First time adopter

[VBF]

Hello,
I hope it is okay to post here but I am a bit overwhelmed and not really sure what to do and as a long time lurker first time poster hoping for some advice.

My partner and I have had unexplained fertility issues for 8 years and after 3 failed IVFs (also all unexplained as all seemed good) we decided to adopt. 2 and half years down the line we have been matched and our DS joined us this week at 11months old. He is lovely and has largely settled well. The problem is me. I feel like an imposter at the moment acting a role around him. I want the best for him and will do all I can for him but everyone around us is happy for us finally being a family but all I can think is I feel wrong. He has only ever known his foster family and is is very attached to her so his ability to still rest and follow a routine is amazing but I just can't stop feeling like I should be feeling something for him. Every single one of involved social workers has gone on annual leave in turn so dont really know any that cloesly to lean on and there is a horrible fear of saying it isnt all 100% okay that I don't know if im stupid for even considering. Our Boroughs only support is a paid community so I feel a bit unsure where to turn...

Am I as awful as I feel to voice this way when he needs us? 😔

@VBF

firstly congratulations !
what you are feeling is really not uncommon. You are all still strangers to each other. Just because he is a cute adorable baby doesnt mean that you will feel instant love or that you will automatically feel like his mummy rather than a babysitter.
You need time to get to know each other, to adjust to this new life, to give time to let the feelings grow.
My son was much older at nearly 8 when he arrived. He told me he loved me on day 2 of intros, I said it back. Of course neither of us meant it. He is 17 now, we have interesting chats about about those early days. We both agree we didnt mean it on day 2. He said it because he was scared and thought thats what I wanted to hear, I said it because I was scared and knew he needed to hear it. We both also agree that at some point in that first year we said it and we meant it.
Fake it till you make it is useful to have in mind.
What matters know is your committment to your son, immerse yourself in your new routine, get out and about in the sunshine, the feelings will come.

Having said all of that Post Adoption Depression is just as real as Post Natal Depression, so if you think your feelings are overwhelming do seek help

good luck and have fun getting to know your new son

I think what your feeling is totally normal but its all a slow process and in time things will be good. I am 10 weeks in and definitely felt like an imposter like you describe for a long time, maybe even still sometimes. For me it started to change when I started going out and about and being seen as her mummy by people, but we didnt do all that for a long time to give her plenty of time with just us at home. It might be different for you but you will be ok in time. It helped us having a complete predictable routine and doing lots of attachment play and time. I think things that have been really good is bathing together, snuggles on the sofa with stories or tv and doing bottle feeding like a baby with lots of eye contact. And lots of fun games together like row your boat and bubble blowing. We also do toddler yoga I would defo recommend doing baby/toddler yoga if you can, either a class or together at home, try cosmic yoga, and swimming, thats great so all positive things to look into for the future?
Adoption UK have an early days meet up on zoom so i imagine that would be really helpful but havent made one yet.
I think dont worry but reflect on your feelings and make solutions where you find problems? Defo see your GP if need support in that way if could be post adoption depression.
Super congratulations and know that it will be tough with ups and downs - when people ask me hows it going I say 'oh we are tired!' or 'Ups and downs' - dont feel like you cant talk about the tough times, all mums do and it really helps to talk about it. But it will get easier and easier as you get to know each other and then the love will come.

I’m just over a year in and felt like you for a few months! I remember it was birthday the day after LO came home and everyone telling me it must have been the best birthday ever and me thinking no, this is the worst, I feel utterly terrible.

I didn’t feel like a Mum; didn’t feel like I loved LO. Just did my best and kept plodding on. I had lots of intrusive thoughts about the foster cater and birth mum being better than me; how I don’t deserve this. It was a struggle. After about a month of this (and because of court, foster carer and birth mum issues) I was prescribed a low dose of anti anxiety meds that i went on for about 6 months.

I can’t really explain when that feeling went away. It took a few months though. All I know is now LO is my absolute world. I love them with my entire self and feel like their Mum whole heartedly.

Keep going. It sounds (to me) like you’re feeling totally as expected! It’s a huge change! Just keep doing each day.

It’s perfectly normal. He’s going through a huge adjustment, you’re going through arguably a bigger adjustment, it’s all new and frankly very scary. It’ll take time for you to get to know him and to get to know yourself as a mum - you’ve waited years for a child with all that that entails, throwing love into the mix at this stage is a lot to ask of yourself.

I felt like I’d stolen my kids from their foster carers, despite knowing their foster care placement was less than ideal, I was thrown by the level of need 24/8 and had lost my sense of identity - and it didn’t help that everyone acted as though we’d won the lottery so I felt I couldn’t say how hard I was finding it. A few years on and it’s like they’ve always been mine, but it took time.

I’d echo the advice to get yourself into a routine - it helps a lot to have a pattern for the day, it’s predictable for you and your little one. Also try to take time out - you and your DP take turns in getting out for a coffee, going for a walk, whatever but some time to decompress a bit.

If there’s anything you’re particularly struggling with, ask here - there are loads of very experienced adopters here who are very generous with their time and support. I doubt I would have coped in the early days without some of the very wise posters here.

Many congratulations - it’s lovely, and hard, and happy, and lonely all at the same time but it won’t always be this way.

I meant 24/7 but it did feel like 24/8 sometimes 😂

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to you all. Your messages are so encouraging and well thought out and reassuring. Reading them has helped me get through today and feel a little less like I am alone as it were.

Thank you all again it has been such a massive help I can't even put it into words. You are all such amazing people ❤️

We're 20 weeks in tomorrow and I still feel like an imposter some days...

We had our youngests birthday party yesterday and it felt a bit surreal

Yes! Everyone feels like that at the beginning! The best advice I was given was fake it until you make it! It saved me lots of times. I thought I’d got my head around it, but I got the exact same thing with my second as well 🤦🏼‍♀️ Just push through it and it genuinely will get better!

I have adopted two, 4 years ago our son who turned 4 in October last year and then most recently last august our daughter who is turning 2 in august.

Our son was smooth very plain sailing, instant feelings for both me and my partner, we knew we were meant to be a family.

our daughter - I would say it took us about 5 -6 months, and I still think the feelings are growing and need to grow more! I do love her and will do whatever she needs, but I think it’s just been much harder - she has found it much harder to transition to life with us, as have we.

I think it takes time. As above - keep faking it until eventually one day you will realise you love that child more than anything!

I will say this is probably more common with adoption, but also I have heard biological parents say they didn’t feel the love immediately…

It took me months and months with our first. I'd just settle into it and then catch a glimpse of her and she'd look like a stranger so it would start again. She is a child that needed and continues to need a lot of support and that is/was my role. OH, meanwhile, has always felt she was his. That being said we look at her baby/toddler photos and it often takes a minute to work out it's her.

It's been the opposite way round with our second, I've adored him from day one. I think I was more prepared for the feelings this time round so it's been easier. OH has struggled though, especially as our older one likes to monopolise his attention so he's only had limited one-to-one time with the younger.

You are so so normal. I found the adoption order helped me relax into being mum, knowing that we were safe and in it forever. You're certainly not alone. I remember someone saying "oh, you must be overjoyed!" and I thought "no. No, I'm anxious, and exhausted, and just getting to know this small stranger in my life!" Overjoyed came later. These things take time. I have birth and adopted children, and I think I'm just a bit reserved, as it's taken me time to bond, and become more than the babysitter, however the child arrived in the family. Love is what you do, though, and the feelings come. Love takes time.