Rejection from 2.5 year old

[Kugo1]

Hi All,
Bit of background:
We adopted a little girl, a week before her first Birthday. It's been pretty much plain sailing from day one, no problems, we are almost wondering when it is going to go wrong. She was with foster carers from birth.

From the start DD has always preferred my DH, foster parent said this was normal for her to go to men, so have tried to put my hurt feelings aside and get on with it. I'll admit, DD and I did struggle for a good few months to get any sort of bond, DH and hers was instant pretty much. It caused a lot of anxiety in me because I was upset as to why we couldn't get a bond and yes, I admit, jealous of her and DH's relationship. Eventually, our bond did come and now I can't remember a time when she wasn't here, and for the most part we have a really good relationship.

However, I am struggling right now. Simply put, DD just would rather be with anyone else than me. If there is only me, she is happy, we have fun, cuddles, everything is fine, but as soon as DH is around, GPs are about, I may as well be dust under her feet. Yesterday DD said something that really upset me, we were about to go swimming and she comes out with "me wish mummy, daddy, no no mummy, would go away". I am not sure what hurt the most, the words or the fact she corrected herself to make sure she said mummy. It took everything I had not to burst into tears. Instead I replied that it wasn't a very nice thing to say.

I just feel like DD puts up with me when I am the only one around, but really can't wait for someone else to be around so she doesn't have to be with me. I guess I am the one doing most of the lesson learning, discipline etc so is this why I am so 'out of favour'? I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am trying not to let it get to me in front of her, but really it is starting to really hurt that she basically discards me at the earliest chance. If you gave DD a choice of who she wanted to be with, I could almost guarantee it would never be me, and that hurts.

How do I get through this stage? Is it a stage or is this how it will always be? Am I doing something wrong?

If anyone can relate, or offer advice, please let me have it.

👋 it’s so hard not to take it personally but it’s not personal. My son (nearly 4) will sometimes reject me. When he first came home over two years ago he rejected me constantly. Which was very difficult for both of us because I’m a solo parent.

My son rejects me because I’m his scariest relationship. He’s much more comfortable with superficial relationships where he can’t be rejected. He also has confusion about ‘mother’ and who I am. He knows I’m not his BM but the lines are blurred for him and he’s angry at a mother figure, rather than me personally. It’s hard to remember that.

We work with a psychotherapist. He’s so young and I’m not sure they’re helping him but they do help me a lot. See if you can access support from the adoption support fund?

Oh god you can't take this personally, in fact you can't take anything kids say personally - ever. What you need to be is secure in your love for her - that's what matters here and that's what she needs. She might take your love for granted, feel so secure with you that she feels she needs to make no effort with you, be bored of you because you're not a novelty and are always there, be scared of how much she feels for you, be confused about her feelings for you, be scared you might leave one day......so many possibilities! But what matters is your love for her and when she says I wish you'd go away and that daddy was here, instead of being hurt say 'well I love being here with you' and mean it! Don't worry about her love for you just concentrate on how much you love her and making her life as safe, secure and wonderful as possible. And that might be very boring and routine at times - but that is exactly what she needs from you.

Mine did this to me and when, in the middle of the night, I reached the end of tether and crying told her to go to daddy then, it very briefly broke both of us. She is the same with her grandpa so it's amusing when both daddy and grandpa are in the same room, although generally at that point grandpa 'wins'. Both men adore her and love to play with her so she opens like a flower to them. However, she doesn't see either of them as much as she sees me so she's also doing the 'see me, don't forget me, do you still love me?' dance that comes with attachment issues. Whilst it looks cute and like normal behaviour it often comes from anxiety and the fawn fear response.

Thank you for your replies, they all make a lot of sense. I think it is clear that I am the 'scariest' relationship because I am the one who, most of the time is telling her no, and instilling 'rules'. Therefore I suppose boring mum.

DD doesn't yet know she is adopted, but we do talk about it freely in front of her and read her a book about it frequently about the day she came home to us. Not sure if she is starting to understand yet or not.

It helps to think that she might just feel secure with me and know I will always be there no matter what she says, that's how she should feel. Guess I need to put the brave pants on and brush it off when I get these things said to me.

The best book we've found is Todd Parr's We Belong Together. Another book by him that I found helpful was I Love You, it lists both easy and difficult moments in a parent/child relationship and says I love you whether you do the one or the other.

