Feeling down-3 year old wanting control

[Samthecatswife]

Hi everyone. I’ve found this forum really useful as me and my wife have been going through the adoption process but I’ve never posted myself. Our AS 3.5 has been with us for around 4 months now and overall we’re really happy. Things have calmed down a lot since the initial weeks and he’s seeming more settled with us and in himself everyday which is great. We have had some challenging behaviour as expected which is starting to ease off as we all get to know each other more and relax into/get used to routines. I’ve found the A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting great.

I’m posting as I’m finding it difficult this week to feel calm and positive which I know is in large part due to being unwell (big asthma flare up). Our son has a desperate need to be in control (understandably) and often will scream if a boundary is held. This has deceased in frequency a lot and he is starting to verbalise some feelings instead now in a basic way (Me sad for eg) so we’re managing to do something right and sometimes get to talk through feelings instead of ending up in an tantrum which is great.

He seems to cycle through the focus for his control so for a while it was teeth brushing and now it’s toiletting. He told me he needed a poo this morning and I said ok and held out my hand. He said he didn’t want to. I wondered out loud about how it can be hard to stop playing and why didn’t we make sure the toys were safe while we went and then we could carry on with X. He said no again so I replied with ok, I’m here if you want some help with it.

He was enraged. I think perhaps because I didn’t engage in trying to cajole him into it and facilitate him saying no over and over. I carried on pottering about and he followed me round screaming as loudly as he could alternating between I need a poo and I’m not doing it! Between periods of coming right up to me, making eye contact and screaming he was very calmly talking to himself and playing so he wasn’t overwhelmed with a distressing emotion if that make sense? He has a long history of screaming in foster care to get what he wants/dictate other people’s behaviour.

I feel at a loss as to how to respond to it and feel drained. I ended up saying I’m here if you need a hug or some help and got on with some ‘jobs’ in the same room so I was visible. He doesn’t have accidents, knows when he needs to go in time to get to a toilet/the potty and is very pleased to have the independence it brings. He usually likes the reassurance of me going with him but can do the whole toilet process himself.

We started doing ‘toilet time’ before we go out etc as suggested in the A-Z when he started saying no a couple of weeks ago and that was great for a while as he wasn’t directly asked and would just tag a long to the bathroom with one of us but the novelty has seemingly worn off.

Do I just leave him to it and weather any screaming that comes my way? After an hour he said ‘help with toilet please’ took my hand and led me upstairs and used the toilet independently with zero fuss.

He’s such a lovely little boy and we’re so pleased to have him with us but I am struggling with how much he seems to relish ‘picking a fight’ at the moment. I understand its a trauma response due to his early life and I’m sure once I’m fighting fit again my therapeutic parenting skills will come flooding back but I’m finding it hard this week.

Thanks.

Hi @Samthecatswife

hope you are feeling better
sorry I have no advice to offer - my son was way past potty issues when he arrived
just wanted to offer a cyber hug

Bless you. That sounds really tough, especially with feeling unwell too. It sounds like you and he are doing brilliantly though, well done.

I would just keep going with what you are doing and he will get there. I’ve found the book ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ really helpful so might be worth a read.

the other thing that has helped me has been asking myself if this will still be a problem when he is 15 and if the answers no, then to relax and try not to let it bother me too much.

keep going…you’ve got this!!!

Thanks everyone for the support. I do feel much better today and he’s just got on with using the toilet even when we were out at a cafe earlier and new toilets can make him a bit nervous. Maybe he needed to get it out of his system!

It can feel so isolating sometimes being the main carer especially when you’re not well. We’ve had a lovely morning and he’s skipped into nursery this afternoon 😊

I really like ‘How to talk so little kids will listen…’, it definitely echoes a lot of the therapeutic parenting mindset.

