Friends and Family FAQs

[Houseplantophile]

Hi all.. we've just been accepted onto
Stage 2 (yay!) and we've been letting our
family know what's happening...
Naturally they're excited.
Even more naturally, as we don't have any
adoptions in the family already, they have
little awareness of the complexities of the
process and the children who will be
placed.

To help them understand, in particular
elements around why parenting adopted
children is different to birth children, we're
thinking of hosting a meal with a fellow adopter attending who would be ready to
share some of their experiences and
answer questions.

I think this will help them not only feel
involved but also raise awareness of likely
issues so they don't feel like we're just
being precious when we attempt to
therapeutically parent the children.

After this, and when we know who we're
adopting we're thinking of putting together
a little info sheet to share with family...
some FAQs if you will..
I anticipate questions like
"so why were
they removed from their 'real' family?"
"Will
they still see their 'real' parents?!" Or even
address the "oh yay….. more kids at our
massive Christmas Day celebrations..”
comments.

We want to thank them for their anticipated
support but also help them understand the
challenges that lie ahead so they don’t get frustrated when we can’t either share certain information or follow their parenting suggestions…

Sorry….. long winded.

BASICALLY… what were some of the
questions your family and friends had for
you about the process and your children?!
And how did you answer?!

Thank you! X

Do your LA offer friends abd family training? Ours did and our parents all attended. Also the book Related by Adoption by Heidi Argent us a great resource

We had them watch an Adoption UK webinar for extended family with chance to ask questions, it was really helpful and made them understand a little more, id definitely recommend doing that. And before they met them I also emailed each family member a thing about how to support us which went through all this stuff in a positive way, how they can help, rather than what not to do, it was really good and I can see that my parents have really taking it on board, especially in reinforcing us as her parents, redirecting them back to us for things and using the words mummy and daddy etc to us so that worked well. I just found it by googling but think Adoption UK maybe do one.
Everyone is rubbish though at asking innappropriate questions and we just havent told extended family anything as we wanted them to all meet her first before all of that, its her stuff so we just mostly shut it down.

Some of my family attended the training offered for friends and family which helped massively!

Thanks all… I know there’s the friends and family session but I have a larrrrge family who won’t all be able to attend.

I was more just wondering what questions you’d been asked either during the process or following the child/children coming home?

thanks again!

Questions Ive been asked are-
Is it permanent? (yes)
When's all the paperwork finished? (along way off yet despite being about 3 months since placement)
Do you still have social workers visit? (yes alot)
And wanting to know her lifestory, why is she being adopted? (Dont need to know that)

I think its been helpful letting them all get a good understanding of contemporary adoption while in the process. I found it really helpful them being told by the Adoption UK webinar not to post things on social media as that gave it more authority & better understanding than if wed just told them not to, and they've been really good understanding that.

I have a friend who is possibly adopting (complicated matching process going on). She has told her closest friends and family the bare minimum and then gets stressed/defensive when people ask basic questions.
To be honest, I know I sound horrible but it has really irritated me.
I have birth children and people asked me all sorts of questions about my pregnancy, birth and early years. That was (mostly) fine. I KNOW adoption is different but it’s so hard to get on board and be supportive and understand when you’re given scant information.

So, OP I think you’re doing a great job of helping to inform your loved ones and ideally that will mean that the volume of similar questions is reduced!

To adoptive/prospective adoptive parents - please know that people will largely be supportive but do give you friends and family something to work with.

I found it particularly strange that my friend wouldn’t tell anyone the name of the child she’s been matched with. It reminds me of people who find out the sex of a baby when they’re pregnant but then make a big deal about not telling anyone (while telling everyone that they have found out).

Sorry if I sound a bit grumpy. I am a bit grumpy tonight!

User, I think in your friends case there she may not want to tell you the name as the match may well fall through, they often do, so she wants to keep her hopes low and having a name out there makes things definite and more of a loss if it doesnt happen, if you see what i mean. It is also important as if it does fall through that child will be being adopted by someone else instead, likely within your area, so it is a way of keeping confidentiality, something which is really important within adoption. This will be even more so important if the name is very recognisable, or if your friend is thinking about changing in if the match goes through, there could be lots of reasons I can think of why she wouldnt want to put the name out there.

