Ending co-sleeping.

[Rainallnight]

I’d really welcome some advice.

Two years ago, DD started to co-sleep with either me or DP during a period of upheaval for our family. She was 3.5 at the time, now 5.5.

We got in the habit of her being in my and DP’s bed with one of us, with DP and I taking it in turns to be in the spare room.

She would become hysterical at the idea of being in her own bed in her own room. We bought her a lovely new bed about six months ago and while she’ll happily play in it, she didn’t want to sleep in it.

Last week, DP and I both got Covid. DP told DD she had to sleep in her own bed so she didn’t catch it, and to our amazement, she went like a lamb. She’s slept there for 5 nights in a row now, with me at the other end of the bed for company while she falls asleep.

The question: do we continue with this or not, making the most of this move?

DP and I are very keen to get back to some sort of normal sleeping arrangements. It’s been not great for our relationship never to share a bed. And it feels as though DD is getting to an age where she really should be able to sleep in her own room (her little brother is also in that room, for context).

However, DD has been in pretty dreadful form this week and has had a lot of big emotional outbursts and episodes of disregulation. (We’d usually have one or two of these a week but now we’re seeing at least one a day). It’s obviously been a disruptive week generally - different school friends have been taking her to school because we’ve been isolating and of course it’s always a bit weird when your parents are ill. But she’s also made clear she misses sleeping with us (me in particular) and wants to get back in ‘her’ (our!) bed ASAP.

She’s been with us since 8 months old and copes fine with about 90% of life. She’s recently been diagnosed with some attachment issues which I suppose is giving me extra pause for thought.

So - get her back in our bed? Or make the most of this cold turkey and get her to stay in her own bed, and assume she’ll be ok with it eventually?

Thank you for reading if you’ve got this far!

Did she use to fall asleep in your bed, or appear in the night? My compromise is that my kids always go to sleep in their own beds, but they're allowed to come through in the night if they have a bad dream etc (3yo and 5yo)

Fall asleep in our bed. It was very much ‘her’ bed!

No advice here, just didn't want you to think you're the only ones. AD5.5 has now moved permanently into our room with me, daddy sleeping in another room. During the day she finds the idea of her own bed appealing. We've explained that she can't do sleepovers at other family members without us until she can sleep in her own bed (neither she nor they would be able to cope with the fallout). She conned daddy out of an alarm clock on the promise of sleeping in her own bed and even having a cat that can sleep with her in her room is not enough to move her back to her own room come bedtime. We carry on because we've decided to prioritise her and my sleep over where she sleeps.

Thanks @ifchocolatewerrcelery. Good to hear we’re not alone! Santa brought a kids’ Alexa for her room and her room only but it hasn’t been enough so far.

Learning how to sleep by herself in her own bed is a skill that she will have to learn and that you, as a parent, are responsible for teaching to her - the earlier the better. You want her to grow up as an independent person who is able to sleep by herself. I think that 5 years old is definitely an age when you would expect a child to sleep in their own bed. She has obviously demonstrated to you that she is capable of doing it. Also, and without being judgemental, I don’t think it is appropriate that you and your partner have had to rotate beds and not sleep together as a couple for so long, just so that she can sleep in your bed. Teaching kids how to sleep by themselves can be though and sometimes it’s just easier not to deal with the drama and just let the kid sleep in our bed (I’ve got 3 adoptes toddlers who sleep in their beds so I know this first hand). But as a parent, it’s something that is incumbent on you to promote and teach to them. Good luck!

I have a different view, my DS came to us aged 4 and was very used to co-sleeping with foster carers (I know, that’s a whole other issue). We tried getting him to sleep in his own room with varying levels of success but lots of stress, and he invariably ended up in our bed which was the best way for everyone to get a reasonable amount of sleep. Even if he started in his own bed he’d come through at some point waking everybody in the process.

A few months ago we redecorated his bedroom and bought a new, larger bed. He’s slept in his own bed ever since.

