Child to parent violence

[Piratemam]

My son is only 3.5 but for about 6 months now it's constant violence, almost daily we're being hit and kicked. I understand the reasons why he does it but it doesn't help when you're in the thick of it. We've contacted post adoption support and they did some sensory therapy which was great but we only got 6 sessions because the bulk of the funding has gone on a therapeutic parenting course which honestly isn't that helpful.

Like I said he's only 3.5 but he's big and strong. It really does hurt when he hits us especially as he always goes for the face. It feels very intentional and he'll properly punch and kick us.

I feel so tense all the time and find myself flinching away from him even when he just wants a hug.

I keep shouting at him because I'm just at my breaking point all the time. Tonight I said he was ruining my evening and why couldn't he just be normal :( I know that's a horrible thing to say but when he's kicking out I just lose it. I know he's looking for that kind of reaction and sometimes I am able to be calm but other times not.

Tonight at bedtime he kept hitting me and I shouted at him. My wife said to me to go downstairs and she'd finish. He then freaked out that I was gone and ended up following me and now we're all just down here.

Any advice welcome. This can't be the rest of his childhood right?!

It's hard when a child has suffered and they lash out and hurt you. It can be relentless. Check out NVR non violent resistance and try those techniques with your son.
Did you use ASF adoption support fund for the help with your son if not ask post adoption worker about this.
Maybe he needs some life story work but being so young may struggle with this but may be worth considering.
Look at places like family futures or post adoption centre I'm sure there are others that might be local to you who you could offer specialist
help.
Not sure what you covered in your course.try to create win win situations eg do you want your red or blue pjs for bed. Offer limited choice ,use distractions , be playful.

Our children often need to be parented differently and we have to change our mindset to try and help.it is not always easy and maybe not what you want to hear but sadly we can not always stop the anger and violence we just have to do our best to help and support them .

@Piratemam my son is 7 and we have had this on and off for about 18 months but it is turning a corner. Look into the ASF as they should be able to help you with the sensory sessions and if not call the Post Adoption Team and ask them to help, keep chasing them, email everyday if need be! Also look at the NVR your SW should be able to send you some details.
I would also look at what triggers him, he's very young and emotionally even younger. He will also be hyper vigilant and in fight/flight mode .
Why he's in the middle of the episode there's no point trying to speak to him or calm him down as his brain is not working like it should be, it would be like talking to a drunk person. Once he's calmed down if he can tell you what is wrong ask him and re iterate we don't hurt we use kind hands kind feet kind words.
It won't be forever it will be hard and there will be days that are better.
He is very young, his brain is still developing, he's emotionally younger.
Talk to other parents, join support groups, talk on here, don't beat yourself up we all loose our temper were human at the end of the day just say sorry to him and treat every day as a new day.

Al coates has lots of stuff that may help, they do NVR training I think on their no borders training,see the a and f podcast etc.our daughter is younger but found the bing episode where they put the angry in a cloud helpful for visualising it l,it's one about a tea party.we also have a little velcro emotions board from Amazon so she can show us her emotions,may help?I'm sure adoption UK also have webinars on it too which would be really helpful?

Tonight I said he was ruining my evening and why couldn't he just be normal :( I know that's a horrible thing to say but when he's kicking out I just lose it.
Our natural instinct when under attack is to withdraw and protect ourself or to fend off the attack - obviously when it’s your child you can’t do either of those things. We constantly go against our protective instincts parenting a child who displays violent behaviour, it’s exhausting and confusing - and there will be times you reach the limits of your empathy and compassion. Forgive yourself and think about how you can look after yourself in this, which in turn will help you have more capacity to meet your child’s needs.

Some good suggestions on this thread so I won’t repeat them, just a reminder to care for yourself in the midst of it all.