@user58486267489

Yes adoption is very different.
This child is not, and may never be, your friend’s child. Legally information is not hers to share.
The privacy and protection of the child is the important thing, not that you have information so you can get ‘on board’. Adopters are not obliged to give anyone anything to work with. As tonyhawks explains there are many reasons why your friend hasnt shared the name.
To be honest I would be horrified to be asked to a family dinner to be bombarded with questions and I would refuse.
You really need to respect your friend’s position on this and the privacy of the child concerned.

All good points.

My perspective was this. Potential adopter tells people close to her about her adoption journey but doesn’t give any specific information (about the process). Asks for support. But those she’s asked for support from have not adopted and we don’t know what we can or can’t ask!

That’s why I think the OP is so wise to think about how to educate those around her and that way they will be able to support her more fully.

Obviously if a child is called Madonna or Supernova or something and you live in a smaller community, I get why that’s too identifying. But we’re in a huge city and if the name is Toby or Kate that’s probably not such a problem.

But yeah. Just TELL people why you can’t give more information. We don’t know. We haven’t been through the process.

@user58486267489

when I was being matched with my son I was given a devasting piece of information about his history. I called a friend in floods of tears. I couldnt tell her anything. I just needed her to be there. 10 years on she still doesn’t know
There may be many times in your friends life as an adopter which are like this - when the answer is just I can’t tell you.l

@Ted27 yeah, I understand that. But I’m assuming you told your friend why you couldn’t tell her the details? That’s all it is really - let people know the parameters and why.

I have one other friend with an adopted child who has always been open about her child since matching - completely different. Again, huge city, very common name etc. Her child has contact with siblings etc and she’s open about this and about why he was removed from his parents. It’s a tiny fraction of what we speak about wrt her child, but I do appreciate the openness. She went through a few false starts before a successful match. We always knew the name of the child she was hoping to adopt. It helped her (and I know it helped me) to make it real and to process the disappointment when things didn’t work out.

I also appreciate that a child’s background is for them to share and isn’t always appropriate to talk about.

Thanks again all..

this is exactly why I want to help my family by providing some info upfront.. they’ll naturally want to know and won’t even consider if it’s ok to ask or not… and it IS ok to ask.. but I’d like them to know upfront why I may not be able to give full answers so there’s no awkwardness in the moment.

we’ve also got copies of the Related by Adoption book which we’ve given to grandparents already.. that was a really helpful resource too.

As @tonyhawks23 said.. I’m also fully aware that being told by someone else that they should/shouldn’t do something will hold much gravity than if I tell them..! 🙄😆

The before I arrive book is very short and simple. Perfect for passing around wider family members or even for teens.

Thanks. I’ve given the grandparents to be the book ‘Related by Adoption’ but the wider family are unlikely to read books.

I’m literally just trying to come up with a list of commonly asked questions. 🙂🙂🙂

Adoption resources U.K. did a recent post on Instagram that might help you

www.instagram.com/p/Cd7wak7M6pX/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Tbh my family are a pretty considerate and thoughtful bunch and had some inter generational experience with fostering and adoption so we didn't have anybody who was overly intrusive or ignorant of the complexities. However I guess they learnt through a process of things like phone calls to us while we went though the process, we watched a few TV documentaries together and for a few of them I shared a fact sheet resource from Adoption UK for family and friends. One thing we did have to be a bit directive on was the whole Xmas thing. We took him home about 1m before Xmas and hadn't fully finished all our cocooning at that point so he hadn't met many family. We did end up taking him to a couple of family Xmas gatherings but kept him to his routine so didn't stay long and sent a couple diplomatic msgs beforehand to politely ask family if they could refrain from over crowding him or picking him up. That balance seemed to work well for us but it may be that your family is different and needs a bit more educating around it. As others have said our LA did offer a family and friends training so that could.be a good option

Thanks! This is exactly the sort of thing I was after! 🙂