Anyone else in matching/family finding stage and finding it difficult?

[ScottishBeth]

Hi

We were approved, after a very long assessment process for a range of reasons, earlier this year, and are currently waiting for the right match. I just wondered if anyone else is at a similar stage and is finding it hard.

It's just so frustrating. We hear about a child, say yes, get excited no matter how hard we try not to. And then we wait, and wait. And wait! In the latest case the child's social worker has been on leave, which the family finder didn't know about. Then the SW got back, but family finder went on AL. And after more waiting, we finally heard back, they've read our PAR and another family's, and have sent us some questions. Honestly I can barely remember anything about the child as it's been so long! Just the basics (name, age etc).

And the thing is if the SW says no, it's back to square 1. We have talked a little about potentially adopting again in a few years, but today I was thinking I don't think I can go through all of this again. I know that in this process the priority is finding the right family for a child (as it should be), and I know once we have our child this will all be worth it. But it's so hard!

@ScottishBeth

its been a long time since I went through matching, but yes I remember it being very hard.

It will be worth it in the end, you just have to grit your teeth, get through it and carry on doing nice child free things that you won’t be able to do soon enough

I’m also not at this stage but it’s almost the hardest part. I drove my SW nuts both times when I was at that part! The hardest part is once you’re matched and they’re your child but they don’t live with you and it takes months before you have them. But matching is awful! Try and look after yourself and believe that when your child comes up, you’ll know it ❤️

At a similar stage and finding it really hard too. It’s been more than 4 months for us and we have only been approached for one child that subsequently fell through. It’s harder than I ever imagined. I read something on Instagram yesterday that said during this process the days were long yet the years pass quick. Summed it up pretty well for me.

This part is hard going, you’re nearly there but not quite. Trying to imagine your life with a child/children but nothing having children while also hearing about children that could possibly be yours. The administration process is often slow and can be convoluted which doesn’t help either.

This is really where you need to draw on your resilience - do things that you can’t easily do as a parent (ie sleep, lots, enjoy leaving the house unencumbered by children and their paraphernalia etc). Your child will be out there.

And don’t be afraid to chase things along, ask for timescales for contact and then get in touch if they don’t. Being proactive at this stage will stand you in good stead for parenting, where you basically need to be on top of things, especially if your child has any kind of additional support needs.

It is a really hard part. We waited over a year as it was all mid Covid chaos. Every time our social worker rang we got hopeful and then we sank again as she was just ringing to see how we were! We trusted it would happen and got on wirh other things so that when we did get the call, it felt unexpected and lovely. Every step in it we kept thinking this is it, we think this is the one but kept trying to think it wouldn't happen at the same time. Such a weird time of mixed feelings.
I definitely second jellycatspyjamas about enjoying sleep, every moment of lie in I.e. even the use of an alarm clock, don't need those any more lol, and evenings out, time together etc. We were so excited about wanting to get on with the match and rightly so but you'll soon laugh about having a lie in, peeing by yourself and being able to have a full grown up conversation 😂
And just remember it will happen. If the timing had been different we would never have our amazing daughter. It was a long wait, hard and annoying but like many, we wouldn't swap the wait now our child is here.
It will happen!!

It can be a long time so keep living your life, don't put anything on hold in the expectation of having a placement imminently. For our first I think it took nearly two years.

The most dispiriting thing was when other local authorities would short list us but then always pick the couple that they had in their own area. That was because some places they have to have a short list in order to show that they are making the best possible choice for the child, but obviously they want to use their own adopters because they have to pay other authorities if they use their adopters so they carefully pick other short-listers to be not quite as good a match as their own adopters. It happened to us quite a bit because we are a mixed-heritage couple.

For our second adoption it was only a few months. Our DS had been having a few issues and I think the fact that we were able to address them and advocate on his behalf was a positive thing for the family finders.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's good to know it's not just us. And yes, appreciating the stuff we won't get to do again is a good point (especially being able to go for a wee on my own!).

@GracieHC I hope it moves quickly for you. Are you currently considering/being considered for a child? And yes, that Instagram quote is very true!

I found it helped to have faith in the process. All the way through I kept thinking 'best interests of the child'. For each child I wanted them to find the right family, and if that wasn't me then that wasn't my child. It helped when going through matching with my child too, because it let me trust the family finder and other professionals to do their jobs wrt matching my child with the right family.

And the other thing is that the right match will happen when the right child or children are in a position to be placed. It would be perfect if that was right now, but it will be when it will be. If you can think like this, your choice is between waiting for the right match, or matching with a child that your family isn't the right one for, if that makes sense?

I know logically that it's likely not that black and white, and probably whichever match is made may feel like it was 'fate', but I genuinely believe that I'm the right parent for my child and they are the right child for me. Friends have told me I should have adopted sooner, but I'm thankful I didn't because then I wouldn't be mummy to my child. It made the waiting a bit easier thinking like this, because any child I wasn't matched with by definition wasn't the right child.

Yes it’s not what I expected.

We went with a VAA and so can only find children through Link Maker, but I recently read a social worker’s post saying that now that LAs have started forming into RAAs, they can match most of their children through their own areas and so far fewer even go onto Link Maker these days. The few that we do find on the site we either get turned down for or get no answer at all.

Wishing we’d have gone with the RAA.

@Falcon223

is your VA not part of a consortium?

Personally I think Linkmaker have done a very good job in making people think they are the only option. Its always been the case the LAs will seek to match within their own pool of adopters, and it never been the case that not all children are listed on linkmaker.
Its a long time since I went through this so more than happy to be corrected but has your agency told you that linkmaker is the only avenue - I thought they still had other mechanisms

I’ll try and double check with them, but I’ve asked the question before and I didn’t really get an answer - just an email from the agency saying that everything is very slow atm.

Link Maker is the tool they’ve given us and we’ve never been contacted by the social worker with a prospective child etc.

@Falcon223 I think I read the same post. The one I read included the cost to a LA of placements using a VAA. It was certainly food for thought. I do know that the number of children available against the number of approved potential adopters can fluctuate quite dramatically. This time last year our agency had a massive recruitment drive going on and was having to use VAAs despite their being reports everywhere of a surplus of approved adopters.

Yeah good point!

@Falcon223 good luck with everything! It is so hard this bit. We're with one of the regional conglomerates and it feels never ending. At the meeting ment I reminding myself that they have actually invested a lot of money in us, and they wouldn't have done that if they weren't confident we'd get matched. That surely is true whatever type of agency you're with!

That’s a lovely way to look at it, best of luck to you too!

@Falcon223 I think we have to go with whatever works! At the moment as well I am doing what has been advised upthread. I've invited a friend who I have barely seen in years to come and visit in the summer. And will go and meet up with another friend some time soon too. These things will be a lot more difficult once we have a child.