social rejection

[Aswegoalong]

I know this is just a feeling and I know we have made great strides since our (now 3.5 year old) was adopted almost 2 years ago, but....
I was so happy to finally find a parent/child group that I thought was understanding and inclusive, especially a forest school, because of the added benefits of being in nature and learning practical information.
Six weeks in, we have been asked, by another parent, to take a step back because their child doesn't feel safe with my son around. We haven't got a great track record but she has seen my son improve with his impulse control over the last eighteen months and it is sad that we should hear this from her. I have tried to see if there is any leeway in her resolution but she seems steadfast and I don't want to endanger our relationship in the long term. Just for some background - she found the forest school first and she is much more local to it.
Anyway, I'm not looking for backup on whether she is wrong to ask us to stay away, I just want to share this feeling of sadness that we can barely access 'normal' meetups and that we seem to be so restricted to the few parents who 'get it' in adoption groups and the very limited nursery hours we are granted - again due to his previous tendency to hit and push - meaning that the nursery are insisting on us only attending when 1:1 is available (another saga!)

Hi,

Firstly, it doesnt matter if the other parent ‘found’ it first or that its more local to them, you are perfectly entitled to use it as much as she is.
I also don’t think you should stay away at the request of another parent. Its really not her decision to make. I would talk to the organisers to see if they think there is an issue and IF there is, see what can be done to manage it

I appreciate you don’t want to be where you don’t feel wanted, but how much of a friend is she really anyway if she has seen your child improve, and she does this?

I am sorry you are going through this. It is very painful to see your child struggle and to then have to deal with unsupportive people. I agree with @Ted27. Your child struggles with social interactions and the only way to learn is for them to make experiences that are well supported and managed.

NO! PLEASE don’t give up the group your little one enjoys. I couldn’t agree more with the previous post from Ted. You will face so much discrimination from other people along your journey; everyone ‘likes’ the ‘happy ending’ idea of adoption and they pretend to be understanding of your children’s issues, but the reality is that there can sometimes be very little compassion and recognition that adoption is not an overnight quick fix or ‘cure’ but rather a long and winding road (14 years in here).

I would however start to chart the build-up to any hitting incidents (literally, keep a notebook and write down every detail) so you can start to identify a pattern ie hungry/hangry/unexpected break from the norm or routine so you can more effectively try to pre-empt any outbursts.

I’m no expert and I’m happy to be proven wrong, but I also feel that your child’s nursery’s behaviour is discriminatory and possibly illegal? Please do speak to your LA Virtual School pre-school expert for guidance.

I would also add that I had some weird/off experiences with other mums (typically, the Tiger Mums) at groups and primary school, when my elder DD, now 14, was younger; they were always on my DD’s back about silly things and waiting to catch her doing something wrong. It was almost as if they were a bit worried the ‘adoption’ could be catching and she was from ‘bad blood’. Now, my DD is an absolute bugger at home, but her school tells me she is one of the politest, most considerate, respectful and well-mannered children they have.

Please don’t rule out neurotypical-diversity in the mix with our children and it could possibly help you get diagnoses sooner rather than later if you start logging everything now and asking for help from your adoption support agency and your Virtual School. I write with the bitter voice of experience as my DD was only recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism at the age of 14. Honestly, not everything is simply because trauma and attachment.

Im so sorry to hear this, what an awful sad thing for that mum to do. A 3.5 year old needs to learn and have time being social, and in nature, and a forest school is so so the perfect place, it will have just so many benefits for you both. I dont think you should feel restricted to adoption groups at such a young age, lots of this age hit and it seems terribly unfair to be excluded like this. I would speak to her more and not stop going, maybe you can agree to alternate weeks, or agree to stay even closer alongside your child at all times so the other child can feel safe or something? Surely some compromise where all the children can benefit. Forest schools are big enough surely for space enough. Im so sorry this has been asked of you :(

Thank you so much for your swift, relevant and considerate replies. It has been a unanimous decision from everyone I have asked in my circle of friends too.
I found the courage to put it to this friend that we would try one last time before the end of term, making the course leader aware and that I would stay closer. She (my friend) has now rolled over like a pussy cat and said of course we can come back and not necessarily restrict ourselves to just one more session. She has apologised, saying maybe she was a bit rash and has been stressed lately anyway.
Who would have thought!? I particularly like the analogy of adoption being 'catching' because this is exactly how it feels sometimes. Thanks again everyone. Just what I needed.

good for you!

though I am a bit concerned that your ‘friend’ seems to think she can grant you permission to go. Its really nothing to do with her. It does feel like she could easily change her mind and try to stop you again

If she has an issue she should take it up with the course leader.

