Fostering and birth children

[Yorky]

DH and I want to start fostering.
DS is nearly 1.
We applied to LA (Cambs at the time) when I was pregnant and they said they couldn't process our application while I was pregnant.
We have since moved twice and have just applied to LA, now Oxon.
We have a spare room, I am a SAHM waiting for Ofsted to be registered as CM, qualified last July, have said I would rather have younger children under 10, and we are looking forward to getting started- looking ahead a bit I admit!
Because DH is forces, Cambs suggested we only do short term/respite caring as we move every couple of years.
But how will it affect our son? Will the foster kids be jealous of him? I am right in thinking that a lot of the kids come with baggage and shouldn't be left alone with him?
I am nervous thinking of getting a rescue dog as we wouldn't know what he had been through - and yet I want to be a positive influence in the lives of these hurting kids.
I am scared of hurting our son.
Please help me to see past stereotypes and prejudice.

Yorky - good on you, there are never enough decent foster carers around - my parents have always fostered since I can remember so I have always grown up around foster kids. My family moved around the world and wherever we were after a while my parents would be approved as foster carers and we generally had one or 2 young children/babies in the house.

Some were respite care for a few weeks because the parents needed help - some were custody battles, some were cases where the parents were being investigated for some form of abuse. Dad is 69 this year and Mum is 59 and they currently have 2 babies under 6 weeks - don't know how they do it but they are revelling in it!

I can honestly say that it did not have any adverse effect on me - if anything I am constantly grateful for my solid loving family as I can see how grim it can be. I think as kids we just accepted that the babies and children came because that is the way it was, we accepted that they were part of our family temporarily (although sometimes it was up to 2 years!) and then they moved on - I was always aware that the children were going to go so formed an attachment that would allow me to deal with them leaving - kids are adaptable that way I guess. I am still in touch with some and we still get news about some of them with their adoptive parents.

I don't think any of the kids that came to us were jealous, either they were too young or generally pleased to be out of the situations but of course as I grew older I think my attention was probably more focussed on me, clothes and boys than the 4 year old - teenagers!

I can only speak from my experience and this has always been babies and young children but the children in foster care are not the sterotypical idea of a sort of damaged 6 year old who plays mind games and tries to challenge you by wrecking everthing in the house. That said we were all older than the children that came into our house - when my parents started fostering I think I was about 4 - old enough to have the situation explained in simple terms. Your ds is still very young and having older kids in the house may faze him especially if they then disappear are a prolonged time - maybe short respite care would be best until ds is old enough to have some concept of what is going on.

Off to bed now - good luck with whatever you decide and I promise not all foster children are little Damians

Thanks Beagle, Your parents sound amazing.
I didn't want to sound selfish but needed reassuring. I love the idea of him growing up and accepting other kids and helping them, I think I was worried he might resent sharing us with the others, but maybe if we start while he's tiny then he won't remember having us to himself! And hopefully he won't have us to himself forever anyway!

Hi my parents have been foster carers for the last 5 years, i must admit i was v. upset at first as had only just moved out with my new baby but soon got used to it. The problem is people assume all the children are lovely but in reality they are not, my daughter was molested by one boy when they were within earshot in the garden and i have been physically assualted especially when pregnant several times as they know there is nothing you can really do to punish them, you cannot withold privillages like you would your own children. Sorry to sound so negative, there are positives eg my parents are adopting one of the children they foster, im just trying to tell you my own experiance.

My God how absolutely awful for you Olivialansamum and your family - between us we run the whole spectrum of foster caring experience - I suspect that mine is so very different because all of the kids we had were so very young - (babies or ususally under 5) so not so damaged that they could do anything to us.

I hope you managed to get some help to get through what must have been truly horrendous.

My family foster mainly 7-17 year olds, my mum didnt think she could cope with saying goodbye to babies, as my parents are specialist carers we have had some troubled kids hence horrid incidents. Usually my parents are the last family they try them in before juvenille units.

Interesting reading.

Like you Yorky, I have always wanted to foster children (older children too) - and I teach excluded teenagers in Hackney so have a fair idea of the behaviour and issues.

