So... Honestly, this was wrong

[DodoBaggins]

I have no need to share details of my situation. I just need to know what your thoughts are, as much as you can share. No matter how far you are into the journey. Have you adopted and actually that wasn't the right decision.

We did. We adopted. We shouldn't have. We have the wrong match. We will never give up on this child, but we shouldn't be here. This has never been the right match. We should have been challenged that this wasn't right and we should have challenged ourselves.

If you feel comfortable please share for you.

Honestly? We were naïve, we didn't do the one thing that was drummed into us all through training which was to drill down into the information we were given and get more specifics from the child SW. The focus was all on can you share a difficult life story and maintain their cultural identity rather than looking at how that history would/could affect our LO growing up. We should not have proceeded based on the paperwork we were given. That being said, we adore our child and would never give them up or give up on them.

Don’t know if this is a reply you’re wanting!

Our adoption process (felt) very long. We went to the open evening, researched adoption for about 7-8 months before taking the step into stage 1. I‘m a bit of an over planner so we did a lot of research during and I continue to do that now.

Our LO is absolutely the right match for us. We are happy, content and it does feel like this was just the right path for us. Not saying it’s all joy and happiness every day but it’s just normal, family stuff! LO feels like they’ve always been here and just fits so well with our immediate and wider family.

Saying that, we won’t adopt again. We feel like we’ve been so lucky with LO and them being such a perfect match that it just couldn’t be replicated. We don’t want to disrupt our little family because we aren’t naive to the adoption disruptions and have friends who have had many issues regarding their LOs histories etc and, being honest, who even knows what will happen 10 years down the line with our LO.

Adoption is complicated!

@Noimaginationforaun this is exactly how I feel. I know logically I'd have loved whichever child was matched with me and TinyFool would've become part of whichever family, but it completely feels like we are the perfect match and did right from the start of coming home together.

In theory I'm drawn to adopting again as I'd love one of each gender, but I'm aware of how lucky I am and I can't bring myself to risk that. There's a level of broody for sure, but also a feeling that it'd be a mistake. What's the chances of being matched again so perfectly?

And again, it's not all rainbows and unicorns, we've been going through a bit of a rough patch and it's unlikely to resolve any time soon, but at no point, even for a second, have I wondered if we are the right family for each other. No help to op, sorry, but maybe helpful to anyone still in the process reading this thread x

@DodoBaggins

I think that its a very brave thing to say.
Personally I feel the matching process is poor - it may be better now that it seems more common to have 'bump into meetings
For us its worked out, I can't imagine another child in my life but I do feel its been more luck than judgement
I hope you are getting support for whatever difficulties you are experiencing

I’m not really sure what ‘matching’ means anymore really. We are often told that we were a good ‘match’ for our two - but for the first year and a half it didn’t feel like it to me.

Four years in, and it all feels like we are revelling in our collective weirdness together…we are a perfect match. The kids are doing great, we’re doing great, we’ve had some bumps, but it feels like it was meant to be. I’m sure though that the SW’s didn’t have a crystal ball - I can’t honestly believe that they knew we’d be this good together, they were just looking for parents that they could confidently believe would cope (important to say here that when they met us at panel we were desperate to please, and they had two kids they were desperate to place - so nothing about any of us at that stage was that accurate).

I’d say we didn’t match at first - but right now we’re flying. I honestly believe that we have huge hurdles in front of us and I’m not sure how things will turn out and maybe in a few years I’ll reflect and think we weren’t a good match.

I guess I’m trying to say, it’s not a perfect science, it’s a very peculiar, artificial process that does try it’s best to get the right families for children, but cannot possibly be accurate because of the situation.

I think as long as you were not lied to or information was withheld, I think you have to believe that everyone had the best of intentions at the time and the panel had enough faith that you were the right parents at the time. Everyone involved (as long as they were in good faith) can only go on the information they had, at the time.

I think that it’s very hard to be given a child ‘on paper’ and know if that child is the right match for you and vice versa. Even though in theory introductions can be withdrawn from, having a child call you ‘mummy and daddy’ from day 1 of introductions makes that very hard to feel like you can do.
Our child is the right match for us entirely but I feel that was more luck than anything! They have a condition we said we wouldn’t take initially but then decided to proceed. This was a risk and it could have gone the other way and not been the right match longer term.

Unfortunately can't relate but interestingly the mummy and daddy friends I have made in the last couple of years have expressed concerns that their bio children are "alien" to them, they don't feel they understand them or are shocked with their interests e.g. sports when they like theatre or are very extrovert when they are introvert..
It made me think that actually it's common for even bio parents to feel they don't have their 'mini me's' they expected, not sure what my point is.. but food for thought...

My DS is the easiest person in the world to love but rather challenging to take care of. I was lucky in that I think the information I received about him was very accurate. But I think I was naive about exactly what meeting those needs would entail (e.g. last week I went to SEND Tribunal to try and secure more support). Certainly I was rather optimistic as a single adopter as to how I would combine work and parenthood.

I did adopt again and although I wouldn't be without DD for the world I wonder a lot if have done the right thing. So far DD is a much more straightforward child than DS but DS's behaviour since she joined our family (just over 2 years ago) has become so much more challenging and I wonder if I have done the right thing by them both.

OP thank you for being honest. I know so many of us on the journey will wish you every strength and respect you very much. we are in the process not yet matched. Too much competition and not enough children, therefore even though we have a wide criteria , we are looking at children that are outside it and thinking is this our only chance to be parents ? -even though we know that one of the prime indicators of disruption is diverging from original assessment of what a couple says they think they can handle. The only other option left seems to be early permanence and there they are usually too young to have a clear character or identifiable needs, so you are going into it even more blind- the concept of matching is even less anything more than the ‘best guess’. I am very very skeptical of the basis of any kind of matching other than sharing visual characteristics which will help the child feel they belong as they get older - of which some social workers seem more worried about than others. Hope things get better OP. Things grow with time and care quietly sometimes, .