Don't know how to carry on / what to do

[Gafan]

Hi
I'm hoping that some of you can give me some tips ideas but mainly support. So my AS who is nearly 7 been with us 4 years and we have always had some kind of issue but it really esculated last April with really bad anger outbursts, epic meltdown and the worse bedtime imaginable. We asked for help we got a SW from post adoption, his school have been brilliant he has therapy weekly, he has sensory time, he is due an assessment in October for sensory issues. But we are getting nowhere, I'm at the end of my tether, I am so depressed it's unreal have had antidepressants increased twice to no effect, I'm really struggling with my marriage as we are not agreeing on certain things,
I have referred myself for counseling,I have insomnia and I just don't know what to do. I'm doing everything everyone is asking me to do with regards to how to parent him, I have rung everyone I can think of for ideas and advice and it's getting us nowhere.
We are a miserable family of 3 who are broken and I don't know how to fix it.
Thanks for reading.

@Gafan I am so sorry to read this.

I think there are a few things you could try and these might help to make the situation a bit better. However, I am sure you have been doing your best and you really need to remember you are doing your best, you are a good mum. XXXXX

What is your social worker doing? Are they coming up with ideas or strategies, or are they just listening to you, or are they not even doing that?

If they are not helping the situation in positive ways, they need to be asked to step up, very politely and to find something that will help.

"...is nearly 7 been with us 4 years..."

Our adopted son came to us at three. Around age 6 (so after about three years) we had Theraplay.

www.wp.theraplay.org/uk/

Theraplay is not just for your child, it is for you as well. Together you grow a better bond. My son was quite difficult. Meltdowns most days, very hot and bothered at times. I felt that Theraplay reduced this by about 50%.

I think it would also be helpful to see if you and your husband can get on the same page together.

I am really sorry you are depressed and can totally understand why. Do you work? Do you have any free time? Please make some time for something you can do on your own, and/or with your husband or friends. Swimming. Exercise, whatever works for you.

I really hope things will get better.

@Gafan , I’m sorry that things are so hard for you currently. I don’t have much time to post so I will ponder and return later, if that’s okay? I didn’t want to read and run and I want you to know that we care.

In the minutes I have available, I would strongly suggest that you read up on blocked care and secondary trauma, because these states are resonating strongly from your OP. Unchecked, these can become a horrible cycle of misery; your unhappy so your child picks up on that and acts out more (our children are highly tuned emotional weather vanes); then, the more your child acts up, the more unhappy you become.

Also, please do not rule out conditions like ADHD and ASC - there are incredibly high heritability factors for these conditions which can go undiagnosed in birth parents. Honestly, not everything is attachment related (bitter voice of experience here as my DD1 has only just been diagnosed with ADHD and autism at nearly 15, despite years of me ‘knowing’ that something was ‘wrong’, beyond the attachment and trauma-related isssues.

I hope the sun is shining as beautifully in your part of the world as it is here today. Please, do one act of small kindness for you.

Parenting traumatised kids is incredibly difficult and can have a huge impact on mental health. Could you have blocked care as @EmmatheStageRat suggests? It’s not about portioning blame but trying to recognise the situation. Are you now responding to your son’s behaviour from a place of stress (thinking Bruce Perry’s work)? I am so traumatised from the aggression from my son that I find myself going into flight mode or dissociating that I have had to learn to overcome (or at least recognise this) and to get his dad to take over. For me, it’s completely brain stem response. This may be why anti depressants don’t work for you because you are not depressed but your body is responding to the stressful situation. I am not a clinician but an ordinary parent sharing my own experiences. It sounds like you have a lot of support for your son but what is happening for you and your partner? Do you have therapeutic support? You and your partner are key to supporting your son overcome trauma.

Hi All
Thanks for your responses and I appreciate the time taken to write.
I have looked at blocked care today and yes it does sound like it so I'm going to explore in more detail.

Myself and husband are not getting much support because our child is in our bed too we have been sleeping seperately for 18 months so not getting any time together, we had 2 night last month which was first time in 4 years we had off but working so did not do much.

The word autistic has been banded about by family, and teacher mentioned some of those traits but both SW are of the mind that it's the same traits as attachment disorder but again waiting on a referral for this. I have a niece with Asperger's and a friend with 2 autistic children and there are similarities but only like o.c.d but I don't know enough about it.
I think the main issue is the continuous explosions of temper over every little thing and the response from him is the same whether it be something little or big , I get frustrated that he's having play therapy but won't engage in the things he's been asked to do to help combat the anger .

Thanks

Hi gafan,

Sending hugs, that all sounds incredibly difficult. Conditions such as ADHD, ODD, ASD, FASD, PDA, Sensory processing disorders, specific learning difficulties such as dyslexia etc ALL give rise to the SAME type of behavioural symptoms as attachment/trauma. Lots of these conditions, as mentioned above have a genetic element and so birth parents are likely to have had these conditions but undiagnosed which explains why they were unable to put the needs of their children before themselves and why they lead such chaotic lives. Consequently, a high number of adopted children have such conditions as well as attachment difficulties. Also if you are diagnosed with one condition there is a strong likelihood that there will also be other comorbid conditions. My AD has ADHD, ODD, dyslexia, dyspraxia and ASD as well as attachment problems.

