I don’t think I can cope any more.

[Rainallnight]

I just shouted at my DC and then I cried.

This is obviously terrible.

DP is away for work and I’m really poorly.

They just don’t do anything I ask them to. The thing that’s depressing me is that we’re getting support at the moment and it’s not making a difference.

I think I’m just looking for a handhold. I feel like the world’s most terrible parent.

Hand hold here. You aren’t a terrible parent. You are a parent who is struggling and under pressure. I work in mental health and sometimes things get worse before they get better so hang in there with the support and perhaps try to open up about how you are feeling. How about respite for you. Any chance dp could get home, family take over for a bit or nursery/school? If you do get a bit of time, use it for yourself, forget the jobs and tasks that need doing and just do something for you.

I doubt there’s many children that haven’t been shouted at, it’s just us adopters hold ourselves to a much higher standard unfairly I think.

Finally have a Google of rupture and repair. It’s not what happens so much that matters, it’s how we fix it that can be soothing for you both x

@Rainallnight
you sound under a lot of pressure, of course you aren’t a terrible parent.

every parent shouts at some point, the important thing is to repair.

how old are they?

Thank you both of you.

They are 6 and 4.

The four year old stamped on our iPad and smashed it this morning because I wouldn’t let him play with something (because he had to get dressed for school and wasn’t).

It was just such a terrible morning. I felt like it was all completely out of control. We have firm boundaries etc but they just don’t listen and don’t give a shit. I’m feeling quite depressed.

I’m sorry for going on. No one in real life gets it.

I know about rupture and repair and started repairing this morning and will continue to this afternoon. They were both quite scared, I think.

Hand hold from me. I have been where you are and after almost 10 years I have finally realised if we don't make it school or whatever on time it then that's ok. Especially the times when I have struggled. We had over 2 years of post adoption support and things improved slowly, but it eventually made a huge difference to us. Have an easy tea and watch a movie/cartoon together if you can. Look after yourself. Please don't be hard on yourself, sometimes it is just really hard. Hope you feel better soon.

It's not terrible, people shout sometimes - it's not the end of the world. Your child broke an expensive item and you were stressed. I don't think it hurts children to know when they've just pushed too far - we all have our limits and you've reached yours. You're working on repairing the relationship, which is important, now work on being kinder to yourself.

Mornings can be a huge challenge for adopted kids, the transition from home to school and then from school to home are still massively difficult for my two and they cope in different ways. I'd suggest giving yourself lots of time in the morning, I start waking my two a good hour and a half before we need to leave - that way there is time to get them through the morning routine, have a meltdown or two, have some chill time before they need to leave. I used to have a visual timetable (which got ignored more often than not), now they both have a routine set up on Alexa which talks them through reminding them to brush teeth, put shoes on etc. It's not perfect but they seem to listen to Alexa more than me some days and they can tailor their routine to suit their personalities (my DS is a get up, get dressed, get breakfast, chill type of child, my DD is a get up, putz about in pjs, get breakfast, get dressed, potter about some more, brush teeth kind of child) - try to work with your child's personality where possible.

I also try to get up an hour before they do, have the house to myself, get a cup of tea before chaos ensues, listen to a bit of music, get breakfast on the table. It means I'm up at 6.00 but that hour is an absolute lifesaver. Time to gather my thoughts and plan the day.

In terms of boundaries, I'd always advocate picking your battles - clear boundaries around things like behaviour towards each other, school attendance etc but don't sweat the small stuff otherwise you'll feel like you're constantly on at them and that's not good for any relationship. What kind of thing do you feel they aren't listening to, what is it that feels out of control. If you give examples we might be able to help with more concrete suggestions.

There have been a few occasions when I have shouted and DD was so terrified she ran out of the house (domestic violence is part of her early life). I am not proud of doing it - quite the opposite - but the reality is the most important thing is to consistently get it right 95% of the time and allow yourself some minor mistakes.

Shouting occasionally is a minor mistake. You are ill, parenting on your own, and a valuable item was destroyed. We all have a limit to our endurance. Be kind to yourself, and repair with your DCs. It is also important to model making a mistake and then doing what you can to put it right!

Also, can anyone else step up while DP is away? So you have some support, practically and/or emotionally?