For him he just needed to grow out of it, trying to force the issue made things much worse and caused him a high level of distress. I just took the view that he needed closeness at night, and wouldn’t still be sleeping in with mum and dad as a teenager.

Waiting til he was ready gave him control over something very fundamental, and the transition has been completely painless for him.

That’s quite a lot of change and disruption all at once, no wonder she might be feeling wobbly and I wouldn’t blame you for giving her that security and closeness of your bed again. Personally, I wouldn’t function properly if I was co-sleeping with my children, but I think whatever works best for you as a family right now is the route you should take. If you decide to not go back to co-sleeping, is there anything else you could try to bolster her feelings of security - maybe one on one special time with each of you?

I think you have to do what works best for you. Our eldest DS for 6 years ALWAYS went to bed in his own bed but would without fail come through to us in the night. Then one day it stopped. Our youngest DS (now six) has come through to our bed every time since he figured out how to escape from his cot. We now have a single mattress in our room…and I am hopeful that he will grow out of it - but in his own time.

For you - I think if she has slept several nights in own bed - then maybe try to encourage it and see if you have broken it - but don’t be too hard on yourself if you go back to how it was.

It doesn’t last forever…

As others have said you need to do what is best for your family. However it is ok to try and keep her in her own bed if that is what you want. I know as parents we worry about causing some kind of damage to our children by forcing things but if you would prefer her to sleep in her own bed then try it and perhaps with all the other things returning to normal (you taking her to school etc) she will learn to cope with this change.
As adopters we always have that 'extra' worry but I'm learning that I'm a far better parent when I try and incorporate my wants in to our routine too. Hope that makes sense. A good tip someone told me was to not shine a light on these things all the time. I.e. constantly talking to them about sleeping in there own bed, allowing them to choose new sheets for the bed etc. If she has accepted the new sleeping arrangement.. just go with it as the new norm. In my case it worked until they get ill and you have to start it all over again 😂

Good luck.

Could you wean her off a bit like you would a baby that's moving to their own bed? Maybe start by getting her a mattress next to your bed and moving it away?

Ive been thinking about your problem as its one I could easily have had/have in future myself. Im a big fan of cosleeping as so good for attachment, so good, and so lovely, but yes it has its limits and its always hard to know. I think the poster before me maybe has the best approach. Maybe you can use this time as a stepping stone and see the future change coming next. So maybe start with your covid now of staying alongside her while she falls asleep in her bed, so she knows that you have to go to your bed when shes asleep 'because of the covid' and say then continue this, and when your covid is 'all over' (not yet give a little longer to get her the gentle practice_ say ok now covids gone, wel stay like this going to sleep in your bed as its so lovely in your room at night ( i like how the lights sparkle as we go to sleep or something!) but any time you wake up in the night you just come in my bed (or you say 'call me and il come in bed with you' whatever you feel is more appropriate to your family situation etc etc) , Then she wont be worried, and you wont be distrurbed until first wake up, which will stretch longer and longer hopefully, and yet only have to do one disturb in the night which will help? I think thats what Ive concluded Id do in your situation! I am a big fan of gentle gentle and had 2 very co sleepers who now sleep along at 8 and 6 but only recently shuffled to their own beds maybe a year ago when i got bunk beds and I couldnt be in 2 places at once. But Im really glad we got to for so long and I defo miss it in some ways!

I would prioritise my relationship over your daughter in this case, while trying to find a compromise. No one wins of you end up separating.

We have a foldable matrass our children can sleep on in our bedroom. It is less comfortable than their own beds, so they only use it if they need it. We have had children sleep in our room for a few months in a row, but they always go back to their own beds in the end.

You might want to try that as a compromise/ a first step towards sleeping in her own bed for good? She could sleep there anytime or during the week and in her bed at weekends.

Do you have a white noise machine? I know a family whose child could not sleep on their own for years, but miraculously did once there were sounds. I sometimes put my phone in my daughters' room with Christiane Kerr's guided "bedtime meditations for kids". They loved that.