters and says that she wishes she was an only child. She doesn't tantrum so much anymore but once a month she often has a massive meltdown where she slams doors and throws things and is incredibly aggressive and destructive. It usually takes a few hours for her to calm down and even then she won't say sorry till a few days later.

DS3 would not sleep when she first got here. She would sleep for an hour at a time and then wake up screaming.
Shes better now, she goes to bed in her own bed. But she still gets into bed with me in the middle of the night and wakes up around 4.30am every morning. I usually change her pull- up and convince her to get back into bed with me and I doze a bit but I really miss the sleep.
Shes slightly behind in her milestones especially in her speech

Weve also had problems with DS3s grandparents on her mothers side. They didn't agree with her living with me and tried to block the adoption. When they lost they then tried to appeal which made everything even more stressful and time consuming than it had to be.
We have come to an agreement where she sees them every other weekend and they are nice people and I know they are just worried. But I always feel like they are waiting for me to do something wrong and they often text me after DS has been there asking questions or picking apart something DS has said.

I just feel so stressed all of the time, and I find myself wondering what's going to happen next or trying to analyse the girls to try and spot issues so I can nip them in the bud.
I supposed I always hoped it would get easier over time or that it would calm down till they hit their teenage years but although the problems have changed its still full on and I don't know if its my fault they aren't more settled or if this is just how it is for them.

That sounds really hard for all of you.

It sounds like you need more support. Are you getting any?

Where are their mum(s)?

Their mums can't have contact with them. No-one knows where the mum of the eldest 2 is and the youngests mum is in prison but won't be allowed contact even when she gets out.

We live with our Aunty who has to work full-time to pay the bills. I had to leave my job and get a part time school hours job so that I could be home for the girls. I can't tell her how stressed I am because she is already working so hard and to be honest she can't look after the girls more than she already does.

We don't have much support really, the social workers always say they will help but nothing ever really happens. I used to chase it up but I was always told there was a waiting list, so I gave up trying.

@SisterDragon5

Firstly, you might not think it or feel it, but you are doing a great job. You have taken on such an enormous task, however much you wanted to do it, you have still had your life turned upside down, throw in the stress of Covid and you are in a really tough situation

Secondly you don't have to answer intrusive and irrelevant questions about birth mum's.
Thirdly - what support are you getting? Do the older two get DLA ? You do not have to have diagnosis to get DLA, DLA means increases to Universal Credit, if you aren't working you may also get Carers Allowance.
I know money isn't everything but it can make life a whole lot easier - you could even consider private assessments.
It sounds like all three of them have made great progress - don't blame yourself for anything, you are the one picking up the pieces but progress is likely to be slow.
Do you have any support on your wider family to give you a bit of respite?

@SisterDragon5

I think you should tell your Aunty how you are feeling. Of course she is doing an important thing in earning the income but maybe together you could come up with some solutions.

No i'm not getting DLA for them. I did think you needed a diagnosis for that so that's interesting to know and defiantly something I will look into. I am working part time, mostly for my own sanity. Before the girls I had a good job, I originally thought I could go back to it once the Girls were settled in school/nursery. But with COVID plus the girls needs I realised I couldn't do both. But I still needed something to get me out the house.

No real support from the wider family, we have an adult brother who will help with childcare if I really need it but he struggles with his own mental health and he can't do it regularly. My gran can also take them for an hour or so if I have a dentist appointment or something but she is getting older and I wouldn't want to leave them with her regularly because it would be too much for her.

Telling my Aunty is difficult, she's stressed herself trying to keep her business running. Plus there's not much she can do, we can't afford her not being in work and I can't pick up any more hours because the girls need me around. I'd just be making her more stressed for no reason.

The suggestion of DLA is a good one - there’s an excellent guide by Cerebra for applying for learning difficulties/disabilities which helps you firstly identify where your children need extra support and how to word it. Money isn’t everything but it’s one less stress to think about.

Really try not to blame yourself for how they are, you’ve taken on 3 kids (and if I remember rightly are fairly young yourself), which is a massive commitment. I’m not surprised you’re finding it hard going. Aside from it generally being hard going, is there anything particular you’re struggling with just now that we might be able to help with?