Many professionals as soon as they hear the word "adoption" automatically put all behavioural problems down to that without considering genetic conditions.

It seems to me that as you son came to you at age three he will obviously have attachment difficulties but he is also likely to have other stuff in the mix too. So have a look at ADHD and also ODD - which is opposition defiant disorder - my daughter has both and in particular the ODD gives rise to severe defiance and massive tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. It also results in complete refusal to do anything asked, deliberately annoying behaviour, failure to take any responsibility for their own actions - it is always some one else's fault, defiance against those in positions of authority etc. The good thing is ADHD/ODD responds well to medication. My AD was diagnosed at age 6 and we started on medication straight away and it has been a godsend.

So my advice would be to do the following:

1. Go and see your GP and ask for referrals for ADHD and ASD. If you can afford to go private then do - if you can only afford one then go for ADHD dx as this will give you access to the medication which will relieve some of the stress at home. Also ask for referrals for any other condition that you think may be in the mix.- so do some research and see what matches your son.

1. Apply for DLA - this is not dependent on your income and you do not need any formal diagnoses to apply. The money you can then use to help pay for any private diagnoses or for respite or therapy for your son. You can also apply for carers allowance although this does depend on your income.

1. Apply for EHCP if you haven't already. You can do this yourself (I did), or can get school to do it. If you have any formal diagnoses it will make it easier to get the plan so just bear that in mind.

Remember, if there is other stuff in the mix then all the therapy in the world will not make any difference to your son's behaviour until the underlying conditions are addressed.

I know exactly what you are going through as I have gone through it all myself. The years prior to dx where particularly awful but whilst my AD's behaviour is still very challenging, it is a lot better than it used to be. So there is hope.

Best wishes xxx

@Cheekychop , I take my hat off to you. Brilliant advice! I’m so pleased that the message is now getting through to adopters that not everything is because attachment.

@Gafan , just to illustrate what @Cheekychop is saying, my DD1 is registered blind and also diagnosed with ADHD, ASC with a PDA profile, neo-natal abstinence syndrome and binge eating disorder. Due to her extreme difficulties, DD1 is currently a Child in Need plan (I called in the big guns at children’s social services when I reached the literal end of my rope). So the meetings go like this:

• DD’s school thinks it is DD’s ‘safe place’ 🙄 In truth, DD keeps it together at school because she is terrified and then ERUPTS at home
• the psychotherapist parachuted in by school when DD’s grades started to slip, focuses entirely on the autism as that is her specialism and her three teenaged children are autistic
• the specialist visual impairment teacher (who is utterly fabulous) champions her VI perspective
• the absolutely bloody brilliant mental health practitioner who is winging it on the eating disorder front because CAMHS locally are only funded for young people with anorexia, is looking at everything through the prism of positive mental well-being
• the locality team social workers are massively out of their depth and don’t listen to anything I have to say because I am a parent and not a school or A.N Other professional
• if anyone from the regional adoption agency bothered to show up to any meetings, then, without projecting too much, I feel their perspective would be developmental trauma and attachment

In the middle of all of these professionals, who don’t live with my DD1 24/7, I sometimes dream of drawing the biggest, most fuck-off Venn diagram which shows the overlap between all of the issues and conditions outlined above.

In short, @Cheekychop has it spot on.

As an adoptive parent, you’ve done the extensive training and the exhaustive research, and if the alarm bells are ringing, then, please, trust your judgment. Please don’t be fobbed off; just because an adopted child has attachment or trauma-related difficulties, it’s not to say that they don’t have ASC or ADHD. Given the extremely high heritability factors of conditions such as ASC and ADHD, it would be brilliant if we could have full and detailed health histories of our children’s birth parents, but in most cases, we don’t so life becomes a laborious task of identifying and fitting the missing jigsaw pieces.

In case this is TLDR, my biggest piece of advice is to reject the lazy and short-sighted perspective of ‘attachment, attachment, attachment’. And then do what @Cheekychop said!

Hi

Thanks so much for advice! I do agree totally with the fact everything's put down to attachment disorder without even considering the genetics.
We have quite a detailed background of birth family but as we know we never get the whole truth.
He has had no formal assessment for autism, ADHD or similar but I think because he's not consistent in some factors the expert argument is if he had ADHD , autism he would not be able to control at school and in different settings.
He does really well at school very popular, girls love him! No issues with any academia he's not fallen behind at all, and hitting all the markers for his age.
He seems to be sensory triggered but we find it so difficult as you can have the same routine over and over but one day or one night or several has an awful reaction and we don't know what triggered it, we have been keeping a diary and looked back and still can't see any difference on the bedtimes where he is not good.
The G.P made a referral to provide for a padeatrician and also ADHD autistic assessment but they are awaiting on school report which has been done so I'm forever chasing department it's bloody exhausting!

