adopting with a history of substance abuse

[Pegs11]

Hi, please be gentle with me…. my partner and I really want to adopt, but we have both struggled with habitual marijuana use in the past. Myself when I was in my 20s (I’m over 40 now), my husband more recently as a sort of grief reaction to a loss in his life.

Now, we are sensible, responsible people. We have a strong relationship and plenty to offer a child. We don’t drink, we don’t party, we have stable jobs and a good income, a peaceful home, we have never been in trouble with the law.

But I worry that our previous weed habits might nonetheless get in the way of us adopting.

I’d really like to hear from people who have successfully adopted with this kind of history… if indeed there are any. And just to know how our past circumstances would be viewed by an adoption agency. Thank you.

[Ted27]

Everyone has a past, we’ve all done things we regret. Social workers aren’t looking for perfect people, but they will be looking at how you tackle problems and issues in your life.
Your husband’s situation may be a bit more concerning - its more recent. SWs will want to know its not a route he would go down again - adopted children can be very challenging.
If you haven’t done so already it would be worth having some counselling
Good luck

[rosiethefemaleone]

SWs will have lots of questions. Many children are removed due to drug use, and your children may have questions about that, and you may need to discuss their drug use with them later, how will you do that, how will you feel about that?

Adoption is a huge stress, and brings loss, and often secondary trauma/loss- what coping mechanisms has your husband developed now that he won't go back to drugs? What therapy have you had to deal with your issues?

These aren't questions I expect you to answer here, they're examples for what I suspect SWs will want to know.

Very little is an absolute no, but you can't ever use drugs again, and you need to be mentally robust enough for that. Your pasts may make you more empathetic to struggles for your children and their birth families, but they may also make it difficult for you to advise abstinence for your young teens, when you didn't yourselves, or if you were to return to drug use under stress, and they lost a second family to drugs.

[Pegs11]

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful replies.

@rosiethefemaleone can you elaborate on what you mean by “adoption brings loss, and other secondary trauma/loss”?

[Ted27]

adoption very much starts from a place of loss - birth families lose children, children lose birth parents. Many people come to adoption because of infertility, may have suffered miscarriages, still births or loss of a child soon after birth.
When you understand the loss, it helps you understand behaviour.
Most adopted children have some level of additional need, some are very complex and challenging. Children leak trauma - its the adopter who absorbs it - sometimes the parents are traumatised by what they experience with their children.
We all have hopes and dreams about what our lives will be like when we adopt - its often very different to what we imagined - its stressful, affects relationships and our working lives. SWs will be concerned about your coping mechanisms

[Pegs11]

@Ted27 thank you… food for thought.x

[veronicagoldberg]

I just wouldn't mention it.

[rosiethefemaleone]

@veronicagoldberg This is an ok strategy for non-significant 'experimental' type long historic drug use- the odd hash cake in your teens/early twenties, and you're never directly asked. It's not ok to lie.

But if it's anywhere in your medical notes, and the GP mentions it, and you haven't. Or one of your referees mentions it in passing. Basically, if it comes out that you lied/didn't mention when questioned- it will look bad. Really bad.

[rosiethefemaleone]

Regarding loss/trauma, OP, I suggest you look through the board for suggested reading lists, or search 'adoption reading lists'. Things like Sally Donovan, or The Primal Wound, or any adoption account and early trauma literature will be necessary before you can progress with adoption.

[Ted27]

I agree, do not ever lie or try to conceal significant issues from social workers, it will come out.

That aside, prospective adopters really have to understand that adoption is a stressful experience, and what their responses to stress are, turning drugs or alcohol will not do anyone involved any good. You need better coping mechanisms

[Pegs11]

@rosiethefemaleone my marijuana abuse is on my medical records unfortunately. I went to the doctor as I felt like I was smoking too much pot, and wanted help finding other ways to deal with my problems. It was about 17 years ago, maybe longer.

[Pegs11]

@Ted27 We have come a long way and I thought we were nearly ready to start the adoption process. But I think maybe we still have a long way to go.

[Moonopoly]

I think yours would be less of an issue as is the distant past. How recent is recent for your DH?

[Pegs11]

@Moonopoly couple of years ago ☹️

[Ted27]

@Pegs11

what SWs really want to see is what has been done to address any issues - has your husband had any counselling for example, has he found new ways of coping with stress.

[Italiangreyhound]

Has your dh definitely quit and is he in any ind of counselling to help.

Has he resolved the issue that caused him ti turn to drugs?

Good luck.