Both my children did this at a similar age. I’m single so I was primary cater and only disciplinarian. They got away with murder with my parents and friends. It’s sole destroying isn’t it? But both my kids seemed to get over it by 3-3.5 and now I’m the first one they go to for everything. It’s lovely when they have the choice now and pick me. Try and be strong, hopefully it won’t last for long x

Thanks for the replies all. I am hoping that you are all right and this is just a stage she is going through. It is heartbreaking yes, especially when she is seemingly happy to be with me... until someone else comes along. I will just keep doing what I am, not reacting to it in front of DD and hope! xx

I think when pp talked about you being the scariest relationship it wasn't about you being strict, but rather that you are her key person, you're the one she depends on and that's terrifying when you've already lost that twice - first after 9m gestation with bm them after a year with foster carer. She fought against creating that bond, and I'd guess she's still testing it to be sure that it's safe for her, that you'll still be there when she's pushing you away.

At her age, I spent a lot of time talking to my child about how we became a family, with the wise judge making it the law, and that nothing could stop me being their mummy or stop me loving them more than everything. I still revisit it regularly now - it's a lovely habit plus I remember reading about a study that showed children whose parents extravagantly expressed their love had better mental health than equivalent children whose parents were more restrained. I didn't look into how robust a study it was, but I figured it couldn't hurt! (edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/07/26/mother.affection.anxiety/)

My son (3 and not adopted) will tell my DH that he doesn’t like him, he only likes me, he will literally walk up randomly and say to him “I don’t like you daddy I only like mummy “ and has done for about .. oh god 6 months or more at this point , wants me to do everything with him , not daddy. But he’s perfectly happy to be with him when I’m not there!.
im the “scary” parent in our set up so god knows why he’s “chosen“ me as the favorite…
However he’ll happily tell me to go away if any other relatives are here though or sometimes he’ll openly muse about them visiting - “nanny will come and play trains with me and you can go away and do the washing ok?”

i can understand how all of these things sound much more hurtful to you coming from your DD but I honestly think it’s just something toddlers do

Hi Op, I just wanted to chip in that we had this with our AD in varying intensity until about 5. I found it very hard and at least once cried when she said I hate you, I only want daddy.
The rejection was fairly constant and consistent in all behaviours which makes it much more intense and the reasons are very different from those of birth children. It did change but slowly. I had to have faith that as PP have said, it's because the mother relationship is the most dangerous for an insecure child. I helped myself by reading alot about it in reference to adopted children and focused on being the steady constant in her life who's always there and strong for her. I reassured myself that me getting the brunt of everything is a good thing. She needed to see that I was there always whatever she did or said. This changed into verbal challenge and control as she became more able and had massive meltdowns into 6 years of age. She came out of them quicker though and the disconnect that was obvious for days previously pretty much disappeared.
She's almost 7 now and the closeness is real and I am definitely her person to go to. I work hard at a connective relationship being the priority and fingers crossed we've crossed into a very strong place.
But bloody hell at 2 to 5 years it was v hard although it's easier to see just how hard in retrospect.
Just keeping being steady and knowing she's still a scared wee girl that needs to push you to know you're never going to leave. We still have to reassure AD that we will always ome back for her even though she knows it on the outside. That innate fear is still there.
Be good to yourself and know you're doing nothing wrong.

My grandson came to live with me before he was one, he's 3.5 now

I thought because we had an existing bond there wouldn't be any real problems but when he was about 2/2.5 something really weird happened and I'm not sure how to explain it;

He was poorly I was lying in bed with him holding him crying, trying to soothe him and nothing was happening, it was awful, he wasn't comforted at all and I felt incredibly strange as if I was the one that didn't belong. I felt deeply uncomfortable it was like an out of body experience and obviously over the next few days I seriously over thought this!!

This went on for a good few weeks and how I dealt with it was to pretend there wasn't this weirdness, I faked the bond I suddenly couldn't feel and just acted out in a way I thought my grandson needed

I'll never forget it though because it's very un nerving and it made me question everything! Happily it was a fleeting experience, I am enough, the little man adores me and does feel safe & loved AND protected ❤️

I hope for you it passes too, toddlers aren constantly evolving you just have to go with it, good luck x