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Original poster

Back in care

31 replies

Pollylong · 04/09/2022 10:53

Hi, don’t know what I’m looking for, really, to rant mostly I think, and some lovely sympathy.

I posted about 5 months ago about a foster to adopt/early permanence placement, where reunification took place after nearly 19 months.

the basis of mine and dh recovery was built on the foundation that it was the right thing for LO and therefore every painful moment of the process was in the best interest of LO, and we loved them SO much we would manage any personal pain for her.

a sledgehammer has been smashed straight in the middle of the notion that reunification was the best thing to do, as LO has been taken into care. No one wanted them to succeed more than we did, and now we are angry and anxious and broken, all over again. And I’m not sure how we pick ourselves back up again? SS have said they will pay to get our therapist back and that will help, but I don’t know how we rebuild the foundations this time?

anyone else been through this? X

OP posts:
Lwren · 04/09/2022 15:47

Hiya polly, I've often thought about you.
I'm so sorry to see this.
Does this by any chance mean you could have LO returned to you? Sorry if this is an insensitive or inappropriate question.
Either way I'm really sorry and hope that someone can give you some help, I'm sure Ted or jellycat will be of use.
Big big love my friend ❤

Yolande7 · 04/09/2022 16:13

Oh my gosh, this is so sad for all of you and should have never happened. I am so very sorry. Wishing you strength and the outcome you hope for.

ScottishBeth · 04/09/2022 16:55

Oh my god, what a horrific situation. I am so sorry, this must be so difficult for you.

Original poster
Pollylong · 04/09/2022 17:53

We don’t know what ss are planning long term yet, we don’t know much at all, so it’s just second guessing and hoping at this
point. if the past few years have taught me anything it’s not to get my hopes up. I’m furious and sad, and anxious and worried for LO. She’s been through so much this year already, the reunification took place over a couple of months, big changes, big losses and now this, my heart is broken for her x

OP posts:
MrsMatty · 04/09/2022 20:01

I am so very sorry to hear your news. It is just terribly sad and wrong on all counts. I can only imagine your heartbreak for LO who has been through so much. Sending hugs xx

Choconut · 04/09/2022 20:45

So, so awful. And even more awful if she is moved on to yet another home. If SS have any sense at all then hopefully she will come back to you. You sound like a wonderful person, I hope she can come back to the people who she knows love her and can give her proper stability.

EG88 · 04/09/2022 22:16

I'm so sorry to read this. I often think of you. I hear your heart breaking on LOs behalf. Sending love x

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/09/2022 14:42

That’s awful, the poor soul. I remember your previous thread - in my head I know it’s always a gamble when children are returned after such a long time in care but you always hope it works out for the best.

I suppose the first question is whether you would want her back? Have you progressed any in terms of matching with other children since her placement and is your previous approval still valid? Do you have a safe space to talk through your feelings about your loss and her subsequent placement into care.

Id try to get hold of your social worker and find out what the plans are, they may or may not be working towards her being returned home again, most kids taken into care do return home though I’d hope in this case they’d make a quick decision re permanence. It’s awful for you all, take some time to settle and then see what you think would be right for you.

poppetandmog · 05/09/2022 16:42

I'm so sorry to hear this and hope it all works out for youFlowers

Noimaginationforaun · 05/09/2022 20:59

You’ve often been in my thoughts @Pollylong after reading your original post. This is just the most monumental fuck up from SS. You must be all over, never mind the little girl. I really hope SS act swiftly and in the actual best interests of LO!

rosiethefemaleone · 05/09/2022 22:48

I'm so sorry.

You can't control what social services do. They will do what they will do- if you're in a position to, you can make it clear you are willing to have her placed back with you. From my experience of social services, this (to everyone else the most compassionate and sensible thing for the child) may well not happen. Whatever happens, all the good you did can't be undone. The love she felt can't be removed. The start you gave her can't be taken away. You have been a good thing in her life, among a lot of shit by the sounds of it. Be kind to yourself, this isn't your doing.

Italiangreyhound · 06/09/2022 00:02

I am so sorry, that is heartbreaking.

I wish you all the best for whatever will happen next, for you and little one.

