Adopting abroad? I think I would be declined due to disability

[TurquoiseSwirl]

Both 40, no children.
I am at home full time due to disability. I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be accepted to be adopted parents because of this. Which is stupid as if I could carry a pregnancy, then we wouldn’t even be on social services radar, nor if we did surrogacy. We did start down the surrogacy route because we thought we would be turned down due to being on high rate care and mobility PIP. We had a bad experience and have left it.

Seeing about the amount of children in orphanages over in Ukraine and coming over here has restarted me wanting to look into adoption. A cursory search tells me I can only adopt from abroad if I am approved here in the U.K. and if I’m approved here then adopting here makes sense. I know we would not be getting a baby, it would be a toddler or young child as I don’t think I could cope with the foster to adopt process and the risk of your child going back to their birth parents.

If needed my DH would drop to 50% hours or even take a few year career break if that what the adoption panel wanted.

Or maybe realistically if we want to have a child then we need to look back into surrogacy. I’m already happy with the non genetic link part as we were going to do TS or donor egg surrogacy and it isn’t an issue for DH either. I guess the only way to see is to contact an adoption agency/attend the first meetings, but seems painful if it’s already going to be a no.

Anyone with a disability managed to get approved by a U.K. adoption agency?

Yes I do know people with disabilties who have adopted. Its certainly worth talking to some agencies.
It will depend on the nature of your disabilty, how you manage day to day, what plans you have in place for childcare, your long term health.
Most adopted children will have additional needs, some are very challenging, you also need to factor in how you would manage a child with complex needs, particularly if you have high care needs yourself.

Thanks very much for replying. I would probably fail on the what would the future hold thing, as it’s so unknown.
But then I know people in real life with cancer diagnosis that have had kids or done surrogacy and nothing is guaranteed. But I understand why for an adopted child they wouldn’t take any risks over future health to give them proper permanence.

Maybe I need to go back to thinking about surrogacy not adoption, which seems crazy if there’s a home I can give a child.

Long term child care DH would take a years adoption leave to start with and then drop his hours or child in nursery a few days a week if needed. But I guess child going to nursery or wrap around child care around school in the future would be a no.

I’ve worked with people on the other side, the parents who’ve had their children taken away from them, so seen the hardship and damage that the children come with.

My husband has arthrogryposis, we didn’t have any issues. I think generally as long as a condition doesn’t drastically impact on lifespan and you are able to care for yourself then disability often isn’t a barrier to adoption.

We adopted our children from Russia. We still had to go through an extensive assessment process, here in Ireland and also there.
If you think you'll fail a domestic adoption assessment them, I'm sorry to say that you'll probably fail an intercountry adoption assessment too.
Intercountry adoption isn't an easier option .
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

@gabsdot45 thanks that’s what I thought, that I’d have to pass here.

@TurquoiseSwirl

you do seem to be admitting defeat before you have even started
No one here can tell you if you would be successful or not- we don't know the details of your situation.
I"m not asking you to give out information here. As you say in your first post, the only way you will know is to speak to some agencies
Give it a shot - what have you got to lose?

It very much depends on how your disability would impact your ability to care for a child. While your husband can obviously care, you too would need to be able to provide physical and emotional care for any child placed. Part of the assessment would look at what might happen if for any reason your husband couldn’t provide care eg whether you would be able to parent independently given your disability.

Some children do ok in mainstream school and wrap around care (both of mine do), others won’t be able to or maybe struggle with both pre and after school care and there’s not always a way of predicting that at assessment. Social work would also consider the potential for any child placed to become a young carer themselves, which isn’t uncommon where parents have a disability.

No one here can say yes or no, it very much depends on the nature of your disability and any future prognosis. It’s definitely worth speaking to a couple of agencies about the specifics of your situation before making a decision either way.

@Ted27 you are right, the only way I’ll know is if I make enquiries.
I think the thinking now is having a child through adoption at this point is still a possibility and if I don’t enquire then it’s on my terms if it doesn’t happen, but if I do enquire and get told no then that’s it, game over.
I’m guessing if I get a no from one agency then that’s it. I don’t really know how all the different agencies work and how you decide which one to start with.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas
Care wise I have friends kids and relatives children stay over and I manage when DH is at work on my own, but understand that I can give my all for a day and then crash.
I don’t have a terminal prognosis, but something that could theoretically cause problems in the future.
If I thought a child would become a young carer for me then I wouldn’t do it.

I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be accepted to be adopted parents because of this. Which is stupid as if I could carry a pregnancy, then we wouldn’t even be on social services radar, nor if we did surrogacy.

But then I know people in real life with cancer diagnosis that have had kids or done surrogacy and nothing is guaranteed.

Some of this post is a little blunt. It's meant kindly.

First things first: if you want to adopt I think you need to change your mindset about why you should adopt. Adoption is not about you, it's about providing a permanent family for a child who's parents are unable to. If you can do that you will pass the adoption assessment and if you can't then why would you want a child, by whatever method?

When the state has intervened to remove a child from harm it has a duty to ensure that the new family has as good a chance as possible of being successful. That's a completely different situation to someone becoming pregnant by the normal route. Any child you adopt is more likely to face challenged than the average child- that's why the assessment needs to consider these factors.

Disbility is not a barrier per se, it's something which will need to discussed and planned for. That will be intrusive and require you to think honestluy about things but that is true in every adoption.

It's hard to know whether you are worrying unnecesarily without knowing something about your disability. Is there a risk of incapacity such that you may be permanently incapable of childcare in the next few years? If not I suspect that this won't be nearly as difficult as you think.

The quality of adoption agencies varies. This might be particularly important because of your circumstances so spend a bit longer considering your options. Try to talk to people who have adopted through the agency you are looking at.

Too much depends on your exact disability, and what that looks like, and how it would affect your child.

I think you need to do a lot more research, and let go of any feeling of wanting control over things, before looking in to adoption. I find it hard to believe someone who had read "the primal wound" for example would even consider surrogacy.

I adopted a baby. I have a 'disability' in the legal definition of the term. But that's irrelevant to your situation, really. You have to be willing to start by discussing with adoption agencies. You need tenacity in adoption, so if you're planning to give up if the first agency says no, then I wonder if adoption is for you.