If you were starting the process again, what would you do differently?

ScummyMummySE1 · 2022-10-18T12:01:27+00:00

I'm starting out and learning and reading as much as I can. In your case if you could go back to the start of your journey again, what do you wish you had known more about, or what would you do differently?

Chocapple · 18/10/2022 17:57

I would have read up a lot more about developmental trauma, sensory issues and child to parent violence !!! And joined the adoption and TP FB groups a lot earlier... I spent nearly 2 years feeling very alone apart from this board.

I found that the SW training barely scratched the surface and was very rose tinted.

Also I would have far less naive... the Support promised from SW's, school and my Support Network has been far less than what was promised. I have now found lots of local Adopter, foster and SEND families who welcome us with open arms and no.judgement.

I posted a lot about the incredibly difficult times I have had with AS6. Two years after Placement life is GOOD. Very challenging but we are a Team and the good times NOW! far exceed the bad.

Above all I should have understood much more that 1/3 of adoptions don't really have any day to.day issues, 1/3 have challenges but its manageable (me) & 1/3 have very significant challenges and on the edge of crisis.

Finally I say do as much reading as you can... take the good, the middle and the really difficult stories and think any of this could happen.

Adoption is a leap into the unknown and a leap of faith. Adoption is HARD !!! but it's the best thing I have ever done. I am trying very hard.... to grow a thicker skin... to politely but firmly brush off my family who say I should do, this, that and constantly questioning my parenting and why we dont attend many family events. They have no idea what he's like at home esp after Sensory overload. WOOOOOOSH.

If you have any further questions ask away here. We're a very friendly bunch and have lots of different experiences amongst us.
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tonyhawks23 · 18/10/2022 20:51

I read this earlier and have been thinking about it all day,I honestly don't see anything we would have done differently,we've had it right so far,but we are only 8 months in so early days!it's been really really hard but we expected it to be and i think we've done all we can so far,which is great to feel so that was a nice question to think about today!

BAdopter · 18/10/2022 21:29

I read up loads before we started the first time and I think I was quite well prepared for becoming a parent to a child with trauma.
What I would do differently is not be so scared of SWs and push back with what I thought was best especially with transitions and the first few months of placement. I covered things up alot as I was constantly scared they were looking for reasons to take LO off of us which in hindsight was pretty ridiculous. I spent the first year of placement trying to look like I was managing instead of just enjoying every moment of my adoption leave.
Feel like I would be much more natural and prepared next time round.

tonyhawks23 · 18/10/2022 21:51

Ba adopter what you say here I feel is an important one,is your little one your first?I ask because I think that sounds exactly like how I was with my first,yet I am on number 3 now and so much more relaxed and just rolling with it kind if thing,so maybe that's helpful OP,just be confident in what your doing,know that everyone will give you advice and some of it will help and some of it will hinder,as with all parenting it's just going to be really tough and you have to just follow your instinct.its always always really tough at the beginning.one thing I found was really good for us was how we just said all the way through what would work for us and what wouldn't for transitions etc,so wanted to ditto ba adopter and just say what you need and what you feel would make things better.

BAdopter · 19/10/2022 21:27

tonyhawks23 · 18/10/2022 21:51

Ba adopter what you say here I feel is an important one,is your little one your first?I ask because I think that sounds exactly like how I was with my first,yet I am on number 3 now and so much more relaxed and just rolling with it kind if thing,so maybe that's helpful OP,just be confident in what your doing,know that everyone will give you advice and some of it will help and some of it will hinder,as with all parenting it's just going to be really tough and you have to just follow your instinct.its always always really tough at the beginning.one thing I found was really good for us was how we just said all the way through what would work for us and what wouldn't for transitions etc,so wanted to ditto ba adopter and just say what you need and what you feel would make things better.

Yes it was our first. When I speak with new adopters now I always try to share this with them. SWs do not want the adoption to break down it's very bad for them so it's in their interest to for you to be happy. I just felt I nodded along with anything they said and hurried them out the door all the time.
Felt like others were judging me too as my LO was 9 months old so we had little time to learn as we go at that age when he quickly went through some big development milestones.

Patchyman1 · 20/10/2022 10:14

Life is not how I imagined it would be but not sure I would change anything. Things like pushing for EHCP's earlier, but that I think comes down to confidence and experience. Covid was a game changer for us. Lockdown was just what we needed and working from home now is so much better for work life balance.

Yolande7 · 29/10/2022 21:34

I would have insisted to stay in the classroom for the first week or so. It went fine without me, but I think we just got lucky.

I would have been MUCH more careful about our choice of secondary school and found one as similar to the primary as possible.

Otherwise nothing really. We were extremely well prepared and overall got things right the first 7 years.