Lwren · 08/09/2022 10:56

@Pollylong just to ask how you're holding up, pol? Thinking of you and LO x

Original poster
Pollylong · 08/09/2022 18:08

Thank u for all your kind words. Details are slim, but we know that LO’s sw wants her removed, and doesn’t want her placed with any family members due to historic and current reasons. However another team assesses potential family members so that could change.

ss and guardian want a quick resolution they think it’s all gone on long enough, but they are anticipating a more long drawn out process with more assessments to take place, before the courts come to a decision.

it’s a waiting game now, understandable we cannot be given any information, and realistically won’t know anything new now until the final hearing. we are allowed the results of the final hearing, and our sw doesn’t think that that will take place until at least the new year. Ss funded therapy starts again tomorrow to help up process the stress and unknown.

it feels a little like a similar situation we were in a couple of years ago when our adopted LO had a biological sibling on the way, and we were told quite early in the pregnancy and had to wait 6 months for baby to be born for courts to decide (didn’t go our way that one) so we know the best way is to not let it dominate day to day life and leave it in the hands of the court.

Surprisingly knowing that we won’t know anything at all until at least the new year helps to bring a slight inner calm, we can and will hope and speculate amongst ourselves for the next few months, but we are not going to be on edge waiting for info as we know it’s not coming.

we are hoping that we will get to see her while she is in care, to provide her with
more familiarity, but as with most things these things take time to organise.

for now we just focus on me, dh and dd at home, and coping with her first week at school!! 😀

OP posts:
ScottishBeth · 08/09/2022 18:59

It sounds like you've got a really good perspective on it. And I hope the week at school goes well! And that you are able to have normal day to day things.

I'm sure it will still be difficult. Hope the therapy goes well.

Original poster
Pollylong · 10/04/2023 18:03

Update

placement order granted, we go to panel in a few weeks!! I’m excited, this is good news

but…….

im terrified!

am I good enough parent, to parent a child that has experienced the experiences she has had. Yes I’m already an experienced adoptive parent, but have never parented a child who has lived with bp and been exposed to the things she has been exposed to.

as an adoptive parent I think I am harder on myself when I get it wrong ( and I know we all get it wrong sometimes) but the challenge ahead, I’m scared I’ll get it wrong and let her down.

OP posts:
Christmasbahhumbug · 10/04/2023 19:00

Wow…I’m so glad for lo sake that they are coming back to you. I’m also a fta adopter so know a little about the process. No advice really, just to take one day at a time and take care of yourselves too xx

Chocapple · 10/04/2023 22:23

Bloody hell. Wow. Gosh LO has been through so much.

I am so glad that she's likely to come back to you. You have fought so hard for her.

The Trauma my AS7 has been through is huge . Significant Attachment issues, very clingy. BUT with me he is making progress and being with me is the best place for him - no doubt about it.

None of us know what the future holds, but I firmly believe that when significant events have happened it is meant to be that the child should be with the adoptive family.

Honestly I am so pleased and have everything crossed that she returns.

X

Ted27 · 10/04/2023 23:55

@Pollylong

wow what a turnaround!
Knowing her story will be a huge help to you.

Befor he was four, my son had two periods of foster care and lived in multiple locations with various family members. He then had 3 years with foster carers before coming to me.
He is 18 now and we can talk about the early days - we have admitted to each other that we were both terrified.

Its 11 years this week since I became his mum, we have had our ups and downs but we are a strong unit. Yes I’ve stuffed up at times, all parents do but we live to tell the tale.
I do believe in fate - it seems this little one was meant to be with you.
Good luck for the future as you rebuild your family.

Yolande7 · 11/04/2023 00:33

Wow, what amazing news! Thanks for the update!

You will be a fantastic mum to her. It won't be smooth sailing - it never is - but you have her best interest at heart, you have fought hard for her, you will continue to do so and she will know that.

She has had a very good start with you and (I think it was Bessel van der Kolk who said) studies show that children with a secure first year and trauma after that do much better than children who have a difficult first year and little trauma after that. So science is on your side. She is already familiar with you and your home and that will hopefully help her to settle in again, and you know her and can interpret her reactions, which will be helpful. Good luck!

Italiangreyhound · 15/04/2023 00:39

Pollylong thank you for the update - I wish you all the very best. XXXX

LoobyLobbyLou · 21/04/2023 19:40

Hope everything is going ok

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2023 12:09

How are things going?

@Pollylong I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
Pollylong · 24/05/2023 15:58

Hi sorry crazy times, lots to get ready. Panel approved us, even though it was a virtual panel ( much prefer non virtual panels!) there wasn’t a dry eye in the house by the end of it 🤣

transition starts tomorrow, can’t quite believe it, still expecting a last minute phone call with some nonsense reason for why it needs to be delayed, as this has been our experience during this case from the start

exciting (terrifying) times ahead

❤️

OP posts:
Ted27 · 24/05/2023 16:24

@Pollylong

that's great news, Congratulations !