Adoption and Surrogacy Options as a single Male.

Richardbc · 2022-08-14T18:35:27+00:00

I am approaching my 40th Birthday and I do not have children yet. In my 20s I lacked confidence due to bad bulling in my late teens. I did go on a handful of dates in my 20s but nothing really progressed. It was only in my mid 30s I really started to find some confidence in the dating world and started to date women. I have had the odd short term relationship which did not work out or I am told I am an amazing guy, who is kind and generous but they see me as a friend. In the past couple of years I have really had a desire to have my own children, partly because I realise I am approaching 40 so I would be an older Father and also because I see so many happy families around me, most of my friends have children etc. Thing is as I said have still yet to find the right woman and I really want to have children as part of my life. I do date but have yet to find someone and most do not want children or have older children and do not want any more. I would be more than happy be with a partner with children, but being selfish I want my own children. Difficult when most women I would want to date are mid 30s plus. Also given that I am 40 and yet to meet the right lady, I am beginning to think I never will so want to think about children before its too late. I should also add I am a single child myself and I would be the last generation of my family if I don;t have children which really makes me sad. I am starting to think about adoption of surrogacy. As a single male what are people opinions on adoption either from the UK or abroad, I am worried about the stigma. I should say I am in a well paid job and my company has excellent family values and I have a good support network of friends and family (parents) around me. Surrogacy, is something I would love to do, but the cost of doing so seems very expensive and something I am not sure I could afford. Does anyone have any experience of surrogacy with egg donation and cost in UK? Also part of me thinks, giving an adopted child would be better as it would be giving someone a fresh start, Also finally if I was a single make parent who had adopted or surrogate child , what would your opinion be of being in a relationship with someone with a young child. Obviously dating would be off the cards for a few years while the child settles in etc.

staceygrapes · 14/08/2022 22:00

many people consider surrogacy as exploitation. Finding a surrogate can be hard becuase if you're in the UK its illegal to pay them other than expenses.

You sound like a great candidate for adoption. Single parents can adopt. I would be happy to date a man with an adopted child. I would find it attractive that he took on that responsibility himself

twoqueens · 14/08/2022 22:54

Same as above.
I find surrogacy absolutely immoral. (When you learn more about adoption and trauma you'll understand why).

Single people are encouraged to come forward to adopt in this country and as supposedly not discriminated against.
If you have good financials and a strong support network you are in a really good place to consider adoption.

Solomamma · 15/08/2022 11:33

Hi

I don't really agree with surrogacy either so can't help you there.

I am a solo adopter though and whilst becoming a mamma is by far the best thing I have ever done, it's tough doing it totally alone, and personally I'd say it doesn't matter what support network you have around you you're still doing it alone. Generally people don't get parenting traumatised children, the only ones who do are generally parenting their own traumatised kids so don't really have the time or energy to give you a break.

Having said all that my dc is still relatively young and it is full on in the early years, maybe it will get easier, although knowing adopters of older children it seems pretty full on throughout.

I think being solo is difficult because you don't /can't just leave the little one with a partner to pop to the shop, you go everywhere together, do everything together which is fabulous for attachment and bonding, however besides essential childcare I'd say I've been out without my child for a night off less than a dozen times in over 5 years. I wonder if I'd been leaving them with a partner to go to the shop, then out with friends for a coffee for example we'd be in a different situation now, I know couple friends with adopted children who regularly go out, even for weekends away but we're no where near that. It's literally either being a parent or working for me.

As for what I would think of being in a relationship with someone with a young child, it's a tough one, positive that you'd know dating isn't easy with a young child, but there'd be so many difficulties for you as an adoptive parent that if I wasn't, I may not understand or appreciate, from different styles of parenting and understanding why you're not going to discipline your child as I may mine. You won't get every other weekend and a Tuesday night off, your child will be there always when they're not at school, would I want that when potentially my kids are off at their dad's? Probably not.