However, we are probably going to leave fostering til dd (and have another on the way too) are older - perhaps even at secondary school or older, so they can understand. It's hard though when I talk to kids I teach and wish I could take them home with me

Oliviaelanasmum, for you. Echo what beagle said - make sure you get some help for you and your daughter.

Thanks luckilly we are a close family unit so dd1 who was 3 at the time told us that day and we sorted it straight away but social services refused to help and it took 9 weeks before he was moved on, 9 weeks where my dd couldnt see her grandparents as i just couldnt bear to take her round. My mum still blames herself as she feels she invited trouble into her home iykwim. They will be giving up fostering once the adoption process is over. There have been some lovely kids though dont get me wrong, and as my parents nominted carer i have had them for a week at a time and had no problems, at one point i think i was 23 and looking after 5 and was pg!!

Sounds like you are a great mum!

Hi Yorky - I contacted LA about fostering and they told me ds was too young and i had to wait until ds is 4 before i could apply.

Look out for Flower & Kristina they have given me fab advice in the past.

Thats what I was afraid of oliviaelanasmum, you must be having a hard time with things atm. I hope your daughter is young enough to not be badly hurt by it.
I am hoping that as beagle says that caring mostly for younger kids will avoid some of this kind of problems.
Why can you not withold privileges from them while they are with you?

Apparently its against their human rights or some such nonsence, mum threatened to stop his pocket money (and actually just put it in his saving account instead) when he smashed all the windows of a farm they live near. The social worker said they wasn't allowed even though he wouldnt have lsot the money he was entitled too as it would have been added to his savings. Dd1 is fine now, she has never mentioned it again, luckilly she was young to not understand the seriousness of the situation, needless to say we watch all the children like hawks now.

Hi Yorky

Have you tried contacting SSAFA to see if they will put you through for fostering.

We went through to become adopters and back then in 05 they used to do fostering as well. and they were really short of foster parents and used to rush them through.

When our children are a bit older and more settled it is something we are going to look at.

Hi Yorky,

Dh and I have fostered for 20 years now. We started when our youngest was 4 and we began just taking babies. Over the years we have taken sibling groups of up to four children up to nine years old.

It's hard work but I can't imagine not doing it and I dread the day that we won't be able to do it.
We now take only newborns who can end up staying a year or more and it is incredibly difficult when we have to let them go.

Our 3 grew up with foster children always around and I feel they gained more than they lost or had to share.

Good luck

hi Yorky

you said

"I am nervous thinking of getting a rescue dog as we wouldn't know what he had been through - and yet I want to be a positive influence in the lives of these hurting kids.
I am scared of hurting our son.
Please help me to see past stereotypes and prejudice."

many children in foster care have been abused or neglected. Some of these children, even those who are very young, will act out this abuse on babies, small children and animals. This isn't prejudice, its fact. Very sad but true.

If you ask SS to guarantee that any child you have placed with you will not have suffered any abuse or neglect, they will refuse.

If you take FC into your home your child is at risk. The degree of risk depends on the respective ages and other factors.eg having two carers around all the time.

Your child is very young and your Dh is working full time so you woudl be a sole carer.

As Flower says, her own children were AT LEAST four years older than the FC. This is good practice and i would be surprised if any reputabel agency woudl do otherwise.

You also have to be aware that the circumstances of children coming into care has changed a great deal over the last 40 yeasr. So the experience of adults whose parents fostered newborns and small children when they were young may not be very relevant today

i understand that you want to be a postive influence in the lives of hurting children. But I would suggest that you woudl be wise to think of another way that you coudl help such children that does not involves exposing your own child. For now that probably means not having them in your home.

