Reading about Sexual abuse and adoption

[Lwren]

So I've been reading about sexual abuse after rewatching a few documentaries and it's come up a few times that social workers are advised to not mention this as it can stop an interest from potential adopters.
Is this true?
If so I think thats so fucking heart wrenching, on so many levels.
But these poor kids. I'll be honest, I almost expect with the figures of abused children rising yearly that many will have suffered SA.
Anyway I hope nobody minds me asking or I've not triggered anyone, it's just something I've read a few times now and wanted to understand.

Hi @Lwren

what is it that you want to understand about sexual abuse?

what is it that particularly interests you about this subject ?

Hiya @0live
I suppose its really what happens if the parents who adopt a child aren't aware. Surely there must be presenting behaviours later into childhood or even physical damage?
A lovely person messaged me and explained that it can be very difficult to prove.
I think I've fallen down a rabbit hole of all the kinds of abuse and it's just made me feel super upset. For the kids, for the SWs having to navigate things. I think I was very naive about how common sexual abuse was for children until I started reading.
The thing I'm focusing on is that these children go to wonderful people who will parent therapeutically etc, but regardless, it's just heart wrenching x

Social workers cannot tell prospective adopters anything they don't know or don't have proof of. That includes sexual abuse, but also mental health conditions that run in the birth family, the child's in utero experiences, details of all the forms of neglect and abuse that a child has experienced, etc. In adoption, there are many unknowns.

You might want to have a look at this book: blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/Adopting-or-Fostering-a-Sexually-Abused-Child-by-Catherine-MacAskill-British-Agencies-for-Adoption-and-Fostering/9780713467604

Are you interested in adopting OP?

Sorry, I’ve just recognised your username, I think I remember your circumstances.

SW neglected to tell me even though I asked. Then I managed to read case conference notes and there it was in black and white. I hate that they lied but it meant I got an adoption allowance out of placing authority to fund help for her. I would have still took her

There are a number of things at play here.
Firstly, as Yolande7 says, social workers can only tell you what they know. A baby can’t tell you what’s happened to them, very young children may not know what is going on.
I don’t think its uncommon for children to disclose information when they start to feel safe to do so ie after adoption, or when they are a bit older and start to realise what happened to them. Some children may behave or play inappropriately as they are acting out those memories or just don’t understand that its wrong.

That being said, its also not unknown for SWs not to provide all the information. In our case I got hold of some reports several months after placement. For me, if I’d had that information before it wouldnt have stopped me going ahead. But it would have made life a heck of a lot easier if I’d known.

I found myself in pieces reading some stories. SA wouldn't stop me wanting to take in a child, it would make me question my capabilities though and what provisions we'd need in place for behaviours etc. I just think on the whole if reading into children in care the entire thing is a bloody underfunded mess. I'm sure you've all seen it but during an episode of "protecting our children" a social worker really makes a wonderful point about how unprotected they are professionally, as opposed to other public services. The whole thing makes me rage. Why the shitting shit do social workers have such huge case loads? I've worked in care on skeleton crews for years and whilst that's really bad practise, it's just not as harrowing as SW caseloads.
Not sure if anyone remebers Annie from protecting our children? She made me want to bloody protect her.
She was so kind and hopeful, still makes me sad to think of her.
I know it's hard to tell if kids have been SA. I think I'll always keep in mind these children have been in vulnerable positions and there are sadly predators everywhere, and to not be shocked if anything presents.

I hope you don't mind me posting and asking, even if this is something I maybe consider long term etc, it's just the most useful place online for these things x

I found myself in pieces reading some stories. SA wouldn't stop me wanting to take in a child, it would make me question my capabilities though and what provisions we'd need in place for behaviours etc

Almost every child who is placed for adoption has been neglected ( unless they are a concurrent placement of a baby straight from hospital or foster care ) and they have all suffered trauma and loss.

Some will also have been abused in different ways and in different settings.

Some will have been exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero.

Many will also have learning difficulties, developmental delays and a strong family history of serious mental illness.

Placing social workers often don’t know the nature and extent of everything that has happened. They very often don’t know anything about the father, let alone his family. That’s just how it is - many of these children have had very chaotic lives. It’s part of the reason they are in the care system.

So is highly likely that you won’t know all ( or even most ) of the bad things that have happened to the child who will become yours. If you are going to adopt you need to come to terms with this I’m afraid.

That’s why you have to parent them very differently, which will include various types of safe parenting . You will have to assume that they have various issues and act accordingly, until you are very very sure that it’s not a problem. Which may take years.

You can’t assume that your child won’t remember or won’t be affected by what they have live through.