Personally I don't have the time or energy for dating and I know it wouldn't work in our unit, my dc steps up 10 gears as soon as any one else is in close proximity, just to make sure I don't forget they're there. They wouldn't cope well with another person in our lives at the moment and I don't think many men would cope with our set up. It's interesting though I know couple adopters who have split up and moved on with relationships and whilst I appreciate I dont really know the impact it has had, from the outside it all looks OK. I don't however know any single adopters who have gone on to have long term relationships, I'm sure there are though, probably even some here.

I was happy single before starting the adoption process, but I wanted a family and adoption was the way for me and despite it being tough at times it has changed my world for the better. Personally I think if you want to adopt solo you need to put having a relationship to bed for now, others may however disagree and may have managed their children and dating entirely differently.

All the best in whatever you decide.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 15/08/2022 14:59

I agree with the others re surrogacy. Asking woman to risk her health to produce a baby with the sole purpose of taking the baby from the only person he/she has ever known for 9 months is not imo moral for either the woman or the baby.

Adoption however? Go for it.

Original poster

Richardbc · 15/08/2022 21:12

Solomamma · 15/08/2022 11:33

Hi

I don't really agree with surrogacy either so can't help you there.

I am a solo adopter though and whilst becoming a mamma is by far the best thing I have ever done, it's tough doing it totally alone, and personally I'd say it doesn't matter what support network you have around you you're still doing it alone. Generally people don't get parenting traumatised children, the only ones who do are generally parenting their own traumatised kids so don't really have the time or energy to give you a break.

Having said all that my dc is still relatively young and it is full on in the early years, maybe it will get easier, although knowing adopters of older children it seems pretty full on throughout.

I think being solo is difficult because you don't /can't just leave the little one with a partner to pop to the shop, you go everywhere together, do everything together which is fabulous for attachment and bonding, however besides essential childcare I'd say I've been out without my child for a night off less than a dozen times in over 5 years. I wonder if I'd been leaving them with a partner to go to the shop, then out with friends for a coffee for example we'd be in a different situation now, I know couple friends with adopted children who regularly go out, even for weekends away but we're no where near that. It's literally either being a parent or working for me.

As for what I would think of being in a relationship with someone with a young child, it's a tough one, positive that you'd know dating isn't easy with a young child, but there'd be so many difficulties for you as an adoptive parent that if I wasn't, I may not understand or appreciate, from different styles of parenting and understanding why you're not going to discipline your child as I may mine. You won't get every other weekend and a Tuesday night off, your child will be there always when they're not at school, would I want that when potentially my kids are off at their dad's? Probably not.

Personally I don't have the time or energy for dating and I know it wouldn't work in our unit, my dc steps up 10 gears as soon as any one else is in close proximity, just to make sure I don't forget they're there. They wouldn't cope well with another person in our lives at the moment and I don't think many men would cope with our set up. It's interesting though I know couple adopters who have split up and moved on with relationships and whilst I appreciate I dont really know the impact it has had, from the outside it all looks OK. I don't however know any single adopters who have gone on to have long term relationships, I'm sure there are though, probably even some here.

I was happy single before starting the adoption process, but I wanted a family and adoption was the way for me and despite it being tough at times it has changed my world for the better. Personally I think if you want to adopt solo you need to put having a relationship to bed for now, others may however disagree and may have managed their children and dating entirely differently.

All the best in whatever you decide.

Thanks Solomamma for sharing your experiecnes this is so insightful, thank you for sharing.

And also thanks everyone for your comments. Really helpful to me too.

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 17/08/2022 12:32

I know single blokes who have adopted. There is no reason why not and for some children a man may be a preferrable option.

I would focus on deciding whether adoption is for you. Read some of the problems on here and (while keeping in mind that some threads on here are the worst case scenario) think about what level and type of challenge you might be OK with.

Talk to adoption agencies and try to get to meet some adopters for a chat (many run that type of event or have lists of volunteers).

I would be more than happy be with a partner with children, but being selfish I want my own children. Difficult when most women I would want to date are mid 30s plus.

I know what you mean but I would still ask yourself some hard questions about these thoughts. There are a some similarities between step-parenting and adopting- will adoption achieve what you want? For some people being a biological parent really matters to them.

If you decide to go for it then dating and most other aspects of your life will be put to one side for a long time. If you want to explore other options then do those first- you need to be sure before you fully commit to adoption. There are loads of 30+ women who want kids soon- adoption should be a positive choice, not second best.

Nothing about having kids is easy or as you imagine and there is more potential uncertainty with adoption but ultimately all kids are just kids and becoming a Dad was the best thing I did.

Hillrunning · 17/08/2022 15:40

Just adding that as the others have said, I don't agree with surrogacy and so would never date anyone who did. I'd also strongly reconsider a friendship with any male who believed in surrogacy.

I have a male friend who has adopted aged 39. He found that single male adopters were very welcomed.

WhoopItUp · 17/08/2022 19:11

donquixotedelamancha · 17/08/2022 12:32

I know single blokes who have adopted. There is no reason why not and for some children a man may be a preferrable option.

I would focus on deciding whether adoption is for you. Read some of the problems on here and (while keeping in mind that some threads on here are the worst case scenario) think about what level and type of challenge you might be OK with.

Talk to adoption agencies and try to get to meet some adopters for a chat (many run that type of event or have lists of volunteers).

I would be more than happy be with a partner with children, but being selfish I want my own children. Difficult when most women I would want to date are mid 30s plus.

I know what you mean but I would still ask yourself some hard questions about these thoughts. There are a some similarities between step-parenting and adopting- will adoption achieve what you want? For some people being a biological parent really matters to them.

If you decide to go for it then dating and most other aspects of your life will be put to one side for a long time. If you want to explore other options then do those first- you need to be sure before you fully commit to adoption. There are loads of 30+ women who want kids soon- adoption should be a positive choice, not second best.

Nothing about having kids is easy or as you imagine and there is more potential uncertainty with adoption but ultimately all kids are just kids and becoming a Dad was the best thing I did.

I’ve been here for years…how have I missed that you’re a man?! I always assumed you were a woman…. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry!!

tonyhawks23 · 17/08/2022 19:24

I always recommend joining the Adoption Uk prospective adopter meet ups on zoom they are so good, when I was doing them there was a single dad got placed a baby with foster to adopt. I found them really helpful to hear others experiences as we went through it all.
And again very anti surrogacy here too!

jabbathewhat · 17/08/2022 19:41

I am not single and so I do take my hat off to anybody doing it on their own - if I hadn’t met my partner I would be doing it alone and totally respect you for doing that.

surrogacy - whilst I have no particular moral judgement about it - the reason we didn’t go for that is largely the uncertainty. The ball is very much in the surrogates court for the whole time, regardless of genetic links to the child the surrogate has. I understand people may have moral concerns about surrogacy and I do too… but essentially you could be 30k out of pocket and still no baby.

also I will say - I’m not saying there are loads of babies, and whilst am sure you will hear and be told to expect to adopt age 2+, there are babies out there and whilst it may be harder, I’ve known single adopters to be considered for babies. I know this might not be an issue but they have been 50+….

also I love my children and whilst adoption does have challenges so would having a biological child… I’m not saying they’re equAl challenges.

i would write off dating. I often joke I’d love to have an affair but I’d never have the time………….don’t know how people manage them - hats off to them….! Maybe when they are older it would get easier…

donquixotedelamancha · 17/08/2022 20:14

I’ve been here for years…how have I missed that you’re a man?! I always assumed you were a woman…. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry!!

No probs. I only mention it if it comes up and obviously it's irrelevant to most threads.

Perhaps I should start my posts with 'Man here...' what could possibly go wrong :-)

Simonjt · 17/08/2022 20:18

I adopted as a single man (this was an infamily adoption, so a bit different), there are three single male adopters I know quite well. I know a few people who have become parents through surrogacy as well.

Your area is likely going to have an adoption support group, get in touch and you can get some insight in the good and bad of adoption.

One thing to consider as a lone adopter is finances, I needed in the end 14 months off work, alongside being the only person bringing any money in, not having anyone to share the load, have a moan to etc does have a big impact. When you’re knackered, ill etc there isn’t anyone to share wake ups etc with.