Adopting without even trying Infertility Treatment

[Rach213]

Hi there, looking for some advice. Me and my husband have been together for 13 years (married for 4). For as long as we have been together we have wanted children and have been trying actively for at least the last 6 years. We are now at the point of deciding whether to pursue fertility treatment or go down an adoption route. I personally am at peace that maybe we weren’t meant to have biological children and feel we could give a stable loving home to an adopted child but my husband is wanting to pursue fertility treatment. I am just not sure I want to put my body through fertility treatment. Am I bad for thinking this? Does anyone else have experience of choosing to adopt and just not pursuing fertility treatment? Thanks in advance. Just very conflicted.

Not at all, fertility treatment takes a huge toll on your body it’s perfectly understandable that you wouldn’t want to go through that. I didn’t, we had some testing to see if there was anything obviously wrong but I’m very sensitive to hormones and didn’t want to put myself through the stress, the physical impact and the impact on my mental health I knew would come with hormone based treatment. Particularly for something with a small chance of success.

If you don’t want to, it’s perfectly reasonable not to and given the impact on your body I think you get the deciding vote. I went on to adopt two of the best kids in the world, I couldn’t love them more if I’d carried them myself.

Yes, I do. I had always had adoption in mind but felt we had to 'try' for a biological child first (societal pressure I think). Each time my period came, I was secretly relieved. We never even looked at fertility treatment and went straight for adoption. I remember in the initial discussions with social workers feeling rather like I had to have experienced some grief over not having had a birth child, but never actually felt any grief! Many people also assume that adopters have experienced infertility which is not always the case.
Now, I know that if I adopted again, I would be very open about the fact this was all I'd ever really wanted to do! I feel fortunate that I didn't experience that drive to have biological children as I know from some other adopters that this can take a long time to move on from. Your husband may need more time to come to terms with not having a biological child and is something SW may want to discuss. Certainly, don't feel you are 'bad' for questioning what you want/don't want for you and your body!

We had unexplained infertility and had no desire to pursue fertility treatment. Have you had any investigations? Six years is a long time to try. We did feel like we had to justify our choice to social workers and we were asked to have counselling. Adoption has certainly not been the easy option and it's not a cure for infertility. You do have to make peace with not having a biological child I think and by accepting of the fact that adoption is a completely different route to parenthood where you will likely have to parent a traumatised child.

We had enough tests done to find out what was causing our fertility issues because somethings like blocked Fallopian tubes are an easy fix. I had always been quite clear that I didn't think I could cope with the physical and emotional toll of IVF so we stopped when we knew that would be the only way we'd be able to conceive.

Normally you are expected to have a minimum of 6 months between fertility treatment and applying to become an adopter. However, because we'd always been clear what our boundaries are and had discussed adoption as an alternative before we'd tried to conceive, our SW was happy for us to proceed.

Ultimately a SW wants to make sure that you've come to terms with your fertility issues and understand and adopting a child is not simply a substitute for a biological one.

Lots of adopters do not go through fertility treatment. It takes a toll on the woman's body, is very expensive, has an unknown outcome and very likely will cause several losses the couple then has to deal with. For some people a genetic link is very important, others just want to be parents. Our social worker did not question that.

This has the added benefit that our children know that we did not try "everything" to have birth children. They were not our last option, but our choice. That has been important for them.

Hello! I have children but want to adopt our final child, so I've asked many parents who've both about loving a ac as much as my bc. All have said the love is different but equal in amount.
My point being in the end, you'll have a child you'd love the same no matter how they came into the world. I'd not have put my body through the treatment either, but there's huge online support for those who do! X

I adopted my daughter 3.5 years ago. We chose not to undergo any fertility tests at all and I never felt the need to have to give birth to be a mum. It was the right choice for us although if you go ahead then you will find you have to explain your decision constantly!

