Where to start

[BabyLlamaZen]

I’m sorry if this has been asked before. We’re not necessarily there yet but having trouble with conceiving our second and for various reasons we may consider adoption over fertility treatments. So I guess I’m looking for information before we are ‘there’.

We’d want to adopt a baby if we do, which we know is v unusual in the UK. Are there also international adoption possibilities and how does that work?

Both DH and I have family members who went through international adoption which has worked incredibly well for them - but they live in in the USA and Australia so the systems may be totally different to here UK and we’re not sure how it works.

Any pointers for anything would be really helpful. We just want to start with some reading and knowing how it works before we do anything official. Thanks.

[Noimaginationforaun]

I’m so sorry you are having trouble with your fertility. Most of us here have been through that and do understand how awful
it is!

What I would advise is you go to a couple of opening evenings and starting researching adoption trauma - especially linked with babies being adopted from different cultures and countries.

Understandably, your post does read a lot as ‘we can’t get a baby in the UK so will just go abroad’ - it is not that easy and adoption brings with it a lot of trauma and a whole different way of parenting.

adoption.resources.uk is a great account to follow on Instagram for information and recommendations.

Good luck on your journey!

[BabyLlamaZen]

I’m so sorry, I know it does read like that and probably sounds very insensitive. We’re at the stage where we really want another baby so that’s the truth really. Maybe that will change.

We also only know people who’ve done international adoption so it’s more normalised for us (but I suppose that’s because it’s much more obvious when it’s international and interracial!)

I will have a look at the resources. Thank you.

[Ted27]

I don’t think its that unusual to adopt a baby in the UK, I know lots of people placed with babies. Have a look at Foster to Adopt.

International adoption is very expensive and you will need to factor in spending time in that country. The www.icacentre.org.uk is good for information

[claireb7rg]

It's not unusual to want a baby in the UK, the majority of adopters want a baby which is why the wait for matching with a baby is longer. Majority of babies are through epp (early permanence) or Foster to adopt.

We wanted older siblings so were matched relatively quickly.

We had fertility issues and decided to adopt instead of fertility treatment

[BabyLlamaZen]

What’s early permanence?

I’ve been looking at foster to adopt and I’m not sure I could do it :( especially as I have a child already and not sure how that would affect him if the baby then had to leave us.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Putting the wanting a baby to one side for the moment.

Mainly they will want any child you adopt to be at least 2 years younger than your youngest, and a bigger gap may be better.
They will want you to have 'drawn a line' under conceiving and come to terms with it, possibly some counselling included at at least 6months since stopping trying.
If planning to adopt overseas you need to have picked your country, and you'll have to pay for the assessment. Plus of course there will be extra costs with visiting/staying & collection.
Babies can be more 'unknown' than older children where any problems may have had a chance to become visible.
You will obviously have to be open with the child that they are adopted - to bring them up knowing.

[BabyLlamaZen]

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

Putting the wanting a baby to one side for the moment.

Mainly they will want any child you adopt to be at least 2 years younger than your youngest, and a bigger gap may be better.
They will want you to have 'drawn a line' under conceiving and come to terms with it, possibly some counselling included at at least 6months since stopping trying.
If planning to adopt overseas you need to have picked your country, and you'll have to pay for the assessment. Plus of course there will be extra costs with visiting/staying & collection.
Babies can be more 'unknown' than older children where any problems may have had a chance to become visible.
You will obviously have to be open with the child that they are adopted - to bring them up knowing.

That’s why we’re still very much in the thinking about everything phase. This has all been very useful though. It may be this isn’t for us after all and if it is, the journey will be a long one.

