I have questions

[ChaosMoon]

DH and I are seriously thinking about adoption. We have a biological DD3. We haven't tried for a second. We're going to move house towards the end of this year and I want to get the ball rolling once we've settled.

Firstly, are there any books you would recommend at this stage? I know there are a lot of useful resources online, but there's so much crap as well and I don't know where to start studying through it all.

What are the pros and cons of going through a Voluntary Addition Agency vs the LA? Everything I've found is quite vague.

Those are my practical questions. I have others but I'm not even sure how to articulate them at the moment.

Is there anything else I should be thinking about now?

Thanks in advance.

Adoption resources U.K. on Instagram is a good place to start. It is run by an adoption social worker. She has books she recommends for everyone, she has posts on specific parts of the process and how she works with prospective adopters and she also has one discussing the VA or LA option.

Honestly, and I know this wasn’t a direct question, but if you are able to have a child biologically, then that would be my biggest recommendation. And I write as an adoptive parent of two children, and I’m 15+ years into my adoption journey. Adoption is hard, rightly so, but there’s the stresses of the processes, the length of the journey, the huge uncertainties, the ongoing issues, then there’s the teen years (adoption was wonderful till puberty and teenage years hit).

Also, and I don’t mean this disparagingly or critically to the poster above, but I would more focus my efforts on reading blogs and so on from actual adopters than adoption social workers. We are the people who live and breathe the epigenetics, the attachment difficulties, the lifelong issues caused by the toxic trio of drugs, alcohol and domestic violence in utero, the primal wound of the maternal separation, the fuck-ups of the care system, the ongoing and debilitating sense of shame and worthlessness, the never-ending school dramas, the perfect storm of puberty and the quest for identity in the teen years. Plus, the overlapping queries of adoption and attachment vs neurodiverse diagnoses. Then there are the unpalatable truths of lying, stealing, extreme risk-taking, aggression and violence, which are all much more prevalent in adopted young people.

I would recommend the AdoptionUK forums as a good place to seek advice from more experienced adopters.

Oh that's so helpful, thank you! I will head straight there now.

@ChaosMoon what sort of child do you want to adopt and why? To hat's the first question I would ask.

They will mostly likely ask why adoption rather than having another biological child.
Most adopted children will have suffered trauma and can impact greatly on their behaviours which can last for days and can be extreme .this can impact on your biological child as well as your own relationship .. You will have to fight for everything . They may struggle with school even if they are academically able.
Look at Potato group (parents of traumatised adopted teens only) .read everything you can on trauma and don't under estimate how hard it can be research CPV child to parent violence, NVR non violent resistance . therapeutic parenting .
It can be rewarding but very hard .

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. All of your responses are helpful.

I know that we still have to put a lot of thought into our reasons for adopting. It's something I plan to think about a lot over the next few months.

It comes down to a mixture of things. I suffered significant birth injuries and would have to have a c section next time round. I'm incredibly lucky that my permanent symptoms aren't nearly as bad as they could be but it did have a huge psychological impact. This was probably a contributing factor in getting post natal depression. I struggled a lot during the baby stage, although that could have been the depression talking. I don't know. The upshot is, I don't have any desire to carry a child again myself.

I've always been interested in adoption. There are so many kids in the world that need families and the world doesn't need more kids (societal issues around birthrates aside). But I want one. I can't articulate why, I just do.

But am I being ridiculous? I've read many threads about how "awful" it is (not my word, just the message given) but surely having extreme difficulties makes people more vocal about them? There are also people who say it's hard but it's worth it.

I just find it so frustrating that there's no real data about outcomes.

Sorry, I'm free associating. I'm not sure what I'm asking anymore. 🤦

@Italiangreyhound That is a question I find so hard to answer. It feels so distasteful to think about a kid that way. But I know I'll have to...

ChaosMoon I honestly don't think it's a distasteful thing to consider. There are lots of good reasons to adopt. I personally feel that wanting a child, or another child, is a good reason. And just being aware of some of the issues ls helpful.

Ive adopted after having bc, lots of people do, theres a webinar on Adoption UK on this and I found it helpful in the early days. And I think its Molly Mama Adopt who has adopted after having her bc, shes good to watch, on you tube. I totally recommend Adoption UK and their zoom meet ups for prospective adopters, really helpful throughout the process. And for statistics of outcomes/real life experience see their Adoption Barometer, its out every year and this years was out recently. I think having bc already really really helped us and the whole team was really supportive throughout. Our dd is only 2 though so early days and who knows by the teenage years!

I'm glad it's going well for you @tonyhawks23 - I hope it stays that way.

I'll check out the Adoption Barometer now. I've been on their website but haven't looked at that bit yet.

Thank you @Italiangreyhound .

I understand your reservations regarding wanting to undergo another pregnancy and birth.
But I would strongly exercise caution as choosing adoption as an alternative

Nothing is harder than parenting a traumatised child.
Thats not to say its not right for u
Best thing to do is read read read and read some more
Good luck what u decide x