Worried about being approved for adoption

[Robyn25ttc]

My partner and I are considering adoption as an alternative to pursuing fertility treatment. My partner and I have suffered two miscarriages and I have fertility problems which makes IVF success less likely.
We both own our home, have excellent jobs in public service with good pay. We also have a dog who is well-behaved and great around children.
I am a teacher so have experience of children with the care system and who have been adopted , as well as those with additional needs and mental health concerns.
We have looked at IVF as a positive alternative to starting a family, however I have anxiety about us being approved.
Reason 1: We both have had mental health issues as a result of our fertility journey and miscarriages. My partner also has historic depression due to bereavement. We have both seeked counselling and I have medication for anxiety that I take only when I feel Im becoming anxious (this is not a permanent medication).
Reason 2: We have chose not to pursue fertility treatment. This has not been an easy decision, however we have accepted that it is the end of our fertility journey. We feel becoming a parent is more important than a biological connection. However, how do we convince an agency of this?
Reason 3: We are both considered obese. Myself BMI of 40, partner 49. However; have no health concerns relating to our weight. I understand we would need to loose the weight before applying to adopt.
Reason 4. Previous domestic incidents at parents house. Arguments with parents in the past have in some incidences led to the police being called. Although I do have a good relationship with my parents they have not taken full accountability for their role in these domestics. My parents seem to think that these incidents will not be logged on database.
We both have clear DBS’s.

What do you think?

Thanks

We had I no investigations to establish what our fertility issues are but did not pursue it further. I have a history of depression and anxiety and I felt the stress of treatment which comes with no guarantees of success was not for me. I was also on anxiety medication during the adoption process and it all it meant was that I had to be able to show that I could manage it and seek additional support as needed. For both these points you will not be uncommon in terms of the approval process.

You will both need to lose weight and show a commitment to a healthy lifestyle before you will be approved. Your current weights will be flagged during your medicals so there is no avoiding this issue.

The issues around the domestic violence and your parents will come to light and I suspect could be an issue both during approval and matching given that exposure to domestic violence is one of the reasons why children can be placed for adoption in the first place.

1.I think the fact that you’ve acknowledged you need help and have accepted it will be seen as a positive?
2.Most of the time you’re asked to leave a full year after TTC/IVF to show you’ve accepted it’s not your plan anymore? If you’ve done that then there shouldn’t be an issue
3.you’ll be asked to do a medical, but as long as your weight isn’t effecting your health then it shouldn’t be an issue. I said I would look at losing weight when applying for my first, then adopted again when I was heavier and it wasn’t mentioned
4.this could be a problem, but talk openly with your SW about it and they’ll be able to give you an idea if it will block your chances? They’ll want to discuss it I’d expect and how your relationship with them is now. Also, how you’ll prevent future issues with them and your child

Honestly your weight is likely to be an issue, and I say that as someone who’s BMI is higher than I’d like. They’ll want to see sustained weight loss over a period of time and an understanding of what constitutes healthy diet and exercise.

Previous MH issues are less of a concern - you’ll need to be able to talk openly about the issues and your experience of seeking help, triggers and how you know when you’re starting to slip but MH issues are common around infertility so you should be ok there.

In terms of domestic issues, you’d need to be clear about what was happening at the time, what the police involvement was about and what relationships are like now. I’d also expect you to be clear about how you’d protect any children placed from the impact of domestic altercations, eg what happened, who was the person being abusive (it’s not clear from your OP whether it was abuse directed from your parents to you or vice versa - which makes a difference). I’d expect you to be open and honest about the dynamics at play in your relationship with your parents and your responses because the way you respond to stress and conflict will have a direct bearing on you as parents.

It can be an intrusive process but social workers actively want to find families for children, they just need to be sure children are being placed in safe, stable homes with parents who will be around to see them into adulthood and beyond as far as possible.

Good luck.

I sit on adoption panels. I would say being obese is the one factor which will go against you most. The other things can be talked through so an understanding of the situation can be gained. I would start by addressing your weight issues so you can show you can deal with difficult situations and understand what a healthy diet looks like.

Thank you for your replies.
we will definitely try and get our bmis down before applying. And the domestic incidents weren’t anything too serious mainly just heated rows from both sides. From my point of view it was my parents not understanding the extent of my anxiety and maybe not taking it as seriously as I would have liked, and from there point of view them not knowing how to best support me with my anxiety issues which made it difficult for them to communicate.

It's not usual for the police to need to get involved in family disagreements, no matter how heated, so you will need to reflect on your own emotional regulation, stress response, and role in that.

Obese people do adopt. However, they will want to see that you're addressing this seriously, as a health risk- it is impossible to be healthy with a BMI of 49, just the physicality of moving with that much weight is not healthy.

None of those are absolute barriers, but reason 4 and reason 3 are biggies you need to work on.