Contact with BM - continued problems

[InNeedofNeom]

Have posted before about BM contact for advise.

Around 8 years ago, I started to have contact with Bio Mother after many years of no contact. She chose to have me adopted due to being at college for context, however stayed with Bio Father and there then ensued a bit of a custody battle with adoptive parents (long story) which was very traumatic for me as a child. My childhood was very unhappy and I was not happy with adoptive family either, where there were other issues.

After I had DC, I started letter contact after resisting contact for many years (there was a lot of unwanted attempts at contact by them/their family).
Really I guess I should have predicted what would happen but I felt like I needed some peace and to stop avoiding feelings I needed to manage. After 2 years of letter contact BF died. A year later I arranged to meet BM, I had misgivings but wanted to see if there was a connection. I realised there isn't quite soon. But I have been continued to visit her every 1-2 months for a couple of hours as she is lonely etc and sometimes help her with house admin, get some shopping for her (I try to think of it as helping an elderly neighbour). My DC have met her several times but don't know who she is.

She isn't happy with the level of contact and at least twice a year I have to remind her of boundaries and the level of contact that I want and that I don't want to meet her family etc. I just try to be consistent and calm. She now expects my DC to visit and they really don't want to and I absolutely will not force them to, so generally just say they are busy which she is very unhappy about. Tbh I am gobsmacked at her level of entitlement - I had hoped she'd be happy with the occasional visit.

I am finding this all really difficult and almost at the point of cutting all contact.
Writing this all down it seems easy, but it isn't. It feels so complex emotionally. I guess I am a typical adopted child trying to please (but am resentful and angry too!)
An added note - financially she wants to provide for my DC when older at uni for example and has the ability to, so I don't want to disadvantage them because I am finding her too difficult.

She's really not supportive or that nice, to me which I find so hard to understand.

Sorry for huge post.

@InNeedofNeom

my personal view is that you owe her nothing. I know that sounds harsh but its not your fault she is lonely and its not your responsibilty to resolve that for her.
I think its very telling that you haven’t told your children who she is.
Do you feel she is trying to manipulate you with money for them ?

I don’t feel there are any right or wrong answers here. At nearly 18 my son is facing up to issues about contact with his birth mum. I can see he is conflicted about it. Its his decision - he needs to do what is right for him.

Its not his responsibility to make me or her happy. And that’s what I’d say to you.

Its hard but I wouldnt let the money get in the way of that. Your children will make their way in the world regardless

@Ted27 Thank you for your reply.

I think she is very manipulative. I saw her today and she said I was being unfair and punishing her by not visiting more often and taking my DC. She seems to think we should be having this amazing mother and daughter relationship and it's my fault that we are not and hinted that I should be taking care of her ! It all feels so bizarre, perhaps she has rewritten history in her head, it just doesn't make sense.

I think she is probably quite narcisstic.

So I either visit and take DC on occasion or cut contact.
My concern is her demands will just increase. I guess the answer will come soon enough.

I am an adoptee, I am in contact with birth siblings but my birth mum died many years ago before I was able to meet her.

Your description of your birth mum and your relationship with her weirdly describes the one I had with my adoptive mum. She also had a narcissistic personality. I maintained a low contact relationship with her on my terms, eg I visited her so could control length the visits etc. This was mainly to avoid the repercussions with other family members had I gone no contact.

I think I may have posted on one of your other threads about this, but would your birth mum engage with any post adoption support counselling to reset her expectations of her relationship with you? I would also take try to take the possibility of any future inheritance out of the picture when considering if you wish to remain in contact.

@vjg13 thanks so much for your reply. I’ve name changed as really private about this.

sadly my adoptive mum was similar, I was fairly low contact with her.

I have suggested counselling- she refused to consider.
I’m at work today but just went to sit in an empty office, can’t process her behaviour at all and feel so upset. She seems to think I owe her something. I absolutely can’t tolerate the thought of providing any care to her. She said there is no bond or affection - I think she meant from me, as she went on to say I should be wanting to visit her/ speak to her, check she’s ok. I actually cried at that point. I can’t just forgive her for her choices to the point I can pretend all is fine.

I hope you’re in a happier place now.

Yes re inheritance- I think she’s possibly spiteful and wouldn’t want me to benefit anyway.
Apparently my life has been easier compared to hers…