[tonyhawks23]

I always recommend adoption uk as a fantastic place to start. They have great webinars to help start you learning, including one on adopting with birth children, and they have regular prospective adopter meet ups on zoom which are so helpful and supportive. Their Adoption Baraometer is also amazing resource for realities of adoption in the UK. Id also get some books from the library start you off, such as sally donovons no matter what is a good starting point. Also on here somewhere is a list of good tv resources. If you have amazon prime I would completely recommend watching This is Us, and if you have Apple TV watch Tring, also helpful. Yes you have to be completely committed to the process, its not an easy one as takes a long time, and you also need a gap (I think ours had to be 2 years) between ages, tbh I am glad our gap was bigger than this as they all need a lot of attention when you adopt.

[BabyLlamaZen]

Why ‘this is us’? Is it an accurate depiction because I thought it was fiction? I’ll look it up though.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

My youngest was placed at 2.5, but in a lot of ways she was just a 'big baby'. She was still in nappies, still having 3 bottles of milk per day, small for her age in 18mnth babygrows. She was toddling but unsteady, and only just linking words.

Anyway, back to babies. There will be 2 types of babies up for adoption:

• relinquished babies (whose mothers actively choose for them to be adopted)
• removed babies (where it is considered unsafe for the baby to remain in the mothers care)

[tonyhawks23]

Yes this is Us is fiction, but its a really beautiful depiction of interracial adoption that is brilliant at really bringing to life issues around it on identity, contact etc. Well worth a watch for anyone considering adoption, espcially interracial adoption imo.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

if adopting from abroad I think you will be asked to show how you can promote links to their home culture. So if you live in a multicultural area or already have link to a country that might not be too hard. Not so easy if you live in a rural village in Wiltshire.

If adopting in the UK you will likely be asked to have some ongoing letterbox contact (or even face to face).

You also need to make sure you would want an adopted child for themselves, not just as a playmate for DC1.

[BabyLlamaZen]

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

My youngest was placed at 2.5, but in a lot of ways she was just a 'big baby'. She was still in nappies, still having 3 bottles of milk per day, small for her age in 18mnth babygrows. She was toddling but unsteady, and only just linking words.

Anyway, back to babies. There will be 2 types of babies up for adoption:

• relinquished babies (whose mothers actively choose for them to be adopted)
• removed babies (where it is considered unsafe for the baby to remain in the mothers care)

Do you mind me asking how your daughter is doing now? I can understand it can be very different with children who have gone through early trauma.

Do you tend to see more children who have been taken for a particular reason or does it really vary? I would understand keeping contact open in some way. I do understand that it is different to conceiving naturally. I know it’s about what’s best for the child overall.

[BabyLlamaZen]

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

if adopting from abroad I think you will be asked to show how you can promote links to their home culture. So if you live in a multicultural area or already have link to a country that might not be too hard. Not so easy if you live in a rural village in Wiltshire.

If adopting in the UK you will likely be asked to have some ongoing letterbox contact (or even face to face).

You also need to make sure you would want an adopted child for themselves, not just as a playmate for DC1.

Oh definitely it’s because we would want to give that child a home and love it deserves and bring it up in our family. I know it’s different to conceding naturally and we would have to be sensitive to all of that. I just have to think of the impact on my current child as well.

From what I’ve read, I like the idea of fostering to adopt im just not sure how well we’d cope.

[Ted27]

Every child’s history is unique but they will have been removed for abuse or neglect. In the mix you could have
physical abuse
sexual abuse
emotional abuse
domestic violence
parents unable to keep children safe because of drink or drug addiction, mental health issues, learning difficulties/ disabilities
extreme neglect, children not fed, clothed properly, extremely poor living conditions

research deveopmental trauma, Feotal Alcohol syndrome.

most adopted children have some level of additional need, probably need support at school, likely to need theraputic input at some point.
Some children are very complex and challenging.

My son is fairly typical - ASD, learning difficulty, developmental trauma. He is a cracking young man, but we have certainly had our challenges. No regrets though.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

My DD2 was doing 'OK-ish' prior to the pandemic (somewhat impacted by DD1's issues) but fell off a cliff emotionally & academically during the lockdowns. However with various help she is getting pieced back together again and has just completed her first year at college.