@SisterDragon5
Hi
Firstly I just wanted to say you sound like you are a phenomenal sister ! Being a parent/ carer is hard throw in the fact of adoption and there are 3 of them you are doing brilliantly!!
I think like the others have said you should definitely see what extra support you can get finance wise as it will help offload some of the extra stress so make that a priority.
Also you should tell your Aunt I know that you have said you don't want to add to her troubles but she needs to know and you are all in it together, I'm sure she would want to know.
I would also look at some time for yourself...I know harder said than done but even if you let gran look after them regularly for just 1 hour a couple of times a week and you do a class or go swimming or something just for you!
Where is the help from the adoption team..do you have regular contact from a social worker if so you need to be honest and tell them that you need help with certain things. I think like everything since covid everyone is very busy overworked and understaffed however they still have a duty of care to you so please make sure you make a phone call.

Do you have a friend/ partner that you can vent rant to so you can talk?

I think the girls all sound like they have come along way , they still have a way to go but don't underestimate that they have and you are part of that achievement ☺️☺️

Not sure if you can/want to say but what area are you in.. just thinking maybe someone on here might be able to offer some information regarding this??

Finally please take care of yourself, you are doing the hardest job in the world.

Feel free to chat on here it's a good listening board.

Thank you for your advice, I spoke to my Aunty a bit and we are going to look into DLA and hopefully it will take some of the pressure off.

We have contact with a social worker and I have contacted them. But the services they suggest have long waiting lists and because we aren't in dire straits we often end up low on the lists.

No partner and only a couple of friends but they don't really get it.

The hardest part is just trying to meet the needs of all 3 of them at the same time. I'm sure its a problem for any parents with 3 kids. But it just feels like I deal with an issue one of them has and then another one needs help and on and on. Plus trying to make sure they all get 1 on 1 time and they all get help with homework, that they all get therapy and support and time to enjoy activities and normal kid stuff.

Good for you, DLA would take the financial pressure off and hopefully enable you to pay for a few things to ease the load - Im thinking cleaner for a start.

if there are any TAs in your school they might be glad of a bit of extra cash for bsbysitting whilst you take one of the girls for some individual time.

Are there any adopter groups or meet ups in your area?

I have two and meeting their conflicting needs is a constant issue. When do you have down time where there are no demands being made in you? Is there space while they’re at school for example to give yourself some headspace - having constant demands is very draining so you really do need time to yourself in some shape or for you. Work is a good sanity saver but can also be another pressure.

I’d apply for DLA and use the money to ease things as much as possible - outsource whatever you can in terms of cleaning. And revisit things with social work - when you say you’re not in dire straits I suspect that’s because you’re holding it all together, but your capacity to do so will run out given the pressures you’re under. How dire do things need to be for you to press services for help?

In my experience, it is much easier to get support once one professional backs you up. We got support after the first assessment.

I agree with others that you should speak to your aunt and try to make a plan so you both get regular time off. Take good care of your own wellbeing.

I found a routine incredibly helpful. The more boring (=predictable) the days, the better for everyone. Maybe you can find to a small park or playground, where you can just sit and relax or chat for a bit while the kids play every day? Or could you go to play & stay sessions nearby?

Your situation sounds very challenging and you seem to be a wonderful sister.

Thank you for being so kind.
We have a very set routine because it really helps the eldest and the younger 2 benefit from it as well.
I get home from work around 2.30 pm and my Aunty picks them up from school and if there are no afterschool activities, she takes them to the park so I get an hour to an hour and a half everyday. Which I use to shower and change and start dinner. Then every other Saturday the youngest is with her grandparents and Aunty takes the others swimming so I get a couple of hours then as well. So its not like I get no time to myself I know I am much luckier than lots of other parents and care givers.

There aren't many adopters meet ups by us. A couple stopped during COVID and didn't restart. A couple we went to weren't a very good experience (probably a whole other thread). Everything else is further away and its really hard to find the time to go and do everything else.

We have tried to get more help from social workers but its seemed to be that unless you are on the verge of giving the DCS up then its harder to get help. Admittedly though after a few months of chasing I did give up because it just felt like another thing to do. But I should really get back on to it.