So upset for my dd tonight but don't know what to make of this...

[Ahurricaneofjacarandas]

I have a 4YO dd, adopted at 9Mo, no major bevioural or developmental issues. She was with the same lovely foster carers until coming to us and they seemed lovely and to have a lovely bond with her. Today at bedtime we were talking casually about her life story and we got talking about her foster mum (will call her X) Her little face absolutely crumpled and she said 'I miss X' 'I just want to give X a cuddle' This made me cry for better or worse. I acknowledge that she was really sad and we had cuddles and that was that. Bare in mind that we haven't really seen X at all since dd came to us. I know I shouldn't but I feel awful. It probably sounds daft and self-absorbed but my heart tells me that if I was being a good enough mummy then she wouldn't be this upset even though my head tells me that of course she is traumatised by what happened and on some level remembers that loss. Do people think she actually remembers her FM when removed this young or is it just the enormity and complexity of the situation that she's really picking up on. This is all probably a total none-issue I know but I'm starting to realise that this kid of mine is a real empath and a deep thinker and I'd love to hear perspectives on how to manage that. Thanks xx

I don't think your DD would actually be able to remember her foster mum - it sounds like she just has an awareness that someone who loved her and cared for her is now not in her life. Perhaps the feelings she's having about her foster mum are more what you expected her to have about her birth mother? If she had said these words about her birth mother do you think you might have felt differently about them?

Rather than your daughter's words showing you aren't "good enough" I'd say it was the opposite - if she feels safe enough to express these feelings then it shows how much trust she must have in you. Disclaimer - I only have a birth child but when she was four she said to me very earnestly "It's not that I don't love you Mummy, it's just I love Daddy a little bit more". And I just told her I was pleased to know she loved Daddy so much and that I loved him too. Then I told myself how it proved what a great Mum I was to have been able to do that!

As a non-adopter I don't really feel qualified to give any advice on how to manage your daughter's emotions but as to managing your own I'd suggest that whenever you feel hurt by something she's said you focus on whether you were able to respond empathically despite that. And if you have give yourself a mental pat on the back!

It’s very hard sometimes when they come out with things like that!

My DD is going on six, and come to us from foster care at 8 months. Removed from BPs at birth.

She talks pretty regularly about missing her birth mother and father, which is impossible (on a conscious level anyway). My take on it is that she’s become conscious of some sort of loss/grief/rupture in her life as she understands her life story, but expresses it as missing those people.

Does that make sense? Could it be something like that for your DD?

As @HPFA says, it’s a good thing she feels safe enough with you to talk about this sort of thing so try to take it as a compliment!

I agree, you should be proud of yourself that she feels safe enough to be vulnerable. I think also, at that age they are starting to learn emotional literacy and to test it out. I know mine sometimes display the emotions that they think are expected. My daughter is very sad at the moment because one of her school friends is leaving. This friend is not someone who she talks about or plays with much, but there have been a few changes and upheaval recently so I think all of the upset she is feeling is being poured into this event of this friend leaving - it’s like an appropriate event to let some emotion out iyswim.

I know this might not even be a possibility, and even if it is might take some time to arrange, but do you think it would help your daughter to meet up with her previous foster carer? If she is still fostering she might well have another baby with her at the moment, and it might help your daughter to understand the role foster carers play, ie loving and caring but temporary., compared to your lifelong permanent position as Mummy.
I'm saying this as a foster carer who has moved 8 children onto adoption.

I'm an adoptee (adopted at 6 weeks old) and struggled with feelings of loss and grief even from a young age. In my adoptive family there was no place to acknowledge or discuss this.

Exactly the same for me. I was 6 weeks too.

Even if she has no conscious memories she will have deep within her memories of the trauma of being removed from the familiarity of BM’s smells and voice and also leaving her foster carers. Please don’t presume as she was so young this trauma is not engrained deep in her memory.

The very best thing you can do is to talk openly about it and acknowledge her feelings. This would be a beautiful act of love. Those feelings she is having are separate from you. They come from events that happened before she came home forever to you. Coming home to a forever family does not erase or fully heal the past experiences.

I am sure with your head you know all this and I can understand that you must have felt hurt. But it is truly nothing to do with you and her feelings for you. You sound like a very caring mum.

I come from a generation of adoptees whose parents were told we would not be effected or remember. This is now known to be false.

I have a memory of lying on BMs bare chest. But my notes said I was bottle fed (BMs were not allowed to BF in mother and baby homes). Turns out that although she did not BF me she used to place me skin to skin on her chest. She told me this without being aware of my memory. So my brain has retained that memory.

Just wanted to share an adoptee’s perspective .

Thanks all for the brilliant insight. We have actually been meaning to catch up with FM but then lockdown happened and it's just not seemed to materialise for one reason or another. They don't have any other FC as far as I know. I will contact her and see if we can meet up.

I totally understand the general concensus that she may have a subconscious feeling of loss even if she doesn't fully remember it. On a much lower level but a similar note my Grandpa died when I was only 4. I have only very hazy memories of him. However I still feel sad when I think of him. Sad that we probably had a special bond and on some levels remembering that bond but on other levels really not remembering much tangiable about our bond.

I think the important thing is like has been said i give her chance to express and own these feelings like I hopefully am doing x

Morning.

I wanted to share we have kept in contact with our childrens FC.

we met our boys 15 months ago and they have been home for a just over a year. We have been on holiday with our Fc and see them every 6/8 weeks for days out and gatherings. we have built a great friendship with them and the boys love them, and their previous associates of Fc also. Foster caters are granny and grandad and it’s been wonderful for our family.

we don’t know how this will play out as they grow but as the eldest was with them from a few days old they have all his memories to share with him which we think will be so important in later life.

if at any point in the boys lives they told us that they felt a certain way about contact with Fc and their life stories we will obviously review and adapt at that point but for now it makes us all very happy.

Sorry it seems to have missed the last part off..

I think you have been very strong in understanding how you and your Dd maybe feeling in this scenario and if we cry behind closed doors that’s ok too.