Reasons to adopt

[future1]

Hi, apologies in advance if I word anything clumsily or insensitively. I have had recurrent miscarriages and ivf for years and it’s become apparent I can’t carry to term. Though I am more desperate than ever to be a mother and have a family.

Growing up I knew a lot of people who were adopted and they thrived every bit as much as children who grew up with their biological families (and they still are thriving as adults). I know modern day adoption is different and most children will be coming from backgrounds of trauma or neglect and it’s very different to raising a birth child. But the overwhelming narrative seems to be that it’s hard and bleak. I feel as though I’ve read far more negative stories than positive ones, though I know people don’t tend to share when things are going well.

I know every situation is different and every child is different but guess I’m trying to understand if, yes, it’s hard and can be bleak but is it also joyous and worth the tough times to be a parent?

Also, did you adopt after infertility or was it something you always wanted to do for a child?

Good for you. But you are kidding yourself if you think that there isn't any trauma. He just won't feel able to talk to you about it.

@future1 I have a birth child, nearly 18 and an adopted son aged 12. I think parenting is very hard and both my children have presented with some issues. My birth child has presented lots of issues, and health problems.

I do think parenting is worth it, it has brilliant times, and it has very hard times too.

I hope you will feel able to ask questions and decide what is best for you. Before becoming a parent you have that luxury of thinking of yourself. Once you are a parent, however you become a parent, you need to prioritize the needs of the child/children. Which sounds easy but is not.

What does 'Adoption may destroy our lives mean ?'. I'm not actually asking you to answer OP.

Adopters often: find they have to go part time or leave their job; their carefully mapped out Support Network in Assessment bears little reality to what happens- my friends all disappeared and my family... well I barely see them; it took nearly two years for AS6 & I to spend ONE night away from home; my house is covered in scribbles; house is a constant tip and food hidden everywhere; dealing with Social Workers and school as well as the emotional toll of therapuetic parenting can be a full time job incredibly emotionally draining. And being hit, kicked, bitten, hours of Meltdowns etc is experienced in about 2/3 of our families. And oooh I am already trying to prepare for the teenage years....

All the above is the reality for many of us. Is this our lives having been destroyed ?? If anyone thinks yes then Adoption is not for them.

Adoption is a huge huge huge gamble/leap of faith. Adopters need to go into Adoption with their eyes wide open.

My son has many many challenging behaviours. My life has changed beyond recognition in the nearly two years since he came home. But it certainly hasn't been destroyed... it has been enriched beyond my wildest dreams.

My son hates that he has been separated from his birth parents and siblings. He is not grateful. He asks and asks and asks questions.

Adoption is not about saving a child, brushing things under the carpet. Adoption is all about the child, all about listening to them and changing your life to meet their Needs. We may be their Adoptive family, but we will never ever replace or trump birth family. We are Guardians of the child and need to support their decisions. If they decide to find birth family and become heavily involved in their lives that is their right. We can only offer advice and ensure we have fully prepared them by telling them their complete life story before the teenage years.

Our children or not our property... they follow their own path.

Lastly any Adopter who thinks that their child has no issues and no trauma is incredibly mistaken. Our kids are full of them and only show them when they feel safe enough.

I have come across hundreds of families who adopted children as babies, toddlers. And the 'normal' child changes big time after starting school or during puberty.

I am far far more concerned about children who aren't outwardly displaying issues/trauma then children like my son who felt safe enough from Day 1 to let everything out. All the years of bottling everything up and working sooooo hard to look normal and good results in everything coming tumbling out.

Every family is unique but every child is full of trauma, Attachment and other adoption related issues... its whether the child shows them or not.

@Chocapple that's a great post. Thanks for being so open.

@Chocapple oh my goodness you have been in our house haven't you! Everything you have said is us!

@Chocapple thanks for this, in particular:

"I am far far more concerned about children who aren't outwardly displaying issues/trauma then children like my son who felt safe enough from Day 1 to let everything out. All the years of bottling everything up and working sooooo hard to look normal and good results in everything coming tumbling out."

