Foster carers lied should I just leave it?

[Spambod]

Hi all I am a regular poster but I have name changed as this is so outing. We adopted our DD at 15 months old. She had been in FC since she was 2 weeks old. She had been in NICU from birth to 2 weeks with NEonatal abstinence syndrome so she was withdrawing. Birth mum drank heavily during early pregnancy and tested positive for many drugs after birth. Her reports form the LAC consultant, paed consultant and health visitor mentioned some motor delay but no other issues ahead on speech at 7 months apparently no concerns and meeting developmental milestones apart from some motor delay. Fc reported she was saying words and pointing, engaging, social, thriving, developing, curious etc. Due to COVID appointments were over the phone. She had a consult with the top FAS consultant on the phone who said that due to her being engaged and social and having no speech delay it was unlikely she would develop FASD.

FC reported that her eating was fine, it’s not, she still struggles with harder food and needs to be spoon and hand fed all meals and snacks, she can only drink from a teet bottle and shows no indication of being hungry or full. They said she communicated when she needed a nappy change, she doesn’t and she is still in nappies. She likes us and plays with us but she does not hug us or want to hold hands or show any affection. She stims and grinds her teeth a lot.

The LA had approached 3 couples before us. We were number 4 and said yes. When we met her for intros we met a lovely baby, lethargic, very shy, no speech, very poor gross and fine motor skills and limited social interaction.

She is now 2 and a half. She still has no words and is unable to understand speech. She cannot walk and can stand for seconds only. She stood at 20 months and crawled at 18 months. She really lacks strength still, has poor gross and fine motor skills. She is severely delayed in all areas. The new HV and consultant both picked up on irregular skull and facial features. Simple blood test showed muscle issue. X ray showed hip issue. We are now waiting on genetic testing and a brain scan and orthopaedic referral for the hips.

We are now on a long road of applying for DlA and thinking about EHCNA’s blue badges and all manner of things in the world of disability. She has tons of appointments as we go through the long road of exploration and emerging diagnoses.

At 18 months the consultant put her at 6-10 months in terms of development. Both new HV and consultant noted significant head size and frontal bossing from birth.

If we had known the full picture then we could have asked different questions and really thought about how we were going to cope financially and with needing to care for her for life. It is likely she will be intellectually and physically disabled and instead of returning to work I will be her carer. She is also exceptionally big and heavy for her age she is off the centiles. Me and DH are older parents. As she can’t walk she needs lots of lifting and I have had a couple of operations on my back and DH will likely need a hip replacement at some stage so lifting is not really great for either of us and she is already over 15kg.

I need to vent. We just weren’t prepared for this life change. She is lovely and easy aside from the lifting but we are worried about the future.

I need other adopters perspectives. Should I say anything or not. I suppose I don’t want this to happen again to adopters and I am concerned that she treatment has been delayed because health professionals were not told the truth.

Absolutely you should say something. While you may be prepared to carry on with the placement, for some this would cause it to fall down and that should be avoided by giving accurate information and preparing adoptive parents what the reality.

Thanks ragz. That aspect hadn’t occurred to me but yes another couple with different circumstances may well have had to end the placement if they were unable to cope. Bonding has also been hard as she has had so many appointments, all the stress and uncertainty and paperwork, reports files, tests on an on….

Yes, you absolutely should. Complain to everyone.

Do you have your adoption order yet? I think the LA also need to step up here. What support are you getting - Im thinking particularly about adoption allowance
I’m sorry you’ve been put in this situation, you sound very committed to her, I hope you get the support you all need.

I think you should say something & also look into claiming DLA and PIP. Essentially you have taken on a child with high needs & as a result cannot return to work.

Do you really believe the FC actually lied or is it just because she was so young at the time that she was meeting most developmental milestones and no one could have predicted the level of her need? There is inherent uncertainty in adopting a young child. What a 7 month old baby should be doing is fairly limited really, so it's not a great predictor of future outcomes.

What would a FC gain by lying about this?

The adoption medical is usually fairly pessimistic, risk averse.... what did it say? I really do feel for you, you probably wanted to be parents, not carers and it's a reasonable desire to want your children to be independent as adults.

Do you have an adoption order or are you thinking that you might not be able to go through with it now?

I do not know if the foster carer lied or not.

But I do feel that the medical professionals have either done a terrible job of diagnosing your child or the adoption services have withheld important information.

I agree with everyone's wise, kind words and especially with converseandjeans "I think you should say something & also look into claiming DLA and PIP. Essentially you have taken on a child with high needs & as a result cannot return to work."

My birth child has PIP as is disabled. It is is very important to claim any and all benefits as these will be used to help your child. Do not be shy about asking for help etc.

I'm so sorry, good luck.

