Single adopter in a world of couples with children

[nococoni]

Hi everyone,
I've named changed for this.
I'm in stage 2 adoption assessment, single adopter, no family living close to me.
I have a support network, but I would say I've always been very independent and I struggle to be interested in people that I don't feel a connection too.
I am also a WOC, exotic looking, and I live in a MC & conservative area, I feel that I face extra barriers to mingling because of this. I don't want to move to another area and start from scratch - that's not on the cards at this point.

I have a concern that I might struggle at the school gates, and that my adoptee will be impacted by this.
I realise my support network will evolve and change (as every new parent will experience) but I would love to know if there are any ways a lone parent can make new parent friends when most parents around me seem to be in a couple?
Are there any networks I can join where being a solo parent is the norm?

I would hate this to be yet another reason an adopted child would feel very different from their peers - I know that single adopters can do a great job, and I hope too, but I would also like to feel we belong somewhere.

I don't know if it helps, I'm in a couple and most of the mum friends I've made since adopting are single. For me the issue was meeting mums of a similar age to talk to once our LO was placed when she was a year old. Lots of the groups I went to were full of childminders and grandparents because the parents had gone back to work. The parents that were there were either on flexi time or self employed so meeting up outside the group was not something they could do easily. Also it can be hard to talk to people who are bonding through sharing birth feeding experiences.

By the time your DC gets to school, a number of the children will be from divorced parents anyway, and certainly by the end of primary.

I would think hard about the school you choose and maybe go for a school with children with more mixed backgrounds (e.g. you can see number with pupil premium on website).

You need support. Emotional and practical. Because it's going to be hard. It's not a tick box/nice to have. It will literally keep you sane.
That said couples with birth children will be behind you in the pecking order.
White middle class area? They'll be falling over themselves to befriend you. Though you probably don't need that kind anyway.
School gates are what you make them tbh. You find your kind.

@PicaK

What do you mean...."That said couples with birth children will be behind you in the pecking order."

Thanks

I’m a single adopter. My son is in now 17, I have dozens more friends since he came home, primarily other single adopters or parents of children with ASD or other additional needs. But my closest friends are the ones I had before, who are all married.

I never made a single friend at the school gates. Partly because he was initially at special school and went on school transport so I never even got as far as the school gate.
To be honest the school gate is such a random place - it won’t just be mums, it will be dads, childminders, grandparents etc. Working parents will be flying in and out so don’t have time to chat anyway. Families today come in all shapes and sizes, so you are unlikely to be the only single parent.
You are most likley to make friends by getting involved in the PTA or helping to run whatever groups your child goes to.
My other friends seemed to be more friendly with the parents of the children their kids hung out with, rather than random ones at the school gate.
But you do have to make an effort though, you’ll find yourself doing all sorte of things you arent necessarily interested in when you have kids, and you have to fake interest for them. softplay isn’t exactly my idea of a great way to spend a Saturday morning but he loved it so I had to be similarly enthusiastic. One of my work colleagues son is an avid football player - not sure she enjoys freezing on the touchline every week, but there is a social scene with the other footy mums.
You won’t make friends unless you show an interest and make the effort.
Do think very carefully about the schools you use. I’m white, my son is mixed race. We live in a diverse city in a fairly middle class area. I had three primaries to choose from, 2 were very white, the third was very diverse, not as academic as the other two but full of black and Aisian kids and a lot of eastern Europeans. It was a bit further to walk but worth it so my son could go to school with other kids who looked like him. I took the same approach with secondary school.
Single parenting is hard, but you will muddle through like everyone else. Don’t over think things, stuff has a way of working out, with a bit of effort.

I’m an adopter, part of a couple, and mixed race. My OH works away a lot so I’m often on my own. I don’t care if people are married or single as I have (and want) my own friends and I certainly don’t need my other half to socialise with.
I echo a PP that a support network is essential and you really have to make an effort with other parents. Just recently I’ve helped other parents out when they were ill and they’ve done the same for me. I’ve taken kids in my LO’s class to parties to help other people out, done loads of play dates etc because I know that it takes a village…. Knowing other parents helps me, but it also helps my DC in the long run as there are other people to help them, support them, look out for them.
I’m not a particularly sociable person and I really have to force myself to ‘get out there’ but I do it because I know it’s important and I can already feel the benefits.

There are adoption UK groups for single adopters- suggest you join those as well as the suggestions from others.

If it helps at all, I'm not a single adopter but I'm on adoption leave for our 2 at the moment and our girl has been going to school now for 6 weeks and I've not made any mum friends at school yet.

