Death

[Mama1980]

I used to post regularly on here but haven't for a while. I just want to vent a little I hope that's ok.
My dd's birth mum died a few days ago - dd1 is taking it well, she's moved on. Years of therapy have given her a good set of coping mechanisms - she's sad but feels it was inevitable (drug overdose)
Dd2 has never known another mother but me, she was born addicted, has medical issues and does not have the ability to understand.
I just feel frozen to my bones. My dd's bm was my friend once, she was lovely, kind and so so scared when she fell pregnant at 15 and was abandoned by her parents and then the system.
I want to cry and rage at the universe, but no one wants to to hear it.

@Mama1980

so sorry to read this.
You can cry and rage at the universe all you need to here.
Its never easy when you see a life which will have started with promise, end so early and badly. Tragic in the true sense of the word.
I know its early days but have you given any thought to attending the funeral with your older daughter?
Take care x

That’s all very hard, rage as much as you want to here, and o anyone in real life who would listen without judgement. The loss of life is tragic, the loss of potential equally so and you’re also supporting both children with the impact of her behaviours and her death. And that’s before the impact on you of seeing the awful life trajectory of someone who was a friend - who will no doubt have their own equally difficult life circumstances which brought them to this place.

Let yourself rage and rant and cry - it’s all needed and natural. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Thank you both for your kind words. They are very much appreciated.
It's been a very odd few days.
My eldest doesn't wish to attend the funeral, she has made her peace with her birth mother and doesn't feel the need. She's not angry, or upset, she's just indifferent and my goodness she's earned the right to be. She has talked things through with her very long term therapist though who both reassured me and fully supports her decision.

For me though I'm struck by just how fine the line is between love and hate, when you care about someone. I loved bm as my childhood friend. I tried so hard but I was just a child myself I had no idea how to help her. Then when I remember my eldest clinging to me, digging her nails so deep into my arms that she drew blood over and over just because she so scared that I would leave I would get so angry. When I calmed my dd from yet another nightmare I would literally see red I was so angry. When I watch my youngest have seizure after seizure, when I watched her as a newborn go through withdrawal.....I hate her bm for doing that.

But I still miss my friend, it all just seems such a waste. She had dreams, ambitions she wasn't always an 'addict' written off by everyone. Did she feel that I abandoned her? When I chose my daughters I had to move, to cut myself off from whole sections of my family. We were protected by legal orders barring bm from hurting us anymore.
I think and I hope that I did what she wanted me to, but I can't shake the feeling that I should have done more. Been better, known better, been able to help her. Not logical I know.

She died alone. Did the ambulance crew treat her with respect or did they just think here we go again?
Im sitting here watching my youngest settle down to sleep, and I am just really really sad.

Mama1980 I’m so sorry for your loss and sadness. I just wanted to say that I have a family friend who is a paramedic and she has done a lot of work with people who are addicted. She was always very clear that people who are addicted are human beings and deserve respect when they are struggling and in a crisis. She always tried to do her very best for the people she worked with. I hope that helps xx

Been better, known better, been able to help her. Not logical I know.

It sounds like you did the best you could at the time, and in giving her children a home you’ve given them a future they simply wouldn’t have had with their birth mum. It sounds like she had very complex needs - addiction is always complex, almost always trauma driven and is incredibly hard even for experienced specialists to fathom.

I wonder if you can mourn your much loved childhood friend, and also be angry about the parts of her that harmed your children? Room for both sets of feelings, space to express both. It sounds like there was much to love and much to be angry about.

Most of all, know that you did what you could for her and her children, you’re still there, still caring, still present for those girls - that’s not nothing.

Much love to you as you work through this, you sounds like an incredible friend.

@Mama1980

I think its natural to grieve for that lost potential, I remember previous posts from you.
You have her children and are giving them the best you can, no one could do more.
You say she died alone, is there anyone to arrange the funeral? Im not suggesting that you should be involved in that at all and I understand that your daughter doenst feel the need to go to the funeral, but maybe you do?
Whatever you do I think its important that you say goodbye in some way, to grieve for the friend she was and the life she wasnt able to have.
And there are many ways you could do that without going to the funeral.

I'm so sorry for your loss.