Dealing with behaviours

[Nel81]

Hiya, still in the middle of introductions atm but would like a bit of advice with regards dealing with some behaviours my child is showing. He is 3, almost 4, and is desperate for attention constantly, which is understandable. I'm prepared to give all he needs but I don't know if he's acting out atm because it's (and me)all new to him or if he's playing me. How can I deal with the behaviours? Any advice gratefully received.

Hi @Nel81
Congratulations on your new son.

Could you explain more about the behaviours?

Congratulations!

I don’t think he’s playing you. I think he’s probably really scared and is showing you in the only way he can. I have found switching my mindset from ‘attention seeking’ to ‘attachment seeking’ made all the difference and found the answers I needed from that viewpoint.

good luck and congratulations again

Thank you. It's expected behaviour I know but I just want to try and make things as easy for us both as I can. According to Foster carer he can play alone happily for around half an hour but I haven't seen that at all. He gets frustrated over the tiniest thing, like his Peppa doll not sitting up in the toy car, and screeches and whines until I put it back to sit up but of course, she falls back over as soon as he moves the car. The Foster carer has brought so many toys up (i didn't buy much but wish I hadn't brought anything now the amount she's sent up) but he just throws them all over the floor in frustration and then gets even more frustrated when he can't find something he wants. We're constantly up and down the stairs, carrying the same toys up and down. He's also feeding my dogs lots from off his plate, it's all decent stuff they can have but the vet pointed out they were a bit overweight the last time we went so don't want another row 🤦‍♀️😂

I think your starting point is that he is a very scared, confused little boy. He is very young and you need to think younger still.
Don't expect him to do what he can do at the FC, this is a new situation for him. My son was nearly 8 when he came home and was limpet boy, couldn't do anything alone for many months so not sure I would expect it from a toddler
Can't you have all his toys in one place? If he can't understand about not feeding the dogs then to be honest I'd put the them in another room whilst you are eating.
Intros are really confusing and stressful, when you are home properly and get into a routine, things should get easier.

My LO is 3.5 and can frustrated over toys like you have said. With her I have tried to model calm behaviour and talking her through it. "Oh that's fallen over let's pick that up" or "silly pig has slipped". Can you tell also in Peppa love phase here lol. It's helped her seeing that they're not things you can sort together and to just ask for help. She played plenty by herself at the foster carers too but we only saw little glimpses of that. Now we're 9 months down the line there is a lot more of that as she's more settled, confident in coming for help, knowing I'll help her figure stuff out and becoming more secure in herself and in her space.
Hope that makes sense. It is full on very early days and there's lots going on in that little head.
We have places for all the toys so she knows where to find stuff. Well on the whole cos when they help tidy who knows sometimes
It sounds like it's going well and like Ted says, life once you're home and building your life and routines together it helps.

Congratulations on your wee boy! intros are so so hard and it will get easier and its good you can ask for advice when stuck in the daily chaos! Kids are complete chaos and I would lower your expectations significantly. Dont even have the dogs weight on your radar for example, all the focus needs to be on making your son feel safe so he can settle on. Anything that causes you stress will cause him stress as he feels your reaction, so just shuffle the environment - dont have the dog in the same room with food about - kids will always feed the dog its very fun and its very normal. id also reshuffle your playing situation if you are having to go upstairs for toys, Id get a lot of nice storage boxes and sort the toys into them nicely, he will 'help' and enjoy it, cars in one, duplo in one, etc etc and then you cna get one box out at a time. And keep them easily accessible to where you want to play or you will be tired out. ignore the mess all day and then at bedtime do a blitz, get a song on and tidy with him into the right boxes etc, make it fun dont make it stressful. Remember your pace and make play central to everything. And on the half hour playing thing defo lower your expectations, at the moment he needs you playing with him all the time, do everything with him, this is normal and especially important in intros and early days. see it as saying for the first month with him I wont leave him alone, not once, so that he has at least you with him in this completely new environement, so he gets completely safe in the knowledge that you arent going anywhere. It doesnt last forever but hes going to need to feel safe before hes comfortable playing on his own. Treat him like a newborn - bottle feed him like a baby, bath in with him, never leave him, cuddle him for all his tv time, carry him to the bathroom when you go to the toilet etc, and expect everything else to not matter, attachment and safety is the only thing that matters just now. ignore the mess and have really simple meals, use a sling or have him 'help' to cook if you can. Its really really tough but holding him really close is the key to resolving behaviour worries. Its not a long time but itl be easier in the long run as hel defo be acting this way because its all so new and scary for him.

Think how you would feel if you were being taken from someone you know, given to a stranger, losing everyone and everything familiar to you. I guess you’d find the smallest thing scary and annoying, you’d seek closeness to someone who seemed in the slightest bit safe, you’d chop and change the things you wanted, you’d want to see if familiar things were still available to you. Now think of a tiny child without your emotional and psychological maturity, without the language to express feelings or the cognitive understanding of what’s happening to them.

He doesn’t have the cognitive ability to be “playing” you, he’s trying to have his needs met and to cope with ever changing feelings.

Id echo keeping his toys in one place, keep the dogs in a different room at meal times and expect him to regress - he won’t be able to do with you what he does in the safety of his foster carers, because he doesn’t feel safe with you, nor should he so early on.

Intros and early placement are very, very demanding - try to get space where you can, it’ll help you get a sense of why he’s behaving as he is and will give you headspace to think about what you need to sustain yourself in the coming weeks and months.

Thanks for all your replies. Feeling a bit less stressed today and he seems a lot less frantic too, think the cooler weather is helping. We live in a terrace with only a small reception room so toys are upstairs in his bedroom and playroom. He has an obsession with his Peppa pig toys and they are what we're carrying up and down the stairs. He wants them wherever we are so are obviously providing some comfort to him. I had a bit of a panic last night after he'd gone home as I couldn't find one of the cars and ordered a (probably not good enough) replacement on Amazon but he hadn't asked for it this morning and then I spotted it in a cupboard, was so relieved 😂

The half hour playing thing wasn't part of my expectations, the Foster carer mentioned it during one of the review meetings, feeling he was overtired when the intros were at theirs because I was playing with him whereas they can leave him.

Congratulations on your little boy.

Welcome to the world of parenting. the constant thinking about him and his needs and how the little things impact never stops. It is so lovely to hear you are already thinking like this.

next problem, the toys. Can you give him his own basket with a handle he can use to put them in and move them around the house with you? If it is open, he can see them all the time.

you are still getting to know him. For my son, the move to us was an additional trauma so the child in foster care was completely changed by the impact of losing his attachment figure. The reason I say this is it’s time to watch and observe him and get to know him by yourself and come up with your own family routines which meet both of your needs. These will probably mirror a lot of what he does at foster carers (because they know him) but it’s a really exciting time (as well as overwhelming) for you both and who knows what the impact of the move will be?

wishing you all the best. Sounds like you’ve got this.

the Foster carer mentioned it during one of the review meetings, feeling he was overtired when the intros were at theirs because I was playing with him whereas they can leave him.

It’s likely he was overtired, but also stressed and scared so his behaviour is going to be different. You need to play with him to build a relationship with him, so he may feel overtired - you could intersperse play with cuddling up reading a book or watching tv, some down time for you both but still connected?

I know the feeling of the panicked toy lost! Good on you getting one ordered from amazon, thats really lovely. Youve got this!