Thanks

@Gafan , I’m glad that things are progressing on the assessment front. Just to add, my DD1 is at a super-selective grammar school, having passed the 11+, and she is predicted high grades in 10 GCSEs. Our children can present very differently at school to home as we are their safe bases where they can ‘leak’ the build-up of toxic emotions that they contain throughout their stressful days.

Hi gafan,

Yes glad things are progressing but do take what school says with a pinch of salt. As your child is a boy a lot of the hyperactivity and dangerous behaviour (no fear of danger) that you get with ADHD can be put down to "normal boy behaviour" by school. Also the form used for diagnosing ADHD is very detailed and often when school has to fill it in it can be an eye opener!! With my daughter once she was diagnosed with ADHD and put on the Meds school would consistently tell me everything was now fine. However when they had to fill in this form for our checkups to see if meds at the right level it was clear that my daughter's behaviour was still far from good.

Also sensory processing problems can be associated with ASD and ASD is primarily a communication problem - so difficulties with understanding language, social interaction, understanding social cues, social rules, black and white thinking, very inflexible, literal thinking etc. The fact that the girls love your son sounds alarm bells to me because it suggests that he is not able to mix in with the boys because he is finding the "rules" to hard to deal with. The girls are more flexible and caring towards him because they probably see him not being treated very nicely by the boys. With my daughter it was the boys she used to play with - they were more tolerant of her hyperactivity and she was shunned by the girls as she found it difficult to "fit in" with them. Also the masking that ASD children have to do during the day results in very high anxiety levels which as Emma says above results in that anxiety being dropped on the parents at home. This results in massive meltdowns/tantrums which can be sparked by the slightest thing such as a sibling using one of their pencils!!. I found that the ASD caused my daughter more of a problem as she got older as communication becomes more complex.

Also in terms of ADHD also bear in mind that a child who is enjoying what he is doing can concentrate on it. It is only when they have to do things that they don't enjoy or don't want to do that difficulties arise. So if your son enjoys school subjects and is able to concentrate on them it doesn't mean that he doesn't have ADHD. So please do keep an open mind.

I also find at home that I walk on egg shells with my daughter and the only way I can keep a lid on things and stop escalation of behaviour is to put no demands on my daughter at all. In fact she spends every evening playing on her iPad and I let her as it helps to keep her quiet - not ideal I know but sometimes you have to do whatever you have to do to make home life bearable for everyone.

Best wishes xxxx

Just to add , ADHD is caused by the brain waves in the frontal lobes being too slow. The stimulant medication speeds up these brain waves so that the child can control their behaviour and calm down. This can be measured with an ECG and so ADHD can be very quickly ruled in or out. My daughter had this done.
Have a Google of Lanc - learning assessment and neurocare centre. Lots of really good information there. In fact we are with them.

Xx

just wanted to drop in to say my adult son has Aspergers and he always tried to.control it at school which took every bit of strength he had.
Consequenhlh when he got home he lost it completely and we bore the brunt so they absolutely can act differently in different environments.

We got the same message and it only made me feel an even worse failure of a parent. So ignore that rubbish.
And hope you get the help you all need soon xxx

Cant add much to the great advice given other than to join these great Facebook groups if u can:
Therapeutic Parenting UK
Attachment Disorder UK

@Gafan , I forgot that I had this in my toolkit of adoption resources.

www.adoptionuk.org/Handlers/Download.ashx?IDMF=a0716175-af90-417b-819e-3ec8b4b76016

And I recently posted this resource on the ‘secondary school transfer thread as it is a brilliant guide for educators as to why our children behave in the ways they do. Maybe you could share this with your child’s school?

tessani.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/LetsLearnTogetherNI-locked.pdf

Hi
Thanks for the great advice! We have been issued a new S/W who is going to offer weekly support and I have also found a therapist that has a great knowledge of working with parents with foster adopted children that was recommended through a friend so I'm hoping talking to her will help me.
I will look at all the resources everyone has sent too.
I'm also trying to not get overwhelmed and went out for lunch with hubby and best friend for dinner which I have been putting off but it was nice and I needed that too.
Hopefully going forward we will improve lots of work to do still but I'm trying to stay positive and look after myself so I can look after him.

Thanks xx

@Gafan how are things going?

Hi

Thanks for asking @Italiangreyhound so things are better. We got assigned a new SW and she seems nice enough and more available to us.
My little boy has kind of turned a corner with therapist and she's really pleased, still having outbursts but are less frequent and he's coming out of it alot quicker he seems to have grasped some concepts of there having a different alternative to full meltdown.
We did get a dog it was planned for ages and it has been really well received he's very good therapy for my little boy so that has helped massively.
I also have a counsellor and work and life has calmed down so I'm dealing with things better.
Some days i think we will do it and there are more good than bad but it's still very hard.
Hope all and everyone is well x