Told her whole class she’s adopted

[HaroldScully]

Not sure what I want from this post. My six year old told her whole class she was adopted.

Name changed for this. We were given some photos from a few years ago at school drop off a few days ago by another parent. They were from reception year and had worked their way into another child’s folder. At the time they were given to the reception year as ‘my family’ photos. little did we know a year ago, that they would be as significant as they have been this week.

There were 2, one was from celebration day, one was from our first holiday together. When my girl saw them, she told immediately wanted to show the class them at ‘show and tell’ time, she was so proud. Show and tell was the following day. These 2 photos have often been used in the home as ‘props’ to reiterate how the children came to us and the timeline - so she knew them well.

Now, we are very ‘out and proud’ to those that matter and we are extremely honest with our children about stuff. I knew that if she showed the photos, she would tell the story, because we’ve worked so hard at creating and celebrating the history. E.G ‘this was when the judge said yes’.

I said to her when she saw these photos, that she didn’t have to tell the whole story about the photos, she could just show them. I told her that it was her story and she did not have to tell it - and once it’s told, it can’t be taken back - and I tried to say all of this without trying to make it sound like adoption was something to be ashamed of.

Anyway, she showed the photos and told the story, all of the teachers were aware this might happen because I ‘d warned them and they were all available in case of any fall out. The class took it really well, asked what adoption was, and a teacher gently explained it.

My daughter was then taken for a cup of tea in the staff room by a very close teacher of hers to de-brief and make sure she was ok.

During all of this I felt so out of control, it is her story, she may tell people, I had to put my trust in a 6 year old to do what she thought was best for her, after trying to explain the possible negative outcomes, without bringing any shame to it.

it’s so hard, knowing how much to disclose, but yesterday my girl took it into her own hands…and she did just grand! She’s in year 1, I doubt many of the kids will remember, but I think she will. It’s not right for everyone, she’s very young and I couldn’t have stopped her disclosing (because we have been so clear in her story), but it does feel like a massive moment for her.

My DS did similar at show and tell aged 5, we’ve spoken a lot about it being his story but being something to share with people who mattered to him but that people can’t unknow things, so to take care. He’s quite secure and sees adoption as a positive thing in his life. 4 years down the line and it’s never been mentioned by the kids in his class, it’s just known that that’s how he came to his family. There are a lot of care experienced and adopted children in his school so they’re very used to children telling complex family stories.

Your DD sounds fabulous to be so confident, I hope her experience of telling is a positive one for her.

Thank you so much @Jellycatspyjamas I am always so honest with them, that I wonder if I’ve gone to far (at this age I’ve not spoken about details), we just often talk about birth parents and how they came to us. I was really scared because I knew what she was going to say, because that celebration day photo is so intrinsic to our discussions and disclosure. I think she is proud of herself for being able to tell her story (and so she bloody should be - she is an absolute firecracker), but it was almost like a test of me, what I’d told them and the confidence I had/or hadn’t given them. When the teacher explained why adoption happens (e,g, birth parents couldn’t look after them properly), apparently my girl exclaimed ‘how do you know my story!’. Aren’t they so resilient!! I am so proud!

she’s been through so much in the last year too, her birth father died last year and also her beloved adoptive grandad. These kids blow me away…they are amazing, I’m in awe of them.

My Miss is a very private person when it comes to the differences between her and her friends and when I asked if she'd told them she has started having play dates with her sibling in foster care she said no.

We adopted a second child last year who came home 18 months old. She told everyone he was her brother and several of the children in her class were confused as they new instinctively something wasn't 'normal'. Many of the parents worked it out and he was 'outed' as as adopted by their older cousin (who goes to the same school) to her friends. I've no idea if she 'outed' my daughter at the same time as have decided not to make a big thing of it. I've also no idea what Miss 6 has told her friends about Mr 18 months as she's not really sure herself.

I think my DDs classes knew they were adopted, it was never an issue. By the end of primary at least half the class weren't living with both their biological parents anyway.
In secondary DD2 outed herself (in not entirely correct detail) to her y9 drama class when they were doing Blood Brothers. I had a nice email from the drame teacher about it

Our AD also wanted to do a show and tell at school a few weeks ago with her lifestory book. We talked to the teachers and they supported her through it. She was pleased with herself and came back feeling it was a positive experience. She's very open about being adopted (she's 7 now, adopted at 5) and will talk to anyone and everyone about it. She has only had people reacting positively to it so I think she's generally ok about it and doesn't have the self-awareness that the world can be a cruel place and differences can be picked on.

My Y1 AS did exactly the same. He complicated matters even more as he mentioned his other full siblings who are adopted with a different family (we have direct contact and are close to the them) which resulted in lots of questions he couldn’t answer (siblings’ parents are same sex which confused things for them even more - it was assumed I must be their mum too as they have two dads).

Fortunately a brilliant TA overheard and intervened when AS got out of his depth.

So far (it was last term) no negative consequences. I think it stressed me far more than AS!

So pleased to hear that there haven’t been many adverse reactions. It’s such a fine line to walk isn’t it between being proud and over sharing, and being cautious and your kids wondering why your being cautious. My eldest told someone at school and ge said they didn’t believe him. So I guess in the end we just have to trust our kids to make the best decisions they can. We have some absolutely fantastic teachers and TAs at our school who are very knowledgeable and quick to step in when required. It feels like half the battle won when you’ve got teachers on side and understanding.

That's what happened with our daughter: she said that someone didn't believe she was adopted so it prompted her to bring the book. I honestly do not know how to feel about it - a mix of pride and apprehension in case things are not handled delicately but it's her story and her voice I guess!

My children have always been very open about being adopted and everyone has been very positive about it. One of my daughters just sees it as normal, just one way of building a family. My other daughter is proud of it and thinks it makes her special and interesting. They are 15 and 16 now and have changed school twice, so they could have kept it private, but haven't.

I have always been open about us being an adoptive family. I felt that if I start to keep it hush, hush, I will send the message that it is shameful, no matter what I say to them. I have told my daughters to keep details private though. That's easy to explain though. After all, we don't know much about other people's families. So keeping details private, is actually normal.

It came up in their classes in Y1 and Y4. In Y1 children didn't know the word and were happy with a basic explanation. In Y4 questions were more detailed and I had briefed the teacher, so our responses matched. Mostly my kids answered though. They were very proud to be the experts.