I was in a rush this morning and didnt have time to write more - I agree with Emmathestagerat about tiger mums, logging incidents and thinking about neurodiversity.
Hope you carry on enjoying forest school - my boy is a strapping 18 year old now, but he always enjoyed going

She (my friend) has now rolled over like a pussy cat and said of course we can come back and not necessarily restrict ourselves to just one more session.

Who is she to be granting permission or otherwise? If she has concerns about her child she needs to raise them with the group leader, not with you. Have the group leaders expressed concerns that your little one may not be coping, and if so how are the supporting him?

I’d not be discussing his attendance with her in future, it’s literally none of her business. If her son doesn’t feel safe she can support her son or speak to the organisers but she can’t gatekeeper the group.

it’s annoying because our kids potentially face assumptions and stereotypes about adoption, as parents we have a responsibility to put our child’s interests firmly at the centre of our decision making, which often means being at odds with other parents.

This friend sounds really controlling . Sorry but her feelings really aren't priority here. I'm not sure who she thinks she is to grant and deny you access to a mother and toddler group that she has nothing to do with other than being an attendee.

I'm probably long in the tooth but I'd be telling her to Fu(£ right off on her merry way.

l hear you and I would now be the same and those Tiger Mums would be ruing the day they had mistakenly taken on ferocious Adoptive Mama Bear! But I can totally remember those early months and years of placement, the desperation to fit in to the groups that had all bonded through NCT, before their children were actually born, the desire not to stand out because I couldn’t talk about birthing or breast feeding, the praying that my DD would not be THE kid to do the hitting or big tantrum-ing that week. I feel like we’re programmed through adoption training to be so hyper vigilant for issues and to think therapeutically so constantly that this can actually blur the boundaries somewhat in all our other dealings in the outside world.

I do agree that OP would be best not to let her ‘friend’ dictate the terms of her child’s attendance at the forest school group, but it does take a while to find one’s tribe after you’ve adopted. Fourteen years on, our tribe mainly consists of other adopters, because, well, they get it, and SEN families, because my DD1 has a severe disability as well as autism and ADHD.

I'd guess that you saying you would make the course leader aware is what caused the sudden change in your friend. It probably hadn't occurred to her that you would actually tell the leader the detail and she knows full well it would make her look really terrible and possibly cause the leader to ask her to leave.

Stick with whatever works for your child.

Hi again, today we're going back to the forest school for the first time since the debacle. I've read some of your recent messages to prepare myself and I know it's going to be harder work for me because I'll be helicoptering like mad. I didn't tell my friend directly that I'm making the course leaders aware, but I will try if there's a suitable moment. In the meantime, I've found a new forest school starting in September, so at least we have the option to f**k off out of my friend's hair. I know this isn't what everybody has been saying and maybe I'll feel differently after the session today if it goes well. I'll let you know

Hi again. So, further to my post this morning, we went to the session and I explained to the course leader that I had mixed feelings about it. She said that she had picked up on something happening at the end of the session two weeks previously and from the fact we hadn't been since. I asked if we could have a chat with the person involved, my friend and also told her I thought this was a good idea. She wasn't very keen to do this and eventually I found out, by speaking to her on her own that she has felt increasingly worried about my son's unpredictability around her son and just wants to be able to go somewhere she can relax. So - upshot is, we didn't get anywhere but I did get support from the forest school leaders and I did air to my friend that we feel socially excluded, even if she couldn't really hear that from me. If she doesn't change her mind, even having heard the course leaders reassurances that they will help by making transitions easier and more obvious, at least there is forest school running elsewhere that I can easily get to on the same day. But it has highlighted my need to ask for more support where it is forthcoming and I am now back on the merry-go-round of trying to get more funding so we can increase his nursery 1:1 support from 8 to 15 hours - worth a try. Thanks again for the support.