This is what adopters often can't or won't acknowledge. I take no pleasure in ranting on here, nor do I mean to hurt anyone, I'm trying to explain the truth.

I don't think it is helpful to create a hiearchy between children who internalise and those who externalise problems. Plus, those categories are less neat than they seem. It is possible to do both.

@BastardChild , speaking for myself, I do always tell the truth. My truth is that my DD1 is blind now, having lost her sight unexpectedly at the age of 11, because her birth mother used heroin and methadone, along with alcohol while pregnant. DD has also just been diagnosed with ADHD and autism and she has NO friends so she binge eats for comfort. And then steals to binge eat. Then, when the stealing is discovered, her deep-seated trauma and shame causes her to erupt in ferocious anger and violence. My DD hurts me - physically and emotionally and mentally - and only police in op has stopped her seriously harming her six-year-old sister.

My DD is RAGING at her birth mother for costing her her sight. DD walks with a white cane and is ostracised by her peers at school for her disability and her difference. I am terrified for my DD’s mental health as there is a substantial history of significant psychiatric issues in her maternal and paternal birth families. We’re talking generations. Every time she self harms, I worry about potential cuts to veins or arteries.

This is not a new tale to anyone who reads here regularly.

So, in short, life is not perfect for DD or I or our extremely flawed little family. But there is love and hope.

And I would never dream of squashing anyone else’s dreams of that happy-ever-after family, particularly as current research shows that only one-third of adoptive families experience significant issues. In the same way, I would never dream of bursting the bubble of anyone announcing their upcoming nuptials by reminding them of modern divorce statistics. Everyone hopes they will be the lucky ones. Of course babies and children who have been severed from their birth families in the most primal of wounds are not going to be unscathed. But how, when and where they will show their scars is so individual and is dependent on so many factors, including innate resilience.

The truth is out there, but, as an experienced adopter, it’s not my place to beat people over the head with a reality stick. I do feel obligated to pay forward the extreme kindnesses and wisdom I’ve been offered over the years by other adopters. I will post here to try to help people and not hurt them.

Who knows, in a different adoptive family, my DD’s experiences may have been happier. But I can absolutely guarantee that she would never have anyone battle for her to help her overcome the severe injustices she has been dealt from before she was born.

@EmmatheStageRat

So very sorry to hear of your dd's current situation.

I hope things will improve for her.

We have had some very difficult times with one of our children and about a year ago things seemed really hopeless, but things have changed and are so much better now.

I really hope things will get better for your dd and you.

@Italiangreyhound , thanks so much for the good wishes, it means a lot. Yes, I’m just about holding on to the end of the rope and hoping that DD doesn’t lose her fragile grip on her end. As I say, it’s just love and hope.

Following on from my previous post.... nearly two years after Placement the child to parent violence is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy better. I have achieved that and kept my health by giving up work and focussing on the things that we can do, and focussing on the people that DO get it. And getting lots of professional involvement. The online and in person Adoption/SEND community is absolutely amazing. The support is out of this world.

My little boys life and my life are very different to 'normal' families but we are soooooo happy. Yep there's food hidden everywhere and walls covered in scribbles, very controlling behaviours, .... but I just keep cleaning the mess up and utilising PACE and developing my skills to help him. And yes there's a lot of child to parent violence, but I have been working on building our Attachment and we are both using lots of strategies. It really is working.

In our case LOVE, my little boy feeling SAFE, routine and boundaries are making a massive difference. He has massive Sensory issues, poss ADHD/AUTISM too. But I have transformed my parenting and my whole general outlook to help him. My house and garden are full of toys, games, books to help him.

Yes Adoption can be hard, hard, hard but my son and I are very happy and my resilience and determination have seen us come out of the other side.