I understand that you find sexual abuse particularly distressing @Lwren , I think most people do. But the reality is that children are often more damaged by serious and long term neglect and by multiple moves that by abuse.

Thats not to minimise it in any way at all, please understand. It’s all horrific. it’s just it’s not a continuum with neglect as minor and abuse as major. Personally I’d be more worried about adopting a child with profound early neglect with no one to attach to.

Generally speaking as a social worker you know about stuff that families can’t hide any longer (significant neglect, physical abuse, substance misuse) or things they want you to see for whatever reason (family conflict, inadequate housing). Sexual abuse is one of those things that unless someone tells you don’t know it’s happening. You can strongly suspect but may never know until the child is older, sometimes well into adulthood.

Many people do not want to parent children who have been sexually abused, for many complex reasons - not least because having that conversation with your child is very very difficult, and the impact on the child can be very tricky to deal with. I’d rather people be honest with themselves about what they can deal with than take on something as sensitive as sexual abuse and inadvertently cause more harm than good.

Thank you very much for your replies and messages!
It is massively appreciated. 💐💐💐💐
I've got experience with working with sexually abused children however they're older, from 6 upward. Not in care though, which makes all the difference.
I cant imagine any part of parenting a child with trauma is easy, and as 0live pointed out the issues around attachment are the most difficult to parent and I need to keep that in mind.
I've read the books such as primal wound etc and I've read alot about in utero and substance abuse.
I'd never ever take on more than our family could handle, thats just cruel on everyone, although I understand why you would. Saying no must make you feel like a bag of rats. But yeah, all around the more i read, the more I'm just fucking livid with the lack of funding for social workers!
Kids just get it so wildly fucking shite if they're not born into families who can effectively parent. Of course they then go on to have wonderful families through adoption but sadly, that's not all of them.
I think I started looking at adoption because I wanted more children and now I'm looking at it just hopeful one day we could be a brilliant family for the right child. Its definitely made my wants alot less selfish and I'm grateful to the people on here who've engaged with me and given me your support and wisdom.

The thing with adoption is no matter what happens, when a child was removed or the circumstances a child found themselves in (through no fault of their own), they will suffer trauma and attachment issues (because the nature of adoption causes trauma). How that manifests itself, nobody knows and often not until years down the line. It is so individual too that no one can predict the outcomes. Also, because of the care system, only a fraction of what happened is known so that adds to the risk. It is a huge risk for the child matching with a family, how can anyone predict if the child’s needs, throughout their childhood, will be met if only their current needs are known? It is a leap of faith for the family and social work.

I can say that if social workers are aware of sexual abuse then yes they most certainly do disclose this. They have to, to ensure that the family they are placed with can offer them the right support throughout the child’s life. They need to ensure that the adoptive parents and child are right for one another and this can’t happen if they aren’t truthful about the child’s history. Having said that, they can only tell people what they know to be factual they aren’t unable to speculate and they always tell adopters that they can never tell you 100% what exactly happened within a household as no one ever knows in the full details of abuse except the abusers.

I’m afraid you can’t ever rule it out. As @Jellycatspyjamas says, SW often don’t know anything like the full history. Most children come from chaotic families and children have often been left with a large number of adults over their short lives.

I have personally seen a very young child in foster care act out sexual abuse . When it was reported to the child’s SW by the FC , they simply replied that there was no known history. So that information would no doubt NOT have been passed on to the adopters.

If the Fc had told the prospective adopters, they would have been in serious trouble with SS as it might have disrupted the care plan.

So the first time the adopters would have known anything would have been when they saw the child acting in that way. Or maybe they would have dismissed it, given the very young age of the child.

It also used to be common to tell adopters that “ Child is displaying x behaviour in foster care but we are sure that it will stop when they are in a permanent placement “. Whereas there’s not a lot of evidence that this is the case.

But of course adopters are optimists by nature and they really REALLY want to believe that love will fix it.

I understand how you become so consumed with wanting a child and almost wanting to block out the negatives and as you say hope love fixes it, but it doesn't work like that, sadly.

The original agency we went to made it clear they felt adoptions weren't going to work once a child was older than 3. The agency I've gone to only really place older children.

The adoption world is a headfuck isn't it 🙆‍♀️

Sadly yes, it is a headfuck 🙁

Take a look at some agencies. Our agency wouldn’t place children past 7 and we were lucky enough that our son moved in when he was two. He was removed quite young and I do think it has made our adoption “easier” compared to some experiences we are watching fellow adopters go through.

if you’re not comfortable with what your agencies are telling you (e.g. placing old children) and if you think it could impact you finding that perfect fit, look at other agencies.

Adoption is a life long commitment as you know, so you want to make sure you’ve got he opportunity to an adopt a child that is the right fit for you and your family.