How do I tell my son?

[GeckoLeopard]

We have adopted our DS who is very young. SWs (and I presume birth mother) don’t know who his birth father is although several men took a dna test.

My question is, how do I tell my DS? How do we provide security for him when he gets to the age when this big uncertainty affects him? We can’t provide info which isn’t there.

I overthink this issue as it would majorly affect me if I didn’t know who my birth father was. Has anyone had a similar situation; how did you deal with it?

Thanks

I’d take an Ancestry DNA test on his behalf. You can keep his results anonymous.

I'm an adoptee and think it would be better to wait until he wants to take an Ancestry DNA test. My brother (not related also an adoptee) has a good relationship with his birth mum but has no information on his birth father and is ok with that.

I wouldn't do a DNA test, he can choose to do that later if he wants. Certainly think through the possible consequences of that before doing it.

You can start with 'birth Mum didn't tell us who birth Dad is' and then move on from there towards 'we got the impression that BM didn't know'.

Mine know who their BF is but neither has ever shown much interest (possibly because they know he wasn't nice). You may find that your DS doesn't ask much at all, not all adopted children do.

I never asked my adoptive parents about my birth parents but was desperate to know more about them. It felt like a totally taboo subject. My adoptive parents had actually met my birth Mum (very unusual for the time) and I would have loved to have heard about her.

Thanks. With any dna testing I think we’ll wait until he’s an adult. My question really was about the emotional side for DS but maybe he won’t be that bothered anyway! We were keen to meet birth Mum and have transcribed that meeting (as far as we could remember) fir him if he wants it.

Anything else you would have wanted to know if you don’t mind me asking?

I was adopted (a very long time ago!}, and wasn’t told anything about my birth parents - which was normal in those days. I did start to think about my birth mother when I was in my late teens but never gave birth father a thought. I traced birth family when I was in my 30s - the law had changed to make that possible. My birth mother had died by then and nobody knew who my birth father was. I’m now in my 70s and still know nothing about my birth father. I can honestly say it really doesn’t matter to me. I had fabulous adoptive parents and that was the main thing. I was glad to have found my birth family but we have little contact now and that’s absolutely fine. The best thing is to be guided by your son’s interest in his birth family, see how it goes but try not to worry about it too much. I hope all goes well for you xx

Thanks @MrsMatty that’s really helpful