What about volunteering at a community project or training to be a counsellor? I am sorry to be less than encouraging

It sounds awful to compare kids to rescue dogs, I agree, but I just meant that they could react in a frightening or unexpected way to a situation.
I understand completely that children are placed with foster homes because they have suffered abuse and/or neglect so SS can't place kids who haven't suffered cos they don't need it.
I thought fostering would be a great way to help as I could be a SAHM to more than just my own son, but maybe caution and sense say wait a few years. I'm not sure about training as counsellor as while DH is working I feel I need to be around for DS but I will look at local projects hat I could be involved with once he starts creche.
Thank you for being realistic.
Flower, thank you for saying it can be a positive experience for your own children

I'm not offended by teh rescue dog analogy, i understand what you mean!

if you want to be availabel for your own son then you really DONT want to be fostering just now. Its very very time consuming - a FC will take up far more time than many newborn babies. It really is a job - you woudl need childcare for your DS for meetings anyway

you will have regular meetings with the childs SW and yours, you will have to attend training and courses and reviews, the child will have nursery ( if a toddler) and appointmenst with hospital, doctor and others like educational psychologists or play therapists. you will probably have contacts visits as well, these woudl be quite frequent with a young child

THB I woudl have thought CM woudl be much more suitable for you at this stage in your life. have you checked out the Cm boards on mumsnet? they are full of useful info and woudl give you great advice

i am truly sorry that i cant be more encouraging

Yorky - I am in almost the same situation as you! I am a full time (single) SAHM, I am just about to start childminding and I am also approved as a foster carer.

I began the process when my dd was a year old, was approved when she was 16 months and I am still waiting for a placement (dd is now 21 months). I believe it's taking so long because my agency will only place a child with me that won't pose a threat to my dd, and so far they have not had this type of referral.

That said, I have made some calls myself and I am about to start discussions with an LA about siblings looking for long term (permanent) foster care... it's great that I'm finally being considered but there's no guarantee that it will be a match.

just to add my friend fostered a 6yr old for a while who was very disturbed and when he left her she did say that she didn't realsie some of the restictions placed on her own family until he left.

How would your family feel about the children?
We have snuggles in bed with our ds 1st thing in the morning as does she but not while she was fostering as, obviously, that is not to happen. Sorry, that came out wrong but there are things you do in a family that you wouldn't do with a foster child.

If you go and stay at anyone's house you have to have a separate room for the child (friend had to) this makes going away, even for a night, difficult.

Lots and lots of rules and regulations -it wasn't as straight forward as you might think.

He was lovely, very unhappy background to do with neglect and emotional/physical abuse meant he was erratic but sometimes absolutely lovely. I often wonder how he is and if he's okay....

Our lea seems to let you foster if your lo is younger as my friends lo was 2/3.

Personally I would wait until your lo is olderso you can explain adn they can tell you if anything untoward were to happen.In the mean time, help out at local youth groups to gain experience, or perhaps a difficult school nearby that may need volunteers.

On the flip side I would love to take comfort that should anything happen to me or dh and our families couldn't help for whatever reasons that our ds's would have a loving home to go to, not all the children will be difficult.

Sorry, just re read and that didn;t sound like I wanted it too!

She felt that she couldn't totally relax, slob about in dressing gown and snuggles and cuddles in bed. She felt she was a 'professional' even when at home.

I am a foster carer and I have my own two year old and this wasn't a problem at all.
We have a 7 month old baby with us at the moment and I am doing a lot of work with her family so that hopefuly she will be able to go home rather than a fast-tracked adoption that was originally planned for her.

My little girl is attached as are we, but she knows the baby has her own family and I explain that the baby is just staying for a little while.My daughter was a little jealous at first but now is very protective and helpful with the baby.

The safer caring is a huge issue, especially with older children and you really need to stick to all the rules to protect yourselves, espcially husbands/male partners, your own and the fostered children.It does change family life but you can get used to the changes and work around it.

I think having babies is hard work but there is less of a threat against your own children but then again every child is different and comes with a totally unique set of baggage.

My parents fostered when I was young. They were very careful that they only fostered children who were much younger than us, so that there wasn't an issue with jealousy. That also protected us, as we were obviously much bigger than the foster children. Our family had a very positive experience, even though some of the children were very damaged by the experience. There was no way that my Mum could have coped with a very needy foster child though if we had been little too. Part of the reason that things worked out so well was that we were in school, and so the foster child had undivided attention during the day.
Sorry to put a bit of a damper, as I think that it's wonderful that you want to foster, but I would wait until your DS is older.