I also have an adopted child. His foster parents said he ate loads of things but he didn't. Maybe in his case he did eat better before he came. But I do think it is strange the foster carers said things she was doing, which she cannot do now, so it does seem suspicious.

Oh @Spambod I really feel for you and am sending you so many hugs.

You are not alone... I am a single adopter and over a year ago now was placed with a 4 year old boy. The boy who came home was VASTLY different to what both the FC's and SW had said during Matching.

Basically the FC's lied through their teeth and had also been mistreating him. He went through hell with them. The SW gave a much much rosier picture of him and of birth family life compared to the reality. They also actually omitted lots of significant information too.

I have a child with masses of Sensory issues, trauma issues esp during the night, attachment, significant behaviour and emotional issues inclu loads of child to parent violence. He is struggling big time at Mainstream school and now has an EHCP and a 1:1 glued by his side every second of the day- apart from going to the loo !

I returned to work having massively reduced my hours but it's completely unworkable. Things are much better than a year ago but I simply can not cope with work.

I am on long term sick from work and I am almost certain it will end in my handing my Notice in. Luckily I work for the Civil Service so they will pay me full pay for 6 months whilst I do everything to try to go back.

Yes absolutely apply for DLA and see if you can get Adoption Allowance. I had a huge battle for DLA but got it in the end. There are so many extra costs involved in parenting an incredibly high needs child esp to help their development. And you may find that like me your child will not cope with anyone else outside Nursery/school looking after her so after school /holiday club even grandparents care may well not happen.

Adoption Allowence is Means Tested and is generally only a small amount. But you can fight to get a really good weekly payment. I am currently fighting hard to get mine increased- I choose my battles!

I dont know what could be gained by speaking out about the FC's... it depends what evidence you have of them actually outright lying. In my case they were struck off after I presented the SW's with pages upon pages of disclosures my son had made. Unfortunately there wasn't any actual evidence or witnesses for the Police to build a criminal case. Obviously all Contact with them stopped.

I spent a year screaming for help from the SW's but they weren't interested, even when the Placement almost Disrupted. I even delayed applying for the AO for many months. I learnt very quickly not to shout too loudly as SW's and their Management, the IRO all stuck together and gave absolutely no help except applying for the ASF for Assessments/Therapy. I needed them to support my application for the AO when I made it.

I love my son to the ends of the earth but life is incredibly challenging and very very very different to what I had envisioned. I never dreamed that I'd have to give up work or be so so socially isolated as my son can not cope with so many every day situations.

I am a fighter, I am a Survivor and from your posts it seems that you will have the ability to get through things and fight for everything you and your family need.

As an Adopter it is so important to look after yourself in order to look after your child. I found I have had to pick my battles very wisely especially as a Single Adopter.

Xx

Thanks so much everyone. Your responses have given me lots more perspective. Sorry to drip feed but yes we have the adoption order and she is fully adopted. I have actually changed my view and feel I am unfairly blaming the foster carers. They were both early 60’s and in poor health. They had 4 grown up children of their own and had already fostered 30 children previously. They loved her and wanted to adopt her but her sw said no due to their age and health issues ( they were already struggling to carry her). They were upset by this and also upset by the fact that 3 couples had rejected her already. They may have felt they were defending her but saying she could speak and point and was progressing etc.

What posting here has made me realise is that it’s not the foster carers. They were very emotional and said what they said for whatever reasons. The health visitor and consultant were the ones doing routine examinations. If these were remote then that should have been taken into account and adapted for so that they could still properly assess the child for example baby not moving much, simple blood test and hip x ray would have thrown up the need for further investigation and a proper look at her face would have been apparent the skull and facial features suggestive of possible FAS and /or genetic syndrome requiring genetic testing. There is no reason all of this should not have been done or atleast in progress by the time we got to intros.

There are babies on linkmaker who have already had full genetic testing by the time they are one due to delays and facial features.

I feel it is the health professionals who have neglected her care. The SW involved could argue that they were reliant on the reports from the consultant and HV.

I am going to look into a complaint based on medical care or lack of. Luckily my husband is a high earner and we live in a bungalow with level access. If I had to go back to work and we lived in a house without a downstairs bathroom and bedrooms then I really don’t know what situation we would be facing.

Another perspective is the foster cares could have been telling the truth. I work with preschool children with significant delays and have worked with many children, whose parents have told me their child had some words were pointing and engaging socially and some have even shown me video showing this. Then around 14-18 month this stops and they withdraw into themselves and lose words and skills. A small proportion are found to have a genetic condition the other have eventually received an autism diagnosis.

This is all on the medical team not the foster carers. Last adoption I was involved with the DC had several assessments around FASD including in person (even during covid) to ensure that all perspectives were explored and the adopters given as much Information as possible. You can't expect foster carers to assess for potential developmental issues.