Should I share photos with extended birth family?

[WinnerWinnerSundayDinner]

This is a long story so the short version is- do I share photos of my child with extended birth family when I know they’re in regular contact with birth parents?

Long version- adopted my child as a baby. Birth parents were described as very dangerous so I was advised to change their name and keep off social media. Birth mums parents have SGO of two of her other children and my child’s SW felt that meeting them was a good idea. I wasn’t sure but agreed. At the meeting, the SW said (infront of them) that we should exchange numbers to plan future contact. I thought this was a one off meeting so I wasn’t pleased, but it was too late.

I keep receiving texts from them asking for updates and photos of the child. But I know they see their daughter regularly, so BM would see pictures which I was told was dangerous. But the birth family haven’t done anything wrong and I feel so guilty not letting them have something of the child when they obviously love them and just couldn’t handle another? What do I do?

You need to discuss it with your support worker. They will have experience of similar situations.

We were in a similar situation BM was a drug addict and was responsible for him being catastrophically disabled. Grandparents had responsibility of his two brothers.
We have met them once and would have continued had distance not been a problem. We sent them regular updates and photographs and as our beautiful boy died I am so glad we did

My first thought is that the SW should not have put you in that position, second - is that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your priority is the safety of your family, not the feelings of the birth family.
Third is that if the birth parents really are a danger then you need to change your phone numbers and email address.
Then think about what level of contact you would be happy with and arrange that via SWs. I would not be giving them photos or communicating in any way which could be traced to you.
Its not fair to you to be put under this pressure and I would question the birth family’s abilty to keep information safe.
My son’s birth mum found him on facebook - he has a very unique name, his brother told a cousin his surname, cousin told his mum who told my son’s birth mum ( they are sisters)
I wasnt best pleased as I’d told my son not to set up a FB page, I found in during one of random searches to check what he had been up to. Fortunately his birth mum is not a danger and has not tried to contact him. But it shows how very easy it is for information to get round when birth family are in contact.

@Ted27 that’s my big fear. I don’t mind at the moment because they’re too young for Facebook, but with their name being changed, I wouldn’t want birth family knowing the new one. And obviously the child knows their new name, so they would expect it to be used?

@Mynamenotaccepted i am so sorry for your loss ❤️

@WinnerWinnerSundayDinner

FB is a bit old hat for the youth of today! My son is 17, he soon moved on to other social media platforms - its just so easy. He also thought he ‘disguised’ his name by knocking off a few letters and adding a Z - he just couldnt see how identifiable he was.
The problem you have is about creating expectations - that you will give information and photos on demand, whats next - vists, days out. My son also blabbed to his brother about our home city.
I think the more you give, the more they will ask for.

adopted my child as a baby. Birth parents were described as very dangerous so I was advised to change their name and keep off social media.

Absolutely, categorically not. So many of the tragic stories in adoption occur when BPs find their biological children and cause difficulties. SS recommending a name change is very uncommon and only done with good reason.

the SW said (infront of them) that we should exchange numbers to plan future contact. I thought this was a one off meeting so I wasn’t pleased, but it was too late.

This was staggeringly inappropriate. I really think you need to make a complaint about this so that it doesn't happen to someone again. You've been put in a really awful situation by utterly unprofessional behaviour.

I also think you may wish to involve a SW in contact with BF to reset realistic contact expectations but, regardless, a difficult conversation needs to be had with them by someone about why they won't be getting photos and contact will be on your terms.

Thanks everyone. I’ll speak to my SW tomorrow and see what we can do (my SW is different to the child’s SW who said to exchange numbers)

Hmmm. I'd think forward, 5 or 10 years from now, what contact do you want that family to be having?
Might help you make a decision for now.

Personally I'd be blocking their number as this child is in your family, however I'm aware of the impact down the line why this could be a bad decision.

But if BM is risky there's no way id be sending pictures to that family.

Given that the birth has been identified as a risk, I’d be stopping direct contact and going through social work. You’ve been put in an impossible position, and one that is quite risky for your child. Speak to your social worker and explain your concerns. As the legal parent of your child you have the right to make any decision you deem necessary to protect your child and family life, you don’t owe the extended birth family anything.

It may be helpful to maintain some level
of contact with appropriate boundaries in terms of the kids having some sense of identity but I’d want social work help in establishing that.