I think if you do have a school age there are some additional issues with breaking into the school crowd.
Its likely that mums will already know each other from nursery or toddler groups, possiblty ante natal classes.
Having said that, its not necessarily a problem not to have friends in the school mum crowd.
I don’t have a single friend from my son’s schools. He was invited to the parties, had play dates etc, the mums and dads were fine, friendly enough, as was I, but I had no great wish to socialise with them outside of the kids activities as the only thing we had in common was the kids school.
I did make some good contacts with families at a couple of social groups that my son went too, even went on some group weekends away and had a great time - with the kids. But those friendships have faded as the kids grew up and moved on. I still bump into the parents in the local shops and community events, its nice to catch up, but I don’t feel any real loss as my proper friendships are elsewhere

Because if you've got birth kids then there's something in your life that also needs time and attention. If you have no kids you're free to lavish all your time and attention on an adopted child.
You are in a pool of available adopters. The child's social worker is going to pick the best option for their child. Most of them are going to be looking for the max attention time available.
It might be that there is a factor whereby having siblings present is an important consideration - but these are likely to be few and far between.

@PicaK

Because if you've got birth kids then there's something in your life that also needs time and attention. If you have no kids you're free to lavish all your time and attention on an adopted child. You are in a pool of available adopters. The child's social worker is going to pick the best option for their child. Most of them are going to be looking for the max attention time available. It might be that there is a factor whereby having siblings present is an important consideration - but these are likely to be few and far between.

@PicaK

Well I will have to go back to work eventually but yes, no partner and no other children I will be able to give an AC all of my attention rather than it being spread.

I've thought that was a negative to be honest, maybe too much pressure on the relationship just bring the 2 of us, particularly as I don't have family near by and therefore don't have those influences/support. I doubt I will be able to date again because of that too, so very likely to be single for the rest of my days - that's fine, I've been single a lot in my life and it's been great.

But thank you! I've always felt very much like an 'also ran' in this process so far because I am single and I can't offer a traditional home. I know SW talk an enlightened game - but we all know that they are people, and people often do have prejudices.

I recall on our adoption prep course, all the couples had blue folders and me and the other single adopter had black folders, which made us (I expect it was so they knew which files needed two copies of stuff rather than one, in hindsight).

With luck you'll meet other single adopters on your prep course. If you don't, you can ask your SW if they can buddy you up with an experienced single adopter (our area does this and it was SO helpful).

You might make friends at the school gate, you might not. If you're lucky, you'll like one of the mum's you might meet on a play date enough that you strike up a friendship. It doesn't really matter whether or not they're coupled up though, I've not found it makes any difference to how friendly or otherwise people are. Force yourself along to a few school events and make yourself say hi to people - I met a great friend that way, and she in turn introduced me to others.

Around 10% of adopters are single, add that to single birth parents and you have a significant number of single parents.

I adopted my son as a single adopter, I’m not someone who is really into school gate friendships, but you’ll probably find a lot of children are collected by childminders, grandparents etc rather than parents.

I’m part of a local adoption group, but to be honest I don’t really have any specific parent friends, my friendship group has largely remained the same, one of those friends has also become a parent.

You’re area is likely to have adoption groups to seek support etc, go to meets, some organise specific activities for the school holidays as some adopted children need that specialist provision in the holidays, rather than a standard holiday club.

@Simonjt at my local primary school there are no adopted child, let alone adopted children by a lone adopter. 10% of a very small number is a very very small number indeed.
I think there may be a few genuine lone parents at the school, but most parents that have separated seem to co-parent and their children still get the benefit from both parents been present in their lives.

I can see how it might feel isolating in those circumstances.

@mysweetlemonpie

You really have no idea if there are any children at your local primary school are adopted. My son attended 4 schools, including a tiny special school with 70 children. I had no idea how many of the other children in any of those schools were adopted. Its private information, not all adopterd choose to share.

Its also not really that hard to find other adopters, single or otherwise, there are many support groups out there. I’m part of a group of 22 single adopters.
Like any friendships, it takes a bit of effort.

@Ted27

I do know how many children are adopted in this particular school.

It's part of my job to know.

Parents aren't privy to know of course, as it's confidential information.

LAs publish the breakdown of allocated school places each year. This will show how many LAC/post-LAC children there are in each school intake. It won’t, however, differentiate between the two. There isn’t a single primary school in my LA this year that doesn’t have at least one child in this category, most have 2-3.