Are these reasons to be rejected?

[LoveAndLemons]

Hello everyone,

I'm after some advice as we embark upon the adoption journey. Specifically, I would like to understand if, in your opinion, we are likely to be rejected.

I'm 45 and my husband of 20 years is 50. We have one 10 year old DS.
We both work full time - me in the public sector and my DH in a senior IT role - but I'd be happy to drop to part time after one year of adoption leave or even give up my role.

We have a spare bedroom, we own our house outright and are secure financially.

We don't have any previous marriages or children with other people, no criminal convictions, no adoption or fostering or divorce in our birth families. We don't smoke and don't drink. We've lived in the same place for over 20 years so have a good support network in terms of friends and neighbours.

Now for the possible negatives:

We're both on a low dose of a mainstream anti-depressant. I went on it after my son was born as I had post-natal OCD. I tried to come off it but had a relapse in my OCD in 2016 for no apparent reason and I've been back on the antidepressant ever since and been very stable. I have also had CBT for OCD which has helped hugely. I'm reluctant to try to come off the pills again because my OCD is well controlled and I have no side effects from the medication.

My husband went on antidepressants 3 years ago following a very stressful period at work. He's discussed coming off the pills with his GP but they have agreed there is no reason to at the moment as his work is prone to stressful periods and he's doing well on the medication.

The other thing which could be an issue is that about 15 years ago we both had an affair - first him, then me - and we almost split up. This would be documented in our medical history as I was frequently speaking to my GP at the time because of feeling very low and GP was acting as a counsellor almost. We're well over the troubled times and our relationship has never felt more secure but I'm wondering if the affairs need to be disclosed or if they will come out because of the medical notes: are Social Services going to request our full medical history?

I'm truly grateful for your opinions.

[LoveAndLemons]

Anyone please?

[Ted27]

@LoveAndLemons

Hi, I don't think anything you have said is an outright dealbreaker.
You don't have to hand over a full medical history but you will have a medical which is quite thorough.
The assessment process will look into the stabilty of your relationship, and although I'm a long time single, I 'd bet most long marriages/ relationships have had their ups and downs.

Be honest with your SW, they arent looking for perfect people, they will be looking more at how you have overcome your difficulties.

You will be interviewed individually and your referees will also be interviewed. If you try to conceal anything, its more likely to come out and you will just end up tripping over yourself to maintain your 'story'

Good luck

[LoveAndLemons]

Thank you
We feel we have so much love and time to give to a child at this stage in our lives. I really hope this comes across when we're interviewed.

[ScottishBeth]

My DP and I have recently been approved as prospective adopters. I am on antidepressants, so just wanted to answer that part of the question.

Having any mental health issues in itself isn't a barrier to being approved. Your social worker will want to explore it with you. Things that trigger it, coping mechanisms, are you able to ask for help, are people in your support network aware? So I don't think you need to worry about that.

I would advise you be honest with the SWs about mental health issues and about the issues in your marriage. I would imagine there's a reasonable chance the SWs would find out even if you didn't, from your GP or one of your referees, and I can't imagine they would have a problem with that. 15 years is a long time and you've been through a lot since then.

[GoodTennis]

Also on a low dose antidepressant. They said to me because i sought help with my depression it shows i will look for help in hard times - something they expect could crop up during parenting.
I think the relationship problems youve had could also be a positive, youve moved on and youre secure in your relationship... so why is that? How did you get into the place youre in now - this is how they will angle it.
We had a difficult patch, not cheating but during my depression we werent honest with each other and we got over it and are stronger than ever and our sw focussed a lot on how we got there. They are pretty in depth when it comes to you and your relationship so i would chat to each other first and make sure nothing that gets asked will be news to each other

Good luck

[2bazookas]

Don't hide your past problems.

Be open about them. They are the evidence you have experience of some tough problems and worked through them together; you're a team, solid, resilient, in it for the long haul.

Adopters need those qualities.

[Frenzi]

I sit on an adoption panel (as an adoptive parent) and I wouldn't see anything that you mentioned as being a problem.

Firstly, don't try to hide anything as if it does come out and you didn't tell your SW it looks pretty bad. Be open with them. When it comes to the affair, talk to your SW about it when you are being interviewed together and also when you have your solo interviews. If you have long standing friends who know what happened and saw you work your way through it think about using them as your referees as they can tell the SW how you work through things together and how strong you now are as a couple.

So many people are now on anti-depressants it is almost the norm! The fact that you both recognised that you needed something for your mood/to help what you were going through at the time shows a willingness to seek help.

Be honest about your OCD - how it has affected you, when you realised you needed help and how you would recognise the signs of things getting worse and what you would do (should it get worse).

You need to turn your affair and the fact that you are still together into a positive and be very open about it. It was a long time ago and to remain together you have obviously talked about what happened and both worked hard to turn things around. That shows an awful lot of resilience and team work - something you most definitely need with an adopted child. It shows you can work things through, work together and don't crumble at problems that throw themselves at you. It shows a huge amount of togetherness and team work.

Stop worrying.

Good luck with the whole process.

[PicaK]

What are the signs that you are going downhill? Do you know each other's? What would you do if you saw it in them? Who would you ask for help? Who'd look after the child if you needed a few days to recharge? Who'd spot if you were both struggling?
Those are the kind of things you need to think about and have answers for - not just to get approved but as actual useful stuff.
Sadly my xdh knew the early signs for me, talked about them in assessment - then stood by and watched me slip into extremely poor mental health because well, I'm not sure exactly. He was overwhelmed and very busy at work for 2 years.
The affair stuff is a plus. So long as you talked it through, understood the reasons, can be open and honest with each other.
They don't want perfect people with no problems - they want them already stress tested and still together.