Initial research

[Charl881]

Hi all,

Been on the conception threads for some time but so far it’s not working out for us with TTC #2 (to be honest DS was a miracle!).

We have been having some open and honest conversations and are both on the same page that we would rather go down the adoption route than IVF (for a number of reasons).

Does anyone have any advice on where we can go to for more info and advice? We’re really only just starting to look into this so need to understand and learn A LOT.

Also, is it likely to be held against us that my husband is disabled if we do go down the adoption route?

Adoption UK is a good place to start.

If your DH can parent your current child then presumably he can parent an adopted one. I know a couple who adopted where one was registered blind (v.little sight) and the other needed a stick to walk.

Start gently thinking how flexible you could be. A child would need to be at least 2 years younger than your BC, and in lots of ways a bigger gap is better. Think whether there are conditions / issues you could / could not take on. With a young child you obviously get more influence on early years, with an older one any issues are more likely to be visible so perhaps less uncertainty.

Parenting an adopted child can be very challenging and different from parenting a birth child who has not suffered trauma. Think about the impact the AC could have on your BC.you could spend so much time on your AC that your BC loses out on your time.
Look at therapeutic parenting ,attachment disorders \ACES (adverse childhood experiences) . You might not know if any potential AC will have this. SW can be economical with the truth about the child or things kick in as child approaches puberty.
My easiest child is the one who has loads of additional needs but he will never be independent .
Disability does not preclude you from adopting but you might need to shop around agencies as some as more accepting than others and will probably want to speak to specialists /doctors involved with your husband.

Contact your local LA/RAA (Regional Adoption Agency) and some voluntary adoption agencies and attend their information events. Most agencies are upfront about the kind of the children they place and they will be able to advise you on what your process would be.

I would read
Julia Davis "Preparing for Adoption", Helen Oakwater "Want to adopt?"
Dan Hughes "Building the Bonds of Attachment"
Bruce Perry "The boy, who was raised as a dog"
UK Trauma Council (videos)
Karyn Purvis "The Connected Child"
Sally Donovan "No Matter What", "The Inofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting"
creatingafamily.org podcasts on adoption

You can also find a lot of information on youtube by most of these experts, which might be an easier way to start. The BBC series "The Adoption" is worth a listen to understand the process and different perspectives.

I disagree with the pp that most social workers can be economical with the truth. That is not my experience at all and I know quite a few social workers.

Good luck!