Too old

[Newlywednearly50]

I’m 50 in Feb & my partner is 47. I have 2 amazing grown up children and he has none. We’d love a child but obviously I can’t carry one (or conceive), so adopting is the only chance.
Are we mad? Too old, selfish?
anyone done this at a similar age?
we’d want to adopt a 1/2 year old

You may well be too old for a 1-2 year old, but maybe not for a 4-5 year old.
Some LAs have a rule of the younger partner not being more than 40 or 45 years older than the child being placed.
However if you were to take on a 'harder to place' child they might still be flexible.
You'll need to see what your local policies are.

That said, both mine have hit issues when they turned 16. You'll be at least 65 when that happens, and with probably less energy than you have now.

No madder or selfish than any other adopter.

I do know of babies placed with adopters in their late 40s, early 50s.

I would say keep an open mind about age, and everything else, though.
I was always clear that I was looking for an ‘older’ child but in my head I probably was thinking 4 or 5, certainly not the nearly 8 year old I ended up with. But he was the right child for me and I was the right mum for him. In the end, age wasn’t the decisive factor.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders makes a great point about your age when the child hits the teens - a time when very many adopted kids struggle.

I’m 57, my son is 18 in a few weeks - I’m very glad to have got the teenage stuff out of the way!

just to say OP-our situation mirrors yours exactly. i feel very scared of adopting as a 49 year old woman. my husband is a bit older
and isn't worried. also at the moment we are being told that early permanence is our best chance to do so - so
a young child. i have hit the menopause and although HRT helps i feel achey old physically and how we would get through parenting worries me. on the other hand i feel the most wise i have ever felt even though that doesn't always translate to emotionally stability for me, I am a
lot more understanding and curious
and supportive about others which i think is necessary. the one thing i keep coming back to is that unlike birth children the child we would raise is guaranteed to have a safe and supportive home and that the downsides to having an old mum and dad will not outweigh making that child's life better - a second best better to having a stable birth family i know. but it is a very hard decision so just wanted to say that i empathise!



Thank for your replies. It’s encouraging to have support and also sensible fair comments.
@redbluegreenwhite i feel the same and I’m also going through the menopause, what fun! However, like you we can provide a loving stable home for a child. I’ve got a lot more patience than I had in my twenties, plus I’m not bothered about being out at the weekend etc so a lot more focus on family time, ( this said I was a good mum to my older 2, just at a different time in my life)!
we’ve registered for an online event in a few weeks to find out more!

Have you started the process already? If not, bear in mind that it may be another couple of years until a child is placed with you.
I adopted a baby at 41. I’m now late 40s and I recognise the achey feeling that @redbluegreenwhite describes! I am at the old end of parents outside school (though there are a few of us) and I do feel a lot older (and I’m probably old enough to have given birth to some of the Mums!). There are advantages to being middle aged as we are much more financially secure, but the older I get, the more I worry. The brutal reality is that I probably won’t be around as long as lots of the other parents and that weighs heavily on me. I worry about my DC being left alone, particularly as we are a small family and they are an only child. I can see that I don’t have as much physical energy parents, though I do get to spend a lot more time with my child as I can afford to be part time. I also fear being an embarrassment to my D.C. - I know all parents are embarrassing but I think age just adds to this.
I realise this all sounds very negative, and I’m certainly not trying to put you off, but I do think that you need to carefully consider adopting a young baby in your 50s. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Am sure old posters on here have read my posts before (yawn 🙄) I was 65 and
DH was 62 and she was 3, when placed, she does have complex health needs and severe learning disabilities. I think SS were desperate. She is now nearly 17 and as I am older☺ it is now hard work but she keeps us young! To answer your question no you are not too old! Good luck

I adopted my child as a baby after the age I could have realistically conceived naturally. I definitely don't have the energy I did when I was younger (especially after the last few years) but I'm much more emotionally mature and I find it easier to not sweat the small stuff. It helped me to think through the issues that being older might raise and identify ways to mitigate them, which is also a positive for your social worker to see that you're addressing any concerns protectively.

My husband and I were 48 when 3 year old DS joined us.

I have sometimes heard of a 50 year limit.

I am very tired now and DS is hitting his teens. So, it's not easy but worth it.

Good health and fitness are more important than age in some respects.

I am 52 with a two year old adopted child. We were told there was no official age limit, but some LAs and agencies seem to have age limits. As with so many other things in adoption I suppose the answer is "it depends"!

Interesting- how long did the process take? Thanks

It took about 18 months from the start of Stage 1 until he was placed with us.

I am 50 with a 2 year old. Menopause too. I try to live for the day and not start worrying about what might happen when he is a teenager, etc. At this moment , right now, I am healthy and fit enough to keep up with him. Plus, I have lots of patience and other qualities I probably didn't have when I was younger. That's not to say I didn't have these worries too though so I empathise. When we were adopting I noticed most profiles for children, including young ones, had an upper age limit of 55 for the potential adopter. I figure, if the social workers are happy, then I should trust their judgement on this.

I am 57 and dh 58 and our adopted son is 8 so we are in the same situation.
We have grown up birth children and a long term fc so we still have our hands full parenting wise.
So far it is no different to when we parented our older kids a couple of decades ago tbh except I look like my child's gran rather than his mum which confuses people somewhat !