I'm a terrible mother

[IJustLostMyShit]

I really lost my shit with my 7 year old. Did something that could have had an awful consequence for her baby brother and I absolutely lost it. She is wailing upstairs, I think I really scared her. I'm crying downstairs. I'm shit at this therapeutic parenting. She will just remember all the times I've shouted at her. Honestly I just cannot cope with life anymore.

I genuinely believe I need to pack my bag and just leave. Just disappear.

To clarify, SHE did something stupid that could have had terrible consequences.

you aren't a horrible mother. you were scared and reacted strongly.
take a breath and remember we are all human. sometimes the most powerful
thing you can do as a parent is apologise to your child when something goes wrong and let her see that you feel very very sorry for scaring her. then when things are calmer you can talk about the thing that happened. much love. i know a lot of people on this board will want to surround you with support.

You aren't a horrible mother you are human. It's been some time since you posted so hopefully you feel calmer and have gone and reassured her. Your job now is to show her that we all lose our shit sometimes, but we can come back from it, be calm again and still love and keep each other safe- you know that though I'm sure. And try to get some self care time this weekend, parenting is hard.

You aren’t a terrible mother, you have clearly had a huge shock and you reacted, you are human.

I’ve just posted elsewhere about celebrating our 10th anniversary. We will go out for pizza tonight and talk about our memories. He won’t remember the time when he was 8 and he pulled a solid wood wardrobe over, nearly killed himself, he won’t remember throwing something down the stairs and knocking a large mirror of the wall which sent glass everywhere, including over him, he won’t remember slamming a door and hitting my head so hard I saw stars. I yelled my head off at him all of these times, and many others.
He won’t remember, he will talk about the holidays, the days out, the cuddles and the love.
Your daughter will be the same - when you are calmer, go and cuddle her, tell her you love her, explain that you shouted because you were scared, that we all do stupid things sometimes but that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

what support do you have? Do you have a partner?

Like others have said- you reacted in the moment. Talk to her calmly about how parents gets scared as well- and reactions are sometimes powered by emotions.
Does she like being a big sister? Would she react well if you reinforced the idea of positive responsibilities when it came to baby bro?

Thank you all. I have a husband but the poor man is currently bed bound after an operation. He was trying to get out of bed to support and that made me feel even worse. I put the children into separate rooms, made sure they were safe, and then just sobbed hysterically to him. He phoned my mum and she has come round to have the baby.

She loves her baby brother. She adores him. She has suspected SEN and I'm battling to get her support and help (and failing against a crap system) and she sometimes makes daft decisions. Like any child.

We have hugged, she has apologised and I have also apologised. She asked me why I shouted and I said I was sorry and that sometimes dangerous situations make grown ups panic. She asked me why I cried and I said because I felt sad that I had shouted at her. I told her it's ok for grown ups to cry too and sometimes a good cry is what we all need.

She has gone off perfectly happily now. I'm sat still feeling wobbly and awful.

This shows that you are a great parent! Explaining why you shouted and why you cried, you are literally teaching her about emotions and saying sorry! Xx

Doesn't sound like your shit at this therapeutic parenting thing to me! Repairing things is often just as effective as making it happen in my opinion.

Do something that will make you feel happy today even if it's just doing your favourite dinner tonight!

I read somewhere a number of years ago when going through a very tough time with my beautiful boy, that to build attachment there needs to be rupture and then repair in relationships. You will have challenging times, but the process of repair is incredibly important. Please be kind to yourself. My son and I sometimes reminisce and laugh about things in the past that were quite frankly incredibly stressful. ((Hugs))

I'm sure we've all been there, read all the books, applied the advice and then lost our minds at one (or a few) points along the way.

Several months ago, my daughter kept kicking my seat as I was driving on the motorway. My husband shouted, she kicked more, I shouted, parked the car at the services and walked off. Couldn't find anything in the therapeutic parenting book to fix that one but hey ho. I'm not proud of even writing this but I hope it gives you perspective.

I apologised for walking off, explained I was feeling really unsafe and scared. Months later, it's forgotten and we are still bonding. We were told it was going to be hard so... It is.

Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself.

Oh god I’ve so been there, when my DD karate kicked a full length mirror in her room smashing it to bits, when my DS decided to explore a busy park all by himself, when my DD jammed her brothers head in the patio doors. I lost my shit in a big way each time. Each time had to go back, talk it through, apologise, explain why I lost it, repair things with them.

I also have special needs in the mix, which is a different kind of stress altogether especially when you’re trying to get support in place.

You’re human and it sounds like you got a fright. While I don’t think it should be anyone’s “go to” response, I do think it’s ok for them to know we have our limits, because it teaches them that it’s ok they too have their limits. And that relationships can be repaired when things go wrong.

I’d love it if I could be the model therapeutic parent all the time, but sometimes things get out of hand, and I believe the process of fixing things is therapeutic too. Be kind to yourself, reflect on what happened and other choices that might have been open to you (be honest though, sometimes there just aren’t any “good” options and you aim for the least harmful of a shitty bunch) and aim to do it differently next time. That’s what you’d want your DD to do when she gets it wrong, so model that for yourself too.

Been there done that got the tshirt....

Feb half term, I'd taken girl out to cinema and then McDonald's for lunch.

I had to go and get petrol on way home and she started kicking off on way there, started kicking the back of my chair, throwing things at me, kicking the window, screaming at full volume and then the final straw she undid her seat belt and the seat belt of her younger brothers car seat (luckily he wasn't in the car).
I managed to find somewhere safe to stop, got out the car and screamed and swore at her 😫

She's been fine since, I still have attacks of the guilts 😢

@IJustLostMyShit you sound like a great mum with a lot on your plate.

We have had to fight so hard to get support for both our kids, one adopted, one birth child with chronic illness and autistic.

It's very tough, care for yourself.

Oh God then I must be the worst parent ever I've lost my s%&t a few times at my 4YO. It's usually ironically when I'm desperately trying to be engaging/therapeutic and I just burn out. Of course I feel horrendous for it and feel temendous guilt. I'm not defending it at all but I do think that it's important in a true attachment for kids to understand that you're human and that you have emotions and a limit. As long as you are a connected parent the majority of the time then you're doing great. We're human. Don't dwell x x x

I have several t shirts going back a few years 😳 parenting traumatised children can be very very hard and exhausting. Despite my parenting fails my kids honestly seem to be happy and healthy and have a good bond with us. 🍷💐🍟

My daughter is a very tiny, very determined 6 year old. She could charm the birds out of the sky! She’s brilliant, but determined, and sometimes we clash because I’m pretty stubborn too (I’ve met my match though).

Yesterday school decided to send them home with a runner bean they’d each grown. It was tall and had no support and it was also incredibly windy. I knew she’d be upset if it got damaged though. I protected it for her and managed to get it back to the car still alive, whilst juggling two kids, school bags, coats and water bottles. I put it on the front seat, quite proud of myself…only for my daughter to reach for something in the front (that she must have there and then) and yank it over to the back seat - squishing the plant without a second thought. I was cross - I did apologise and we’ve tried to fix the plant together - it won’t fix. But we had a chat about taking care of things, why mummy got (irrationally) cross, and that we all make mistakes.