AIBU - hospital letter

[Noimaginationforaun]

My LO needs minor surgery. We had the appointment earlier last month and have just received the letter of the write up of the appointment. In the letter we are referred to as ‘the adoptive parents’. AIBU to feel annoyed by this? I just wasn’t expecting the label in a non social work/court context!

For clarification: LO came home last year and adoption order was granted in December.

Is the condition he needs the surgery for a hereditary/genetic thing?? That's the only reasonable reason I can think of that would explain why they've referred to you as Adoptive parents.

Otherwise, yes I would be annoyed at that, you are just parents!! Hope your LO makes a good recovery x

That would upset me too, in all of my LO’s appointment letters it has just referred to me as X’s mum. Her teacher did ask me if she called me mum tho at which I was a bit bemused!

I hope your little one recovers soon after their surgery.

No it’s not a heredity or genetic thing. I’m just worried that when they do have the surgery we’ll be referred to as ‘adoptive parents’ or ‘adoptive mum’ ‘adoptive dad’ in front of them at the hospital. LO is only 3 and they do know the word adoption and can say they are adopted but they really don’t have a deep understanding of it! We are just mummy and daddy! Maybe I should ring the secretary on Monday and just have a quick chat? Not complain or anything just say in future we’d prefer to just be called parents?

It's fine to mention the fact that the child is adopted as this is important for medical professionals to know. If it was only mentioned once I might give the benefit of the doubt and assume it was just a way of working that information in naturally (though I still don't think it's good).

If it had already been mentioned in the letter (or happened again) I would certainly speak to the doctor in question (not the secretary) and explain why that's not appropriate.

You will have to do stuff like this sometimes, I'm afraid. I've even had to pull up an adoption social worker for asking whether my two kids are siblings. Just be very matter of fact and clear with the correct terminology. People just don't think about it carefully.

Yes I think a quick chat with the secretary would be a good idea, like you say not a complaint, just explain. I expect its just a case of people that have never been involved with adoption just not knowing what to say/making a mistake.

Have never been referred as adopted mum always just mum even with a genetic condition and multiple hospital appointment .I would mention it as could be outing and inappropriate questioning from .so would mention it

I had this, well a little worse one of my sons letters had “foster father” written in it, erm no, I’m his Dad. At the next appointment I asked the consultant who this mystery man was and what appointment he had attended.

The first few times you experience this sort of thing you’ll probably be overly polite, after that you’ll give zero shits and correct people much more confidently.

😀the result of DD's first CAMHS assessment was a 'didn't meet threshold' letter which referred to me (having noted DD is adopted) as the foster mother seven or eight times, the only reference to DD's birth mother referred to her as the 'mother' without qualification!

To make it even more insensitive, the letter was written as if addressed to DD (who is in her mid-teens, so in that in between stage where she is becoming more independent as a 'patient').

I sent a rather pi**ed off email pointing out their error. To be fair to the psych, they phoned me to apologise, which probably wasn't easy.

But yes, it matters a great deal to DD that I am her mother, not foster mother. Adoptive or 'second' mother, fine. The topic of her birth/first mother is something that we chat about quite easily. Being adopted is just part of everyday life.

I think it can be relevant.

Sometimes I get a bit fed up explaining that 'she's adopted and we don't know much medical background'. Whereas if they already know that they're adopted they might ask questions a bit differently.

Similarly if there is anything in notes about FASD, or previous neglect or whatever then knowing you aren't the parent who caused this is useful.

I agree with @UnderTheNameOfSanders , I’ve found that it’s helpful for consultants/ medical staff to have this information. You may not be aware of any birth family reaction to general anaesthetic, for example, so it is a flag for the operating room staff to be more aware rather than making assumptions about no allergies or reactions. Ditto re: conditions linked to drug or alcohol consumption.

Just to give the long view, as my elder adopted DD is nearly 15, but she is now registered blind, having lost the majority of her sight when she was 11, due to birth mother’s drug misuse while pregnant, it was helpful for DD’s consultant ophthalmologist to have the information that DD was adopted in her medical records because then she could work backwards and establish exactly why DD’s optical nerves were so damaged.

Honestly, and we obviously don’t have the full background information about why your child is undergoing surgery but I don’t really believe it’s a diminishing thing but a stating of facts that may be useful to other medical practitioners who may need to access your child’s file.

Thank you so much for all your perspectives!

In the end, I didn’t call anyone or say anything. I figured what people were saying about it may just be an (albeit clumsy) way of getting that information across quickly. We haven’t really had any medical needs apart from his pre adoption medical and things like a flu jab last year so it’s still all quite new to us explaining his history and trying to explain everything!

Thanks for all your input everyone - it really is so helpful getting other opinions from other adopters who are much further down the road and more knowledgeable than us!

I am pleased I have been referred to as his adoptive mother as my son sustained life changing disabilities due to the fact his mother took vast quantities of heroine and did not realise he was seriously ill with pneumococcal meningitis. Just another aspect, I did not want to appear to be responsible for his little life.