Hi

[yesdaddy]

My partner and I are foster carers
We have three children, 15,12 and 9 years old sibling for whom we have permanence

Last July, a two years old girl, P, was put in our care under a PPO for emergency
Since moving with us, P has truly made herself a big part of our weird and wonderful family
Now the proceeding are coming to an end and it does look like P is going for adoption
Which we truly are considering

I am just worried that I am taking a emotional decision
And I worry that in the future, P would resent us
Although we are mummy and daddy now , and that to her , the other children are her siblings, I am scared that one day she would grow curious and navigate towards her birth family and how I would handle it
How do you approach the subject later on in life that she is adopted ?

Perhaps I'm being silly and overthinking ?

Please if anyone could give me some insight it would be great

Many thanks

Am I understanding that the three older children are your birth children or are they placed with you on a permanent basis? If the later that’s a bridge you’ll need to cross with them too eg why they’re with you and not their birth family so you’ll have had some of those discussions as a foster carer already.

You can guarantee at some point the youngest will be curious and may want a relationship with her birth family of some kind, which I guess you’d navigate in much the same way as you’d navigate contact with fostered children eg under the support of social work.

In terms of broaching adoption for us that’s been a natural discussion that’s taken place (and still takes place) over time. Current wisdom is for their adoption to always be part of their life story rather than something that’s revealed down there line. Have you discussed adoption with your foster child’s social worker?

I would be more worried if it wasn’t an emotional decision for you. The little one seems very settled with you and has formed secure attachment.
Have you had a chat with her social worker or your social worker? I think this would be a good idea to start with. You’ll need to be approved to adopt even though she’s in your care at present but they can fast track the process if a placement order is to be granted. (You probably know this already, sorry!)
As far as the questions are concerned, you are right to give this thought. They are heart breaking when they come and she’ll start asking questions pretty young. (My DD did). However, you sound attuned to her and will answer these as they come in a sensitive and an age appropriate way I’m sure. They are kind of bridges that you have to cross when you come to them but they can hit you at the most unexpected times. In the car, for example as well as more expected times such as bedtime. I have learned to give just the right amount of info to satisfy DD without overwhelming her. The drip feeding of information also desensitises any shock value.
An example of one of her first questions was, “Mummy, did I grow in your tummy?” When DS (birth child) was talking about something when I was pregnant with him.
She’s happy and secure. I know I will get more questions but our bond and love are as strong as if she were my biological child and enough for us to deal with the questions and future together.
I can’t say I’ve been through her wanting to get in touch with birth parents as yet. She’s not old enough. However, it’s another bridge that we’ll all cross together when it comes (and it will). No matter what she’ll always be my girl and the rest can just happen. You’ll hopefully feel like this too.
I hope this rambling post has helped a little!
Good luck x

@Jellycatspyjamas

Am I understanding that the three older children are your birth children or are they placed with you on a permanent basis? If the later that’s a bridge you’ll need to cross with them too eg why they’re with you and not their birth family so you’ll have had some of those discussions as a foster carer already.

You can guarantee at some point the youngest will be curious and may want a relationship with her birth family of some kind, which I guess you’d navigate in much the same way as you’d navigate contact with fostered children eg under the support of social work.

In terms of broaching adoption for us that’s been a natural discussion that’s taken place (and still takes place) over time. Current wisdom is for their adoption to always be part of their life story rather than something that’s revealed down there line. Have you discussed adoption with your foster child’s social worker?

@Jellycatspyjamas Be never were blessed with birth children We have been fostering with over 20 years But we were blessed with previous long term placement ( 17 years) to three girls to whom we are mum and dad

The siblings group of three living in our care are long term foster children to whom we have permanence and the oldest , M, 15 say that she will only move out when she's 30 and that my wife will still do her washing then lol

I think I am just worried that adopting P will be the closest thing we have to a birth child , and that I am scared that she would when she's old enough gravitate towards her birth family and ditch us if that makes sense

@MummyJ12

I would be more worried if it wasn’t an emotional decision for you. The little one seems very settled with you and has formed secure attachment. Have you had a chat with her social worker or your social worker? I think this would be a good idea to start with. You’ll need to be approved to adopt even though she’s in your care at present but they can fast track the process if a placement order is to be granted. (You probably know this already, sorry!) As far as the questions are concerned, you are right to give this thought. They are heart breaking when they come and she’ll start asking questions pretty young. (My DD did). However, you sound attuned to her and will answer these as they come in a sensitive and an age appropriate way I’m sure. They are kind of bridges that you have to cross when you come to them but they can hit you at the most unexpected times. In the car, for example as well as more expected times such as bedtime. I have learned to give just the right amount of info to satisfy DD without overwhelming her. The drip feeding of information also desensitises any shock value. An example of one of her first questions was, “Mummy, did I grow in your tummy?” When DS (birth child) was talking about something when I was pregnant with him. She’s happy and secure. I know I will get more questions but our bond and love are as strong as if she were my biological child and enough for us to deal with the questions and future together. I can’t say I’ve been through her wanting to get in touch with birth parents as yet. She’s not old enough. However, it’s another bridge that we’ll all cross together when it comes (and it will). No matter what she’ll always be my girl and the rest can just happen. You’ll hopefully feel like this too. I hope this rambling post has helped a little! Good luck x

@MummyJ12 Thank you for your insight

Yea we have had various talks with our social worker . The local
Authority are all in agreement that P should stay with us and supporting our adoption plan. And yes wow will be fast tracked
Just waiting for the decision maker ( the judge) to agree to adoption

I am just worrying that one day, P will turn around and I will no longer be dad , that my wife will ko longer be mummy and she will gravitate towards her birth family

How can just little being have turned our life upside down and made us mummy and daddy and make just a big place in our family
Even the other foster children in our home have made her one of their own
The bond between them
Is so profound and it's beautiful to watch happening in front of us

With respect, P has every right to one day seek her birth family, and it isn't something a potential adopter should be afraid of.

Why are you so worried about this with P when you already have this as a possibility with the 3 other children in your care?