10 months in…..struggling

[Jobionekenobi]

Our LO is a couple of months off of 4 years old. She came home to us pretty much on her 3rd birthday.

This past few weeks has been hell (previous 9 months have just been mostly awful). I confided to my husband the other day that I - even this far on, still don’t feel I have much of a bond with her. I am protective of her, because of course I am. Do I look at her gooey eyed…honestly. No.

Her behaviour is absolutely dreadful, for 10 months she has hit me, bitten me….at one point, no kidding, my arms were almost totally black up and down from so many bites. It’s hard to bond with a child who is constantly trying to hurt you.

She just ignores literally everything I say, but it usually ends up with her hitting me or scratching, or kicking or biting. She is generally just screaming no at everything I say.

i have no family as such. My husbands family are great - but love 2 hours and 11 hours away. I don’t have a big support network at all.

i just keep thinking really destructive thoughts, like…during intro’s when I was having second thoughts, I should have listened to myself, pre adoption order I was having second thoughts but was worried what people would think of me, family and the amount of money we had spent.

I feel so utterly confused and keep hoping it will get better. Of course, my husband gets the cute version of LO, mostly. But he is getting some of the same behaviour so he at least understands.

has anyone been in this situation? Am I just tired and overwhelmed having gone into parenthood straight in at threenager?

Our DD is 3 and has been with us 8 months. It is hard. We had moments and recently it has got harder with hitting and much screaming and a whole lot of repetitive "no!". We didn't have that behaviour from the start so I guess more of a chance to see her rather than just the threenager her. And we have found it hard recently.
With her starting nursery I've had a little, not much, but a little me time and head space and that has helped. Is yours in nursery? Joining the world of parenthood IS hard and having gone in at this age I really do think it's even more overwhelming and completely in at deep end. I mean they can walk, talk, have their own opinions and preferences and then throw in the strops and a head strong and determined little lady and of course you are overwhelmed and for sure tired. I am there with you. It is a stage and I think that's harder to remember too as you wonder if they're always like this cos this is the stage of random and chaos that you've been thrown into.
Are you getting any support with post adoption stuff like theraplay or anything? Are there any adoption groups in your area. I have found that useful, extra support and people who will completely get it and you know not judge you. It is tricky and some strategies work better than others for things.
Sending virtual hugs. You have got this, the feelings will come, it's hard with this stage and it's still early days.

Contact your SW and push for support. It’s an uphill struggle, but support for yourself and for the child. The sooner you start, the better

Yes definitely go back to your agency. We had a really rough time at Christmas and have had some good support since. Also helps to try and separate the behaviour from the child. Also try and make time for yourself to have a break and do something nice for you.

Also finding other adoptive parents to chat to helped me.

@Jobionekenobi I'm so sorry. This sounds very hard.

I hope you can get some support from post adoption support.

I would recommend some Theraplay. Ask post adoption support if you can have this. My son was not as difficult as your daughter sounds but he had some issues and Theraplay did help.

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/insights-and-news/family-issues/item/8-things-you-need-to-know-about-theraplay#:~:text=It%20works%20by%20regulating%20the,children%20gain%20more%20emotional%20regulation.

"Theraplay is a structured form of play therapy supporting parents and children to feel more connected. The aim is to enhance attachment, self-esteem and trust in others.

It's not a magic bullet but it can help, I hope.

Thanks everyone. It’s true, i the child from the behaviour is something I need to remind myself more - I do already, but in the moment maybe sometimes I don’t. I do need to constantly remind myself that she may be almost 4 but developmentally she isn’t.

I haven’t been to the adoption agency for support as they have been extremely unhelpful when I’ve been absolutely desperate. End of last year, meal times were literally driving me downwards hard and fast. Meal times easily took up 5 or 6 hours a day. They suggested an ed psych, so when I asked for one, they said if course….the waiting list is 3 1/2 months. I told them to stuff it. They offered me video interactive guidance where they filmed me and LO doing ‘stuff’ and then we just talked about the good things we noticed. How this helped me deal with behaviour, I’ve yet to know.

i think part of the problem has been isolation. I’ve been unable to take her back to some groups lile song time at the library as she upsets other kids by taking the toys they’ve chosen to play with as she refuses to settle and take part. I took her to toddler group a few times, she just screamed for 45 minutes - I am guessing because it overwhelmed her - this was in the earlier months of the placement to be fair.

she is in nursery, and that has been amazing….but I’ve had so many appointments, specialists etc, that until a couple of months ago it didn’t work out much time to myself! Nursery have been brilliant, but they struggle with her and just got portage opened up again to support them and me.

I confided to my husband that I am struggling to find the joy to be around her, when she is around him, she is still awful to me. I think that’s not unusual to be fair! we tried taking her to a zoo last week, it was awful from about 5 minutes stepping through the entrance. It was hours and hours of constant tantrums. So it feels like we can’t really go anywhere as a family as this is fairly standard behaviour. I think that makes me feel a little sad too really.

i guess I need to just work through it and I’ll consider seeing if the agency will be any help this time. I am slightly sceptical! I’m also slightly mistrustful as I really don’t think we were given the whole picture with our LO.

Jobione (awesome name btw) Im so sorry to hear how it is for you and think you are right, isolation will make such a difference - best thing helped me through was nattering honestly with my friend while the kids played together. I have found certain toddler groups really helpful too so maybe give that a try again? Adoption meet ups would be the most helpful Im sure. I always recommend Adoption UK community groups or the zoom early days meet ups would be well worth checking out because that kind of support is so good. I think its really good youve reached out here as talking about it is so good. Adoption UK also have useful webinars on theraplay etc if youve not seen them. I also always recommend toddler yoga as really good for helping attachment and for helping them learn to self regulate and calm down. It does sound like you need the agency to provide proper support though, that level of hurting you sounds really awful and isnt ok, I hope they can help you and her.

Thanks, yeah. I think the other issue is most of my friends have older children which isn’t ideal. I did meet another couple going through assessment and they aren’t so far away, maybe I’ll reach out to them. The toddler group I went to also seemed really clicky! So maybe I’ll try another one, maybe the environment wasn’t making her comfortable too.

i hadn’t heard of toddler yoga! I’ll check that out, thanks!

and thank you, although I feel monumentally silly spilling my guts on here to a group of strangers, it’s helped a little that no one has told me I’m an awful person which is how I was feeling!

Definitely worth getting a toddler yoga book to do together and see if you can find a class, or if not try cosmic yoga on youtube, its super kid friendly.
and definitely not silly, talking it out helps soo much. Your not remotely awful, it sounds really tough.

I found alot of the toddler groups, softplays etc etc so stressful for the first year. LO just got overwhelmed by the environments and then all the worst behaviours came out in force (hitting, throwing, tantrums etc) I found going to the adoption groups much better tbh as everyone there 'got it' whereas trying to deal with behaviour and non adoption parents at normal groups was just stressful.
The best advice which I just didn't follow for the first year was to stop battling everything. Let them eat what they will eat (within reason), give them screen time, only do things you know they will enjoy, and enjoy the time they are at nursery to socialise or sleep etc. Mine used to love a bath so regularly gave him an impromptu extra bath midday to break up the tantrums and keep him in one place for 20 mins. I found that doing this really helped them settle and build attachment. After doing that for a good few months I felt we all relaxed and now we can do the family stuff like zoos much more easily.
It's really tough but just focus on attachment and once they are feeling secure all the things you want to change will be much easier to achieve.

she is showing you she doesn’t feel safe, she has likely experienced huge trauma and she has been with you such a short time, she might not understand she is with you forever.

VIG (video interactive guidance) is about building your bond, there are times however brief, maybe even a few seconds, when she is calm and trusting you, it ‘catches’ those moments, you feel she hates you, VIG will show you she doesn’t and help you build on those moments when things are good and try and increase them by showing how you supported her and, gave her the response she needed in that moment, therefore increasing your understanding of her and that will build your relationship.

she needs to feel safe and secure before she can enjoy activities, imagine if you were feeling really scared and in danger, your instinct is to find a safe place, quiet, calm, soothing.

here is a fantastic resource, I use it a lot in my work, you might find it helpful.

beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/What-Survival-Looks-Like-At-Home.pdf

Thanks, yes. We do a lot of work around helping her to learn to build trust and feel safe. She needs a lot of reassurance and we make sure she has it…at bed times etc we do a lot of things with her to help her feel more safe.She actually has always been brilliant at bed times, she is the incredible sleeping child! She is however, now waking up mega early and tearing her room apart resulting in a toy and clothing out of their drawers explosion! But that’s pretty normal for her age and how light the mornings are.

i think my issue with VIG was that we were made to feel we had to do it, but when I desperately desperately needed help, they could ‘t give it to me and offered me that instead. It was nice to see, but it wasn’t what I needed at all. I needed really practical help, and that wasn’t it. The worst part is the VIG was done by a Ed Psych who could totally have helped me with what I needed if asked - but the agency didn’t use her for stuff like that - only VIG.

i’ll check out that link, thank you :)

That sounds really tough. The lack of support and understanding from professionals can be really difficult. Lots don’t just “get it” but have read about behaviour without lives experiences (in my experience). Feelings of isolation will be overwhelming at times especially if you don’t have friends or family who have been through the same. This sounds like it’s compounded by your daughter displaying different behaviour with your husband. It all adds to how you are feeling. I’ve been there and it’s tough.

it sounds like you are doing a lot that’s right for your little one but sometimes that’s hard to see. Think about one element of your day or of her behaviour that you are finding difficult. Is it the mornings? If you approach it from a point of view of what happened to you to cause the behaviour ans what are you trying to communicate from the behaviour you might be able to work out a strategy that might work eg was she left alone on waking with birth family? Could it be from a place of fear? On waking, what does she do? Is it a case of when she called no one came so she doesn’t call out? If this is the case, could a two way baby monitor help? Could you set an alarm and be in her room so she doesn’t wake alone? I obviously don’t know your little one or the behaviour apart from what you describe but I wonder if talking it through with someone with questioning the need and then finding the solution in an non emotive way helps?

also, what sort of support are you getting? Do you still have the opportunity to socialise and do the things you enjoy? That’s incredibly important but the thing we give up first when caring for our families. Can you go back to routines and make sure you have time tabled time for you?

you are just getting to know each other and adoption is hard. Looking after a toddler is hard (look at other parts of the website). Add in trauma, attachment and other additional needs (which probably aren’t all apparent yet) it’s no wonder you are finding things rough.

you can do this. You do so much for your daughter and family and be proud of it and be proud of her. You are still coming together as a family and keep reaching out and talking through everything.

You poor thing. It sounds so hard. I am just browsing the adoption threads as someone close to me is looking at adoption, my own children are biological. But for what it’s worth, my eldest son is autistic and very similar to how you describe your daughter. Context and reasons are different, but i understand when you say it’s hard to love a child when they are attacking you. I suppose i just wanted to share that this isn’t that you ‘did’ adoption wrong… it’s a feature of parenting a difficult child. In my darker moments i have commented that having my son feels like a life sentence, like i’m being punished for some crime in a past life.

I found reading ‘the explosive child’ and ‘my child is different’ really helpful.

Also i found connecting with other special needs parents brilliant. I know your daughter doesn’t have special needs per se, but the SEN community tend to be quite accommodating and as SEN kids act out all the time they will be very relaxed about playdates! I say this as by trying to connect with SEN groups you may be casting your net a bit wider.

Something struck me also about your zoo story which is something i had to learn the hard way - which is to parent the child you have rather than the one you thought you’d have. I’ve had to stop doing stuff i thought my son would like (disneyland - disaster!) and just do stuff he likes. He likes walking in the forest when it’s quiet. He likes playing with his bakugan toys. So that’s what the whole family does. It means he’s basically a tiny dictator but at least he’s not screaming and his brother is learning more empathy i guess.

Good luck. Ask for help. X

Also try not comparing your daughter to others and try not to get too hung up about what other parents think. Easier said than done. But parenting an adopted child can be very different. Maybe look for adoption uk groups on your area?