He was absolutely petrified from moving to another family and regressed massively... now he is far less so. We are 100% a team and he's not going anywhere. I now know that when he has an incredibly tricky period... it will start at a certain time period and end a couple of weeks later. And that the huge regression will be for that time period.

My son and I are firmly in the second group. The third that have challenges but they are manageable.

Absolutely about one third of adoptive families go through live leading a pretty much normal life. That is absolutely fantastic. I am so pleased to hear this.

But... we as Adopters do have to go into this understanding that Adoption is a huge leap of faith and that lots of things can arise. And that the Assessment training doesn't scratch the surface. And that many many Adopters have issues, problems with school and trying to get therapuetic help.

If I hadn't done everything I have in terms of changing how I do things, including changing my little boys school, not putting him in social situations he cant cope with and giving up work I would not still have my little boy. The Professionals and people we know are in absolute absolute awe at how much my little boy has progressed.

We are a SUCCESS STORY. Absolutely.

I have spoken to so many Adopters with similar lives. What comes out in spades is that yes things are very hard, but the good times are plentiful. We would never be without our children. We feel so blessed to have them.

Anybody.... just speak to/read about lots of different families. Look on all the internet groups. Adoption is wonderful but it can be incredibly hard.

There are Adoptive families who are in crisis... about 1/3 of Adoptive families. Included hours of dysregulation every day, no school for the child, people being hurt. House being trashed. There's no point thinking this wont happen to me... it could do. We were there, but I have turned it around... giving up work saved us.

I don't know what the future holds for my little boy but he is absolutely thriving with all my love, time, determination and changing my life. I have certainly needed to very carefully choose my battles at home and when dealing with Professionals and school.

He needed LOVE, significant therapuetic parenting and to FEEL SAFE in order to progress. We can not minimise what many of our children have been through.

I wish you the very best in your Adoption Journey OP and anyone else. Us Adopters are here for you on this platform, facebook groups and elsewhere.

Xx

We adopted because we desperatly wanted to have children and weren't able to have one any in the usual way.
I wouldn't change a thing

@abc121 Just reading this thread now as I'm information gathering about potential adoption - early days yet.

When you said "it requires a totally different way of parenting" I was interested to know more about your views on that. Or anyone else still reading this thread. Not sure if you have other non-adopted DC @abc121 and if you meant compared to how you parent that DC... Obviously you are dealing with extreme needs, special needs and trauma. But what would you say are the main lessons here in approaches to parenting?

Thank you

Hi @ScummyMummySE1

If you look into theraputic parenting and the PACE model you can get a good idea of what adoptive parenting is about.

You are looking at behaviour being a child's way of communicating. Most adoptive children will be emotionally much younger than their chronological age, so need to parent to the emotional age. My son is 18, bigger than me, has a job and is learning to drive, sometimes I still need to comfort him like I would a toddler.
Complete opposite to the Supernanny school of thought. Time in, not time out, no naughty steps. Sticker charts to reward good behaviour don't work.
I learnt very quickly that punishment does not work. Think in terms of 'can't do' not 'won't do and supporting children in small steps. Don't flog a dead horse - trivial example - my son still can't tie a shoelace -the tears and frustration were not worth it - there are other ways to wear shoes.
Hopefully that gives you something to go on
Good luck

@Ted27 thank you for your response. Since being a parent to a preschooler I've parented more along those lines I think (without knowledge of therapeutic parenting) - not saying in any way I'm doing that per se, but more along that end of the spectrum than supernanny. Before having DC I used to watch supernanny and think it all looked sensible, naughty step a good idea etc. but when I had a DC I changed my view, as it seemed so shaming. I had a traumatic childhood (my parents hit me or used silent treatment as punishment) and I felt like the supernanny style stuff had too much shame involved. I also read things like Why Love Matters and do a lot of validating feelings (which gets a bad press on Mumsnet generally).

Anyway, that is helpful to know, thank you.

@ScummyMummySE1

Yes, not shaming children is key, sounds like you are well on the right track