I can so relate to this. We have a 3 year old, with us 7 months. She has a need for control and I would say this heightened even more when she was realising she likes us and also if there was a transition she had a worry about. We haven't had it with toileting in the same way but that is something she will try to control too and is only potty trained the last few months.
I can get how it can get to you and be frustrating as I felt like that and it's only me she will scream with. It has lessened a lot. I've been consistent with saying I can't understand/ hear properly when she shouts/ screams as it hurts my ears. She is hugely better and will talk to me, ask me rather than screaming something at me out of frustration. I still try to give her choices so like with the toilet do you want to go with me or by yourself so she still feels in some control. Humour, keeping things light and sometimes letting her have a moment works for us though. I have found if I engage too much she escalates and gets more frustrated. I sympathise, see if she needs her hugs or kisses filling up, or if she is fully in the moment try to say little, just be there and if possible give a choice or turn into a bit of fun. For example we always go to thr toilet before we leave the house, otherwise she will just hold qs long as humanly possible. Half the time she doesn't want to, so smiling I joke about suddenly needing to go half way on our walk or say but that's what we always do isn't it then give a choice of by herself or with me. It generally works. It does get better, promise, it is all they've been through, they're realising they like you and want to make sure you like them too, it's conplete comfort in showing every emotion, it's them being 3 as well and finding their voices.
See if the choices can help and I'm sure when you're feeling better it helps too for sure. You sound like you're doing really well and that he's settling in. I have found the A-Z useful but not always completely handy for little ones. It also can take A LOT of repetition for some things to become the norm.
Hope this makes some sense, trying to write what I'm thinking but with tired 'toddler for company' brain ha

@Kitkatcrunchie That all makes a lot of sense, and is very relatable! I think as the control/screaming was very intense from the beginning and has improved every week it took me a bit by surprise with its intensity this weekend. He will also respond much better to playfulness now than earlier on- I think to start with it almost made him more angry and I wonder if he thought we weren’t recognising his feeling/he knew it was a way of still saying no or holding a boundary.

Yes too much of a response can absolutely make it worse for us too!Sometimes less is more and he needs a calm, neutral statement and some space and it will all de-escalate and then a bit of humour can help. I think I must sound really dull compared to all these parents that seem to ‘playful’ their way out of every situation. He is very determined which is great but it applies across the board and sometimes those stubborn feelings need to come out.

I think I need to remind myself that he will pass through this phase too. He’s dry at night and out of pull ups by choice and I just knew he was going to refuse the bedtime wee. I just said ok, tucked him in and reminded him the toilet was there if he needed it and 2 minutes later he took himself off. He’s definitely looking to see if we’ll enter a battle over things. I’m getting much better at seeming unconcerned about things!

We also have ‘toilet time’ before we leave the house and he did not today no bother- he actually reminded me! Whether he actually goes is another story but he was very pleased and kept telling himself ‘good try’.

I agree about the A-Z. I have spent a lot of time trying to work out the step below some of the strategies as I’m not sure how to apply to a toddler.

I feel your tired toddler for company brain 😴 My mum hung out with us this morning so I didn’t have to wheeze my way round the park too much and she’s cheered me up a lot.

Glad you've had some support and feeling better. Just even a short break can help can't it. This initial time is so intense, spending so much time together. Lovely but so full on. Thats sweet he was saying good try to himself.
I also think it's hard as the main carer as you get the brunt of it all. Like you say it's phases to go through, test and check us. We had a right moment this afternoon and our LO is so stubborn and determined too, like you say great traits but hard when they put up a wall. Especially when you don't know where its come from. I try to stick to calm, playful and endlessly patient but we can't be all the time. And there's no way people can be playful all the time. Your way doesn't sound dull, it sounds like you're getting to grips with how to help him so well done.
I so don't have it completely sussed yet.i figure out a way that works better for bath times and then it's doing teeth that's a pain etc. Etc lol. Like you, I have definitely been working on seeming unconcerned.
Hope you feel better soon

Hi Op I just wanted to give support and say I think you handled your example really well. It may take an hour for him to calm at the moment but you quietly standing your ground and not being reactive really helps I find. The time will become less.
We have the same with our 6 Yr old over the last 5 years but now much much less. As you say the different modes of control come and go. This will continue but in different ways so expect it to change but not go away.
I find Sarah fishers connective parenting really good advice and support. There's a Facebook page. It's all about maintaining and re establishing connection with your child to maintain a supportive relationship for them. Really recommend reading up on it if /when you have the brain space. Also known as NVR.
Wishing you well.

Thank you @Awumminnscotland It’s so good to speak to people who get it and I feel,so much better for posting. It helps so much to hear that sometimes you do just need to calmly ‘weather the storm’ from others as well. Our children have been through so much that of course they will have extreme reactions.

I remember when he came to us teeth brushing was a forced and upsetting affair which we didn’t want to continue with. I remember being advised to buy a novelty toothbrush and ‘make it fun’ and I was thinking it was bonkers that anyone thought a funky toothbrush would make him magically stop covering his mouth and hiding and retching and trust us to do it, We’ve managed to introduce some fun bits now 4 months in but it’s been a slog proving we won’t force but that it has to be done and earning his trust with it.

I will definitely look up Sarah Fisher, thank you I’ve not heard her name before.