Thank you so much everyone. Hearing other people with similar stories fills me with so much relief. I really resonate with some of you saying that I don’t have to feel some sort of grief over not having a biological child. I agree fertility treatment is just as much of a valid route as others I am just not sure it is a route I feel I can cope with or even want. I genuinely don’t think of an adopted child as a substitute for biological children just a child who needs love and support who I would love regardless of their DNA. I don’t see why this can’t be just as valid but as you say maybe it’s just because it’s what we have always been taught. Thank you everyone I really appreciate your input x

We haven’t adopted yet but were approved last year and are still at the family finding stage. We also decided to not do IVF and as time passes I have started to think perhaps that was a mistake. I have found the whole process, especially the family finding, extremely hard and I know that when (if??) we do find a match that the uncertainty I’ve struggled with is far from over as it will still be a very long road to get that adoption order in your hand. My advice to anybody in the same situation I was would be to make sure you are brutally aware of every aspect of the adoption process and the current adoption climate before you choose your path.

Thank you Gracie for your honestly, really good to get different opinions :-). I hope it all works out for you x

I have a birth child and an adopted child.

The older is 17, the younger 12. Out son was 3 when adopted so been with us nearly 9 years.

I had pretty non-invasive IUI for our older child. We tried extensive IVF with donnor eggs and ended up adopting after several years of trying, despite always wanting to adopt

The only thing I would say is although you are 100 percent right not to put your body through any procedures you do not want; you and your husband do need to be on the same page if adopting.

So I think discussion is needed, maybe counselling. You may not feel upset at the prospect of no biological link to your child/children but he may. He needs to work through that, IMHO.

Good luck. Feel free to ask me anything.

As others have already said lots of people choose to adopt without going through fertility treatment. Only thing I would say is both you and your husband need to be on the same page about adoption because the process can be tough emotionally and I would imagine it’ll be hard for him if he’s not fully accepted/ok with not having a birth child.

We chose not to persue fertility treatment. By this point I had lost 3. We had discussed adoption after number 2. Each time my body took longer and longer to heal and I didn't feel mentally and physically capable of dealing with ivf. I lived in fear of it for years, became withdrawn and depressed and lived an utterly miserable existence.
I managed to speak up to DH one day and it was the best thing I did. After a cry we agreed to shut that chapter. We waited about 8 months before persuing adoption which was hugely beneficial. I would say we have completely accepted never having kids at all! Which has made the adoption journey easier going. We turned away from looking for a baby and we are looking more for the right fit. A child/children we feel we can give an amazing life to, filled with opportunity and a chance to thrive.

I would say the worst part of not doing fertility treatment is other people. Everyone assumes I have tried xyz. Even in our adoption training there were knowing nods from other people on the training when they discussed their experiences and I was blank faced.

As someone else said in the thread, being able to tell a child you chose this route and them may be beneficial too. Hopefully that will help them feel chosen, wanted and loved instead of a last resort.

Please just do what feels right to you! Dont let yourself be forced down a route that people deem "normal"

Thank you so much everyone for your messages. I really appreciate hearing your experiences :-)

I know a few people (and lots of gay couples) who chose adoption as their first choice to become a family.

Your dh needs to be on the same page as you. You also need to consider he might go along with the adoption and matching process then walk when things get tough with an adoptive child/children, as it was never his first choice. I have seen it happen, but as long as you are aware of this risk and let's face it, lots of marriages don't go the distance (sorry don't mean to be negative - just realistic!) then definitely go for it.

@Rach213 I don't know if this is of any interest to you but adoption U.K. are doing a webinar on fertility and adoption on 18/07

www.facebook.com/AdoptionUK/photos/a.202760376412485/5655112261177242/?type=3

@ifchocolatewerecelery thank you, will definitely check it out !!

@Rach213 we are in the same boat, we've been ttc for 5 years and been with the fertility clinic for 3 with unexplained infertility, our only option is ivf.
We currently don't fit all the criteria to go through with ivf, but I've always said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it anyway. Having a bio child isn't hugely important for me. Being able to see a child grow, giving them they best in life and seeing them happy is all that matters to me.

Someone in our family has gone through the foster to adopt process and seeing how everyone has taken to them and treated them as part of the family and loves them as a bio child, as well as seeing how much I've felt emotionally towards them, has made me think this is the way to go.

We are in the process of looking at agencies and getting info together.

How are you getting on with deciding what path to take?