3 year old hitting

[Kitkatcrunchie]

LO is 3 and a half and has been with us 9 months. Her tantrums and frustration moments, mostly I handle them alright I think, we're muddling along alright. Sometimes though she will escalate to hitting out at me or throwing something. Any advice on what I can do in the moment? Sometimes it is done in frustration or anger, others it seems a bit more of a decision to push further as she can look me in the eye and hold up her hand ready to hit out at me or grab something to throw. when she hits, it's not actually very hard or it's something soft she throws. Though I do worry this could escalate further. I try different things like remind her that hitting hurts and try and name her feelings, mine, I tell her I'll remove myself, though she'll then cry but follow me back out of the room and carry on. She also doesn't like being separated from me so not sure if that makes it worse actually.
I know she's testing me and has found a trigger here of something I feel I need to react to more but I feel lacking in the moment. It is only me who gets this behaviour. I am normally calm, consistent and there with her in the moments but on this she really seems to be needing to push even further. She'll even act out toys hitting each other sometimes so she's clearly working through some things. Any ideas, tips and reassurances would be most welcome please.

My 3yo hits when frustrated and I haven't found a great solution yet but some things that work are...

Basically ignoring it. I just say "no" in a neutral way and move either him or the target out of the way.

Being playful and turning it into a game or a high five.

When he's calmer and regulated we have pillow fights.

Show him what he can do instead, marching and stomping are very successful in our house.

We have very similar behaviour with our 3.5 year old and things have improved a lot since they came to us four months ago.

We’ve done a mix of things like piratemam above.

• try to head off tantrums but obviously you sometimes really can’t

• take confident big steps back when the tantrum starts to place yourself in sight but at a safe distance. This stops accidental hitting from general thrashing about and makes you a less tempting target as you’re not so accessible

• redirect the hit - so last week my son ran at me to hit me (I’d had to say no to something) and instead of moving away I reached out for his hands and pulled him into me for a hug which then calmed him. We’ve also used the high five trick or suddenly been very enthusiastic about the new ‘game’ we’re playing ie a toy is thrown then we enthusiastically grab loads of soft toys and a basket and start throwing them together etc This also avoids giving the hitting attention.

• I think it’s fine to have a firm conversation (at a later time) about how hitting is not acceptable. Our son has been violent in the past and needed the expectation spelling out for him. We have also used some of the strategies from the A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting. Last time he hit my wife I bustled in with an ice pack and made a fuss of her ‘injury’. He was very keen to join in soothing her injury as well which was nice to see.
• As above, don’t react. They want attention and are upset in some way so lash out. It can be very hard to do this. The other day when I knew my son was going to try to hit me repeatedly I announced loudly that I was just nipping into the garden to do something. This meant I was not allowing him to hit me but he could also see me through the open patio on doors. Sometimes this has the advantage of introducing a new activity that will distract him.

• We’ve also made a big effort to do lots of feelings work. So naming the need but also toddler feelings books and us modelling out loud how we’re feeling. This can be fun as you act out the feelings and come up with ways to express different ones together. You can then try to pre-empt hitting when you see them becoming dysregulated and start one of the activities you’ve practised like stamping.

I generally try to avoid having to leave as when they’re worked up/dysregulated they need you the most although I have had to do it on occasion. I have before now said very firmly ‘Not safe, stay on the rug’/‘Not safe, I am sitting here now’ or something similar and that’s worked as a last resort. The tantrum continues but it means I can stay in the room.

Can you introduce legitimate hitting opportunities? I’m thinking bat and ball, punchbag, stress/sensory ball.

We do play some different games for those hitting opportunities, I do wonder if its something she tries more as it got more of a reaction than some other stroppy things she's done. I will try some of the suggestions I haven't tried yet so thank you both so much. There are some really handy ones that I think would work well with her.

@Samthecatswife are there any particularly good books you can recommend around angry feelings I could get?

A friend leant us Little Unicorn Is Angry which we like. You can get a different unicorn book for each emotion (their mane changes colour depending on what they’re feeling) and the anger one includes breathing exercises to practise together.

The other books we’ve used are much more basic ones as although our little one is heading for 4 his emotional age is definitely not there! He also loves lift the flaps books. Find Out About Feelings from Pat a Cake and Feelings by Toddler’s World go down very well.

He also came with Alligator is Angry which we’ve kept up with.

We’ve bought a couple of the Sarah Naish books; Rosie Rudey and the very annoying parent and Sophie Spikey has a very big problem but I think he’s not quite there yet.

The Great Big Book of Families is great- I think there might be a feelings version? I’ll check.

What we’ve tried to do so far is not focus so much on anger to the detriment of discussing other feelings in the hopes of finding some balance. He really needed to go back to basic of naming, recognising and identifying emotions as everything was either happy or sad before.

Just checked and there is a Great Big Book of Feelings so that’s on our shopping list now. Some good suggestions on this list too:
www.booktrust.org.uk/booklists/a/anger-and-temper-tantrums/

Brilliant thank you 😁👍

My 2 year old dd is currently in hitting phase and its really rubbish, but my eldest two went through it and would never hit now (8 and 6) so Im confident dd will be fine too and learn to regulate her emotions safely.

Iv found- complete consistency, calmness & firmness, removal from situation every time, eg can no longer play this game its clearly too much for you, can no longer play with ... until you can learn playing nicely, etc in the moment, giving minimal attention for it just very clearly its not ok, hurting is never ok. etc. If seems like could go ok after a time sitting with me I may say ok, i know you can play nicely, your so kind with such gentle hands, shall we try a second chance at this etc.etc. So only when calm and they can then take in the learning.

Really important to manage the environment to remove potential stressers etc, if finding things too exciting and wild etc, or to chance where they sit if known to hit etc. And to notice when they are getting disregulated and respond before they get to hitting stage and help them calm down. Mine does yoga & I cant recommend that enough for helping calm, so when I notice shes getting cross/frustrated I can help her take her breaths and calm right down. Its such a helpful thing to do yoga, you could try cosmic yoga on you tube or get a toddler yoga book.

Watch Bing with them if you havent seen it, the episode called Tea Party where Bing gets so cross he pushes Sula so Flop helps him out is angry in a cloud by breathing and thats great.Theres also a great youtube video I think its elmo and Belly Breathe.

Ive just finished reading "Help your child deal with stress and thrive, the transformative power of self-reg" and that was really helpful.

We have an emotions board which I got from amazon to help them name & express their emotions and definitely talk it through, talk your emotions etc when they are calm. Thats actually helpful that they play it with toys as you can run with that and show them what you want them to do from that, and what happens when you hurt people etc (friends stop playing I mean).

I wouldnt use any way of getting out angry through hitting, Id use breathing and calm down etc. Gentle hands chat when calm etc.Lots of positive praise and attention when doing things well (oo you shared so nicely there, awesome sharing skills etc, or ooo I saw you were feeling really cross there and then managed to calm down etc etc...)

Its always helpful to remember its normal for kids to go through this.

Adoption UK may have some good resources too.

Sorry am writing quick due to having a 2 year old so apologies if too rushed and its kind of a monologue of what we do/have done, as i think, but may be completely not helpful to you & you probably do this anyway!

@tonyhawks23 thanks for your reply. Some really nice ideas and points and so nice to be reminded its a phase and it does get better as well as knowing I'm on the right track with some of the things I do too. Always helpful to have some extra ideas for sure. I can keep plodding through till it clicks with her.
I know as well there have been a few changes for her recently so that ups the behaviour and feelings. I try and think of it as positive as well that she can show me all of her emotions.
We are definitely going to try some yoga too